June 5, 2009
"Mommy, I don’t wanna leave!" Lizzy wailed, clinging to Mari as Rose carried the last of their belongings to the hybrid.
"I know, Lizzy, but we’ve been over this before. You’re coming with us, and Aunt Mari is staying here."
"It’s not fair!"
"Life’s not fair." Rose was getting fed up with Lizzy’s whining.
"But, Mommy…"
"Lizzy, that’s enough!" Rose’s voice was impatient.
Mari picked Lizzy up, giving her a hug. "It won’t be so bad, Busy-Lizzy. You’re going on an adventure. You get to see a brand new place, and camp out half the summer, and then you get to go to kindergarten, and make new friends…"
"No!" wailed Lizzy. "I wanna stay here…"
"You’ll like Wisconsin, Lizzy. It snows there in the winter. You like snow, don’t you?"
"No." Lizzy crossed her arms over her chest. She did like snow—her parents had taken her up to the mountains in the winter to play in it—but she didn’t want to admit that there might be anything good about this move.
"I’ll tell you something, Lizzy. I already talked to your mom and dad, and they say it’s okay if I come and visit around Christmas. I’ll have some vacation time, and we can have some fun then."
"I want you to come now." Christmas seemed a long way off in June.
"I can’t, Lizzy. I have to go to work." Mari turned the child’s face to look at her. "I’ll tell you what, Lizzy. As soon as there’s a place I can send it to, I’ll send you a book on the plants up in Wisconsin. Your mom and dad can read it to you until you learn how to read, and then you can send me an e-mail telling me what you learned. You’ll be able to see things that I can’t, and tell me about them."
"You can look at ‘em at Christmas."
"No, Lizzy. There’ll be too much snow then. Christmas is in the winter, remember?"
"I don’t wanna go!"
"I know, Lizzy, but you have to. You’ll have fun. Really you will. And I won’t forget to send you that book. I’ll try to find one full of pictures…"
"Lizzy, sweetie, it’s time to go." Rose came over to them, taking the little girl from Mari.
Lizzy immediately let loose with a wail that had people turning and staring at them. "No! Don’t wanna go!" she screeched, kicking angrily. "No wanna! No wanna! No wanna!"
"Stop it, Lizzy. You’re too big to act like this." Rose set her down. "Are you going to act like a big girl or a baby?"
Lizzy’s face screwed up into a pout. "Mommy…"
"Come on, Lizzy." Jack walked over, crouching down and looking seriously at her. "We have a long trip, and you can’t cry all the way there."
"Can so," Lizzy mumbled, looking at the ground.
Mari smiled, crouching down and looking Lizzy in the eye. "Lizzy, you’re going to have to tell me if you see a jackalope."
"What’s a jackalope?" Lizzy was intrigued in spite of herself.
"It’s a rabbit with antlers like a deer. I’ve never seen one, but they’re supposed to exist all over the west. I want you to keep an eye out and tell me if you see one on the way, or when you get to Wisconsin."
"Okay." Lizzy didn’t know what else to say. "Can we go look for them at Christmas?"
"Sure, if your mom and dad say it’s okay." Mari hugged the child. "Now, you’d better let your mom get you in the car and buckle you in. The sooner you get going, the sooner you can look for jackalopes."
"I gotta go potty."
"Let’s hurry and take you then, Lizzy. You have a long way to go."
*****
In spite of Lizzy’s stalling, the Dawsons were on the road a few minutes later, Jack driving the old sedan and Rose driving the hybrid. Lizzy sat in her car seat in the hybrid, sobbing miserably.
"Mommy, no!" she wailed. Rose just sighed and kept on driving, turning onto the freeway to go north.
When her wails got no response, Lizzy quieted, staring sullenly out the window as her mother drove through the outskirts of Perris and toward Riverside. "Mommy?" she finally asked quietly.
"Yes, Lizzy?"
"When are we gonna be there?"
"In three or four days, Busy-Lizzy."
"Are we gonna drive all the time?"
"No. We’ll stop and eat, and go camping at night."
"Do you think we’ll see a jackalope?"
"Maybe, sweetie." Rose hoped that the child would let go of that idea soon. She didn’t want her setting herself up for disappointment. Jackalopes didn’t really exist.
"Do you think we’ll see one here?"
"Oh…I don’t think so, Lizzy. We’re in Riverside, and I’ve never seen one here."
"Oh. But what if there is one?"
"Then we’ll call Aunt Mari and tell her about it. Okay?"
"Okay."
A few minutes later, Rose pulled into the Riverside National Cemetery, coming to a stop as Jack pulled up beside her.
"Where are we, Mommy?" Lizzy wanted to know.
"We’re in Riverside, Lizzy. We’re going to visit your brother’s grave one more time before we go."
