Saturday, October 2, 2004
"Hello?" Helga answered the phone sleepily, wondering why anyone would be calling at five o’clock in the morning.
"Helga? It’s Jack."
"Jack, do you know what time it is?"
"No..." Jack looked at his watch. "Oh. I guess it is still early. Sorry."
"I’ll agree. But that’s beside the point. How’s Rose? Did she have the baby yet?"
"About half an hour ago."
Jack heard someone speaking in the background. Tommy picked up the phone extension.
"Jack? How’s everything going?"
"It’s great!" Jack’s face lit up. "Rose gave birth to a beautiful little girl at 4:30. She’s got a little bit of blonde hair on her head, and blue eyes, and tiny hands...I’ve never seen anything so wonderful! Rose and I are so proud of her...and she’s ours. There’s never been a more beautiful baby born—"
"Listen to him," Helga told Tommy, laughter in her voice. "You’d think he was the only man to ever accomplish such a thing—and Rose did most of the work."
"Rose and I are the only ones to ever accomplish baby Lizzy."
"Lizzy? Is that her name?"
"Actually, it’s Elizabeth Ruth Dawson, but we’re going to call her Lizzy for short. She’s so tiny..."
"How much does she weigh?" Helga wanted to know.
"She weighs seven pounds, six ounces, and she’s twenty inches long. Her face is combination of Rose and my features, with a little of Rose’s mother thrown in. She has perfect little hands and feet, and tiny fingers and toes, and—"
"Jack! Save something for a surprise. We’re going to be by later to see her and visit Rose."
"Okay. Okay. I’ll shut up now. I think I’m tired. I’ve been up all night."
"I’m sure Rose is even more tired."
"Rose was sleeping when I left the room. She’s doing fine. The birth took a few hours, but—"
"It often does," Helga told him, smiling. She clearly remembered the birth of her own child.
"Well, I think I’ll hang up now and come home to rest. Later, we can all go over together to visit Rose and Lizzy. Wait until you see her—"
"Jack, hang up and come home now. You’re starting to repeat yourself."
"I’m on my way. Good morning. Uh...good night. Ah...I mean...hmm...good-bye."
Tommy and Helga were laughing when they hung up.
*****
Rose held out her arms as the nurse walked into her room, carrying Lizzy. She cuddled the newborn, really getting a chance to examine her for the first time.
She had slept for several hours following the birth, then had awakened long enough to eat breakfast and nurse the baby. One of the maternity nurses had tried to show her how to hold the baby in order to nurse her, and had been very surprised to discover that Rose already knew. She had observed Helga nursing Daniel enough times to have a fair idea of what she was doing, and instinct had shown her the rest.
After the nurse had taken the baby back to the nursery, Rose had left a message on her mother’s answering machine, both at home and at work, where Ruth was likely to be, even on a Saturday. After resting for a while longer, she had requested that the baby be brought back to her.
Now, Rose cradled the dozing newborn in her arms, examining the tiny features. The face was plump and babyish, but she thought she could see both her own and Jack’s features. The tiny nose and stubborn chin were unmistakably inherited from her grandmother, Ruth.
Wincing, she pulled her knees up and propped the baby against her legs, unwrapping the blanket and examining the tiny hands and feet. Carefully, she counted each finger and toe, satisfying herself that all was right, and then lifted the newborn back into her arms, rocking her gently.
Lizzy awakened and whimpered softly, soon quieting as Rose opened her hospital gown and began to nurse her. Her little blue eyes opened, staring in unfocused fascination at her mother, while a tiny fist clutched one of the ties to Rose’s hospital gown.
Rose stared at her baby, an adoring look on her face. So, this is what motherhood is all about, she thought, stroking a tiny cheek. These are the little creatures that mothers fight to the death to protect. I understand why. She’s so darling, and she’s mine.
She looked up as someone came into the room. "Mom!" she exclaimed, sitting up straighter and pulling her blanket up to cover the nursing baby, curiously uncomfortable with letting her mother see her feeding her infant.
"Rose." Ruth came closer. "So, I take it this is my granddaughter?"
Rose pulled the now-contented baby away from her breast and put her to her shoulder, patting her back gently. "Yes, this is her. Elizabeth Ruth Dawson. Lizzy for short."
"Ruth? Her middle name is Ruth?" Ruth looked flattered.
"Yeah. Jack and I decided to name her after our mothers. Jack’s mother’s name was Elizabeth, but it was okay to give the baby her name for a first name, because no one will confuse which Elizabeth is being talked about. Jack’s mother died eight years ago."
"She’s beautiful," Ruth told her daughter, touching a tiny fist. "She looks like you."
"And like Jack. She looks like both of us. But look at her nose and chin. She got those from you." She hesitated. "Would you like to hold her?"
"Of course." Ruth pulled up a chair and sat beside her daughter’s bed, carefully taking her granddaughter into her arms. "She’s adorable, Rose."
Rose’s face lit up. "She is, isn’t she? Mom, I wanted to thank you for the bassinet. We’ve got it set up in our room. She’ll sleep in our room for a few months, until she learns to sleep through the night. We don’t want her crying and waking up the entire household."
