Sunday, November 30, 2008
Riverside, California
Jack and Rose sat quietly in the car as they drove back to their apartment, Lizzy strapped into her new car seat in the back. The little girl was unusually quiet, as upset by the loss of her brother as her parents were.
As they stopped at a red light, Rose glanced back, seeing the line of cars following them back to their apartment. They were holding a small gathering in memory of Paul.
Looking back at the street ahead, Rose finally spoke. "My mother didn’t come to the funeral."
"Did she know about it?"
"I left messages on her answering machine, both at home and at work, telling her that Paul had died and that his funeral would be this afternoon at three o’clock. I tried to call her cell phone, but she changed the number, so I couldn’t reach her that way. I know she got the messages, since she always checks her answering machine, but she still didn’t come." She paused, shaking her head sadly. "I guess I should have expected it. She didn’t want me having more children after Lizzy, because it would affect my career."
"Maybe she couldn’t get up here."
"She was probably working," Rose conceded. "She’s always working. That was her excuse for not coming to our wedding, and if I asked her, she would probably make that excuse for not coming to Paul’s funeral. I don’t know. Maybe she’s glad he died."
Jack gave her a shocked look. "Why do you say that?"
Rose remembered her mother’s cruel words after Lizzy had been born. "She once told me that it was a pity I hadn’t succeeded at committing suicide. If she cares so little for me, why would she care about a grandson she’s hardly met?"
"I don’t know." Jack shrugged helplessly, glancing at Rose, who was staring out the windshield at the street. He pulled into their apartment building’s underground parking lot and brought the car to a stop.
"I guess I shouldn’t complain—we would just have fought anyway, and said unkind things to each other. Maybe it’s better that she didn’t come."
Her eyes sad, Rose got out of the car and went to the back seat, unbuckling Lizzy and helping her out. Holding her daughter’s hand, she went to Jack, who was waiting for them.
Jack put his arm around her as they started up the stairs to their apartment, holding her close and trying to comfort her. Lizzy just clutched her mother’s hand, her eyes wide and sad.
*****
The Dawsons and their guests milled around the small apartment, not sure of what to do or say. Jack and Rose had wanted to get together with their friends again soon, but they hadn’t thought that the next occasion would be a funeral.
The usually comfortable camaraderie was stifled, with no one knowing quite what to say to the parents who had lost a child. For the most part, they sat around the living room drinking coffee, or wandered from room to room, wanting to say something but not sure if it was right.
Everyone had brought food to the bereaved family, suspecting that they wouldn’t be in the mood to cook or do much of anything for a while. Rose had thanked them quietly, putting some things out on the table for people to eat and other things in the refrigerator or the freezer.
As everyone sat around in the living room, sometimes talking quietly before an uncomfortable subject came up, Lizzy crawled into her father’s lap. Her face and hands were sticky from the ice cream sandwich he had let her have, but he didn’t object as she curled up in his arms and rested her head against his chest.
"Daddy?" she whispered.
"Hmm?"
"How come Daniel’s not here with Aunt Helga and Uncle Bill?"
"They thought he was too young for this, so they left him and his sister with a baby-sitter."
"But he’s older than me. His birthday comes first."
"I know, but it’s what your Aunt Helga decided."
"I wish he was here. We could go play."
"That would be fun, wouldn’t it?"
"Yeah. Daddy, when’s everybody gonna leave?"
"Later, sweetie. We don’t get to see them very much, so they’ll be here for a while."
"I wish they’d go home."
"Lizzy, that’s not nice. They’re our friends."
"I know." Lizzy hung her head. "Do I have to stay out here, Daddy? Can I go to my room and play?"
"If you want. Let’s get you cleaned up first, though."
Jack wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he shared Lizzy’s feelings—he wished that their guests would leave. They were his friends, and he liked them all very much, but at the moment he just wanted to be alone with Rose and Lizzy, where he could relax and not put on a dignified front for the others.
"Daddy? Can you come play Candyland with me?"
"Sure, Lizzy. I can do that." It would give him a chance to be away from everyone for a while.
Jack told Rose where he was going and went into the bathroom with the little girl to wash the ice cream off her face and hands. He had never felt so relieved when everyone was out of sight.
*****
Rose was glad for the company. Even though everyone was sad and uncomfortable, she was glad to have them there. Their presence gave her something to think about besides her grief and her disappointment that her mother hadn’t come to the funeral.
She glanced toward the short hallway that Jack and Lizzy had disappeared down. She sensed that Jack wanted to be alone, but was reluctant to encourage their guests to leave, though they would have understood. No one was upset or offended, though, that Jack had gone to take care of Lizzy. The little girl needed comfort, too, and no one expected her to sit quietly with the adults.