"Why can’t we take it with us?"
"Because it’s in the ground here, Lizzy. It can’t be moved, and see the grass growing there? It wouldn’t have him for food anymore."
"Oh." Lizzy had gone with her parents a couple of times when they had gone to visit the grave and place toys and flowers on it. "Mommy, who’s gonna visit if we’re not here?"
"Aunt Mari will, Lizzy. She loved Baby Paul, too."
Lizzy nodded. "Okay. She couldn’t do that if she came with us, could she?"
"No, Lizzy, she couldn’t. See why it’s good that she’s going to be here?"
"I guess." Lizzy still wished that Mari was coming with them.
Jack came up to them and took Rose’s hand, walking with them to the tiny grave. There was a small, plain marker there, giving Paul’s name and the dates of his birth and death, as well as the words Beloved Son and Brother. They stood there for a moment, looking down at it, before Jack leaned down and put a handful of flowers at the base of the marker.
Rose leaned against him, growing teary-eyed. She missed her infant son, who would have been almost a year old if he had lived. Had he really been gone for more than six months?
"Jack, how can we leave him? He’s just a baby."
Jack just pulled her close, at a loss for words. He was growing choked-up himself.
Lizzy pulled a tattered-looking Barbie doll dress from her pocket and put it next to the flowers. "I love you, Baby Paul. Aunt Mari’s gonna visit you and bring you toys and flowers."
Jack and Rose sank down next to Lizzy, hugging the little girl between them. Jack finally spoke.
"We love you, Baby Paul. Nothing would make us happier than to have you with us now, but you can be sure that we’ll be back to visit again someday." He quickly wiped a tear from his cheek. "I love you, my son."
Rose nodded, sniffing and wrapping her arms around both her husband and her daughter. "I love you, too, Paul," she whispered. "I miss you so much…my arms feel empty without my baby boy to hold. We’ll never forget you. I promise."
Lizzy stared at her parents, both of whom were crying quietly. Growing teary-eyed herself at the sight, she tried to hug both of them, whispering, "You’ve still got me."
"Yes, we do, Busy-Lizzy," Rose responded, hugging her back.
"And we love you so much," Jack added, pulling both of them into his embrace.
They sat that way for a few minutes, all three of them crying quietly. Finally, Rose lifted her head, looking at her husband sadly. "We can’t leave him, Jack."
"Rose…" Jack pulled her closer, holding her tight. Lizzy struggled to get out from between them.
Letting her go, Jack tilted Rose’s chin up until she was looking at him. "He…he’ll be all right, Rose. I know he will. We’ll be no farther from him in Wisconsin than we are here. We’ll have to leave his grave behind…" He stopped as Rose reached up and wiped the tears from his cheeks. "Rose…I can’t leave him either."
"But we have to," she murmured. "He’s all right, Jack. He’s not really here anymore…he’s with my father, and your parents, and David…he doesn’t lack for love and care. I…I…maybe it is too soon to leave."
"But we have to go, Rose. We don’t have any choice. How many people really want their loved ones to stay and mourn them forever? I don’t think Paul would have wanted us to…even if he was just a baby."
"I know, but…my poor baby. He was so little…he’d be almost a year old now if he’d lived. Almost a year ago, you helped me give birth to him in the front seat of that old car…and he’s gone now. We’ll never hold him again, watch him grow…it’s like he never existed at all."
"No, Rose. He did exist. He was our baby, and we were…blessed to have him during his short life. And we’ll never forget him. We have pictures of him, and the little souvenirs of his life that we saved…he’ll be with us as long as we live."
"I’ll never forget…"
"I won’t, either. None of us will." He looked at Lizzy, who was sitting in the grass a few feet away, watching them sadly. "But our lives are going on. We’ll always remember him…but we have to keep going. Oh, Rose…"
He held her tight, his shoulders shaking. Rose clung to him, rocking back and forth slightly. "I know, love. I know," she whispered. "I miss him, too, so much."
"He was our child, our son. How can any parent stand to lose a child?"
"I don’t know. Day by day, I suppose—just like us. Wherever we go, he’ll be with us. He’ll always be in our hearts—no matter what happens or where we go."
Jack just nodded, looking out over the quiet, sunlit cemetery, the warm, peaceful spot that was their son’s final resting place. After a few minutes, he got up, helping Rose to her feet and putting a hand out to Lizzy.
Rose looked back once as they returned to their cars, memorizing the sight of the tiny grave in the morning sunlight. She hugged Jack before they parted, kissing him briefly and whispering, "We’ll be okay. I know we will."
Jack squeezed her hand. "We will, Rose. I know it, too."
"Let’s go home, Jack. Home to Wisconsin. It’s time to start a new life."