"You’re still living like that?"
Rose shrugged. "It’s a good arrangement, though there’s now two babies in the house."
"Two?"
"My roommate, Helga, has an eight-month-old son."
"Does his father live in the house also?"
Rose shook her head. "No, Helga’s husband died in the earthquake last year. Lizzy is lucky—she has two parents to love her."
"You’d trust your ex-con husband with a child?"
Rose stared at her mother. "Of course. He’s wonderful with children. They adore him."
"I’d be worried he’d abandon her or neglect her."
"Not Jack, Mom. He loves her as much as I do."
"Well, that’s good, because it’ll make things easier."
"I know. It’s easier to raise a baby with two parents. Of course, the way things are, she’ll have four parents and a brother. We’ve all been helping with Daniel."
Ruth looked a little surprised. "Well, you’ll find things easier that way, I’m sure. Of course, if you’re smart, you’ll let her get used to other people as quickly as possible."
"There’s plenty of time. We’ll just take things as they come. She’ll meet everyone else later today, I think. Except for Daniel. I don’t know if they’ll let him up here. He might pass something contagious on to the newborns."
"What I meant is, you’ll want to get her used to daycare as soon as possible. You’ll need someplace to leave her while you pursue your career."
"I’m staying home with her for a few months, and taking care of Daniel at the same time. That’s my ‘career’ at the moment. I’m going back to college next semester, and Daniel’s usual baby-sitter will watch both of them."
"You took time off from college?" Ruth was appalled. "Rose, you don’t have forever, and you’re already setting yourself back by going to a community college instead of a university."
"I want to spend some time with her, and I’m lucky enough to have that option. Jack has a good job and can support all three of us."
"Rose...don’t you care at all about how this will disrupt your life?"
Rose’s smile faded. "I’m happy to have this ‘disruption’, as you call it."
"Rose, I’m just concerned that you might be throwing your life away."
"Mom, believe it or not, there is more to life than money and a prestigious career. I have a family, too."
"Children grow up, Rose. When your daughter is grown, what will you have?"
"As much as I had before. Besides, Jack and I plan on having one more."
"I can’t believe you’re being so foolish, Rose. You’re throwing away your life—"
"I am not! I’m doing exactly what I want to do!"
"That’s a problem you’ve always had. Impulsiveness. You don’t think before you act."
"I’ve thought about this plenty. I’m happy with my decisions."
"It would be better if you stopped with only one child and learned to tell your husband no. That way, you won’t have any more of these ‘accidents’ that will add more burden to your life."
"Lizzy isn’t a burden," Rose hissed, glaring at her mother. "She’s my baby."
"You might have been better off if things had worked out with Cal. He would have had more respect for you."
Oh, Mom, if you only knew. Rose frowned at her mother. "Jack has plenty of respect for me—more than Cal ever did. We wanted this baby, once we knew she was coming and got over the shock. And we do plan to have another in the future."
"I think you’re making a big mistake." Ruth spoke tersely to her daughter. "You could have so much, if only you didn’t burden yourself with children. One mistake is acceptable, but to make the same mistake twice—"
"My baby is not a mistake!" Rose’s voice was rising. Lizzy began to wail, frightened by the loud voices and the tension. Rose took her from Ruth, cuddling her close.
"I didn’t say she was."
"Yes, you did! You think I made a terrible mistake in having this baby—just like you made a mistake in having me!" Ruth started to speak, but Rose went on, furiously. "You didn’t want me, did you? If you hadn’t had me, you could have divorced Dad and pursued your career without the burden of child-rearing!" Rose’s voice was sarcastic. "Why did you have me, anyway? If you didn’t want me, couldn’t you have had an abortion or given me up for adoption, rather than ruining your life by having a child?!"
"Rose, I never said I didn’t want you—"
"You didn’t have to. I was never good enough for you, was I? If you had to have a child, you wanted one who was a perfect little angel and would enhance your status. Instead, you got me—a normal child who misbehaved sometimes!"
"Try all the time. You never made a move that wasn’t calculated to annoy me."
"Annoy you! I spent years trying to please you! I finally realized that you couldn’t be pleased. It’s no damned wonder you sold me to Cal! You wanted at least one thing out of me that was pleasing to you. But, of course, I couldn’t even do that! I couldn’t live with an abusive man—but that doesn’t matter to you. Jack doesn’t improve your status any—so you won’t even give him a chance. Do you know I met Jack, Mom? I was trying to get out of my engagement to Cal—and my whole, messed-up life—in the quickest, most permanent way possible. I wanted to die that night—but Jack came along, and he had the compassion and the caring to convince me not to. I’m still alive, thanks to him!"
Ruth stared at her daughter. "It’s a pity you didn’t succeed that night, Rose," she said icily, before she thought about her words. She was immediately sorry, but Rose didn’t give her a chance to apologize.
A look of shock and anguish crossed Rose’s face. "Mom...I hate you. I’ve never hated anyone like I hate you—not even Cal. What kind of a mother tells her daughter that she should have succeeded at suicide? Of course, it just goes along with the view that you have that I can’t do anything right!"