Still, she wished he had stayed with her. His presence helped her more than anything. He was mourning the loss of Paul, too, and the loss of their unborn baby, but he was always there for her when she needed him—just as she was there for him.
It was dark outside now. Rose stood quietly and went to a window, looking outside. Cars, their headlights bright in the darkness, passed on the street. It was an ordinary Sunday for everyone else.
Finally, Kathleen stood up and went to stand beside her granddaughter. "Rose, I need to be heading for home. It’s a long drive back to Palm Desert."
"You don’t have to go, Nana. You can stay here the night if you want."
"You really don’t have room here, and I’ll admit that sleeping on the couch isn’t all that easy with these old bones. Besides, I think your husband would like some privacy, which he won’t have if I stay the night."
"Nana…"
"I’ll call you when I get home, Rose. Okay?"
"Okay." Rose nodded reluctantly, hugging her grandmother. "Take care, Nana. It’s dark and there’s a lot of traffic from the holiday weekend."
"I will be, darling. You take care of yourself and your family. I know it’s hard, but you need each other now more than ever."
Rose nodded, glancing down the hall, where a square of light from Lizzy’s room was visible. "I’ll walk you to your car."
When Rose returned, she found Bill and Helga getting ready to leave as well.
"We’re going to get going, too, Rose," Helga told her. "It isn’t such a long drive from Riverside to LA, but we need to get back to the kids."
"All right. Tell Daniel that Lizzy missed him."
"I’m sorry I didn’t bring him, Rose, but I just don’t think he would have understood. He didn’t know Paul that well, and since Paul was so close in age to Lena, I was afraid it might upset him."
"I know. You’re probably right. We brought Lizzy because Paul was her baby brother."
"Yeah. Poor little boy. He never had much of a chance to enjoy life. Does Lizzy know that you lost your other baby, too?"
"We haven’t told her, but we will if she asks. She understands about Paul, but I don’t if she could understand about miscarriage. She knows where babies come from, but only the basics. She’s still so young."
Helga hugged her. "Take care of Jack and Lizzy, Rose. They need you."
"I will. You drive safely, okay? Watch out for drunk drivers. I would hate to see your children orphaned."
"We will, Rose. We’ve suddenly found ourselves being much more cautious on the road than before. What happened to your family brought home the dangers to us."
"That’s good, at least." Rose walked them to the door, thanking them again for the food they had brought, and watched them leave, hoping that the next time she saw them, things would be happier.
Tommy and Sophie stayed for about an hour longer, during which time Jack gave Lizzy her dinner and got her settled down in front of the television with a movie. He talked with them for a while, but finally they, too, left and headed for home.
Mari was the last one to leave. She had babysat for Paul and Lizzy many times, and loved both children as though they really were her niece and nephew. She had wept for the lost child along with his parents, and had been trying to help them since, offering moral support, taking care of Lizzy so that Jack and Rose could have some time alone, and making sure that the family ate properly, since neither adult was in the mood to do much, and their injuries made things difficult anyway.
"I’m going to go home now," she told Jack and Rose, who were sitting at the table, picking at their food. "Are you going to be okay?"
"We’ll be fine, Mari," Jack replied wearily. Mari meant well, but at the moment he wanted to be alone with his family.
"If you need anything, just call." She hugged Rose, looking at her barely touched dinner. "Eat."
"I am."
Mari gave her a disbelieving look, but didn’t argue with her. Rose would take care of herself sooner or later, with or without Mari’s nagging. She patted Jack’s shoulder.
"Take care, you two. I’m going to say good-bye to Lizzy, and then go home."
Jack and Rose just nodded. When Mari left a few minutes later, Jack pushed his plate away and pulled his chair closer to Rose’s, gathering her in his arms.
"I’m glad that’s over. I like them all, but I think we need some time alone."
Rose put her head on his shoulder, hugging him back with her good arm. "I guess. It is getting late." Her eyes drooped shut as she leaned against him. "I’m so tired…"
"Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll clean up here and get Lizzy to bed. You go rest."
"Thanks, Jack." Rose stood up, glancing at her plate. "Why don’t you put our plates in the refrigerator? We can eat that tomorrow. I’m too tired now."
"Sure." Jack got up, putting his arm around her waist. "I love you, Rose. Sleep well."
"I love you, too, Jack. It’s hard to believe that things will ever get any better, but I guess they will someday."
"I hope so, Rose." He gave her a gentle kiss. "Good night."
"Good night, Jack. Don’t be too long. You look awfully tired yourself."
"I’ll be okay. I suppose we all will, eventually."