"Rose—"
"Get out." Rose’s voice was as icy as her mother’s had been a moment before. "Get out of this room. I don’t want to be anywhere near you. You always wanted to be free of me...well, now you have your wish. You’re not going to see me again. I won’t bother you anymore." Her voice broke on the last words.
"Rose, if you’d just let me explain—"
"Get out!" Rose held her baby close, rocking her as she wailed with alarm at the loud voices.
Ruth looked at her daughter for a moment longer, then turned and walked away, leaving the room and Rose behind.
As soon as Ruth was gone, Rose burst into tears, curling around Lizzy and sobbing heartbrokenly. My mother hates me. She wishes I had succeeded at killing myself. I’m glad that I didn’t—glad that I didn’t give her the satisfaction. So what if I can’t please her? No one can. Even Cal would have displeased her after a while.
But it didn’t change the fact that the mother she had always longed to make happy had rejected her outright—and in such a cruel way. Mom, why? Why couldn’t you have cared, at least a little? What did I ever do to you? I couldn’t help being born. No child has a choice about that. You could have given me up—or maybe Dad wanted me. I think he did. That’s something.
A nurse came in, alerted by the sound of Lizzy’s wailing. She saw Rose curled around the infant, crying, and hurried to take the baby. Rose resisted for a moment, clinging to her child, before she allowed the nurse to take the baby from her and take her back to the nursery.
Rose rolled over and buried her head in her arms, crying. "Mom..." she whispered brokenly, curling up in misery.
*****
About half an hour later, Jack returned to the hospital to see Rose and his daughter. He walked along at a quick pace, carrying flowers in one hand and candy in the other. Tommy and Helga were downstairs, waiting to see if they would be allowed to visit.
Jack came into Rose’s room with a smile, but that smile faded when he saw Rose curled up in misery in her bed, crying quietly.
"Rose?"
Rose looked up, wiping her eyes. She tried to smile when she saw Jack, but couldn’t quite manage it.
"Rose, what’s wrong?" He knew it wasn’t a problem with the baby. He had looked through the window into the nursery on his way to Rose’s room, and Lizzy had been sleeping peacefully, a pink bow on her head and an identification bracelet to match Rose’s on her wrist.
Rose sat up slowly, her shoulders still shaking with an occasional sob. Jack sat beside her and put his arms around her.
"What’s wrong?" he asked again, stroking her long red hair as she leaned her head against his shoulder.
It was a moment before Rose could answer. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she told him, "Mom came to visit."
Oh, no, Jack thought, but allowed her to finish what she was saying.
"She said my having a baby was a mistake, and we started arguing, and then I told her about how I met you."
"And she didn’t take it well?"
Rose shook her head, her eyes filling with tears again. "She told me—told me that...that...it was a pity—that I didn’t succeed." She started sobbing again.
"Rose..." Jack held her close, rubbing her back gently as he tried to soothe her.
"How could she? How could she? I’ve never done anything to her. Not on purpose, anyway. I never meant to be a burden to her, or to be born. I couldn’t help it. I al-always wanted to please her, a-and she wishes I’d n-never been born. She wishes I’d k-killed myself rather than disrupt her p-plans. I always loved her, and she always...hated me." She took a deep breath, then went on. "I—I’m glad that I didn’t kill myself—I wouldn’t want her to have the satisfaction."
"You’ve got too much to live for, anyway," Jack whispered soothingly. "Lots of people love you and care about you. Maybe not your mother—" Rose sniffed loudly, clinging to him. "—but lots of other people do. Your father did, and your grandparents, and your cousins, and your friends—and me. I’m sorry your mother is that way—"
"It’s not your fault." Rose looked at him, her eyes red and swollen. "Mom could never be satisfied with anyone. Even Cal would have displeased her eventually...though maybe not as much as he displeased me—or as much as I displeased her. Jack, I am never going to act toward Lizzy like Mom acted toward me. No matter how annoyed I get with her, I’m always going to love her anyway. I could never hate my daughter...not like Mom hates me. I don’t understand why she feels like she does."
"Neither do I, Rose. I don’t think I could explain it. Maybe a trained psychologist could—but I’m not there yet."
"I don’t want to see her again."
"That’s your decision, but maybe someday..."
"No." Rose shook her head. "I don’t want to see her again." She and Jack seldom argued, but on this she would not bend. "I can’t deal with someone who hates me for no reason. Even Cal has a reason—I helped put him in prison. But Mom—Mom doesn’t have a reason...not one that I can think of, anyway."
"There’s usually a reason for everything—but if you don’t want to see her, I won’t push you. I don’t know everything about you two, or why you think the way you do, so I won’t interfere." He pulled her close again. "I love you, Rose. Everything’s going to turn out all right eventually."
"Maybe."
"Tommy and Helga are here—Helga left Daniel with a neighbor. Would you like to see them?"
Rose nodded, wiping the last tears from her eyes. "Sure. I need to see some friendly faces. And we can see Lizzy, too, while they’re here."
Jack handed her a tissue to wipe her face with. Rose took it, then looked at him gratefully.
"I love you, Jack. Thank you for understanding." She leaned forward, resting her forehead against his in the familiar comforting pose.