A play in English, written by Yogesh Raut.

Adapted from "R. Lee Ermey and the Major Malfunctions," from the anthology "How Can I Keep from Screaming?," based on sad but true events.

OLIVIER: (In an Alfred Hitchcock-like voice) Good Evening. (In his normal voice, a supercilious British accent) My name is Lord Laurence Olivier. (Emphasis on "Laurence" and "Olivier," as well as on "Lord.") You may remember me from such films as "Marathon Man," "The Boys from Brazil," and "The Seven Percent Solution." I sincerely doubt that you will remember me from such classics as "Wuthering Heights," "Rebecca," or "Hamlet," despite the fact that my work in them represents some of the greatest achievements in screen acting in this century.

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Are you sure? I think I may have seen some of them.

OLIVIER: They were in black-and-white.

VOICE: Oh. Never mind.

OLIVIER: In any event, after a long and varied career in which I played everyone from Vivien Leigh to Danny Kaye, I died in 1989. I still have plans for the future, however. One of them is to haunt that young upstart, Kenneth Branagh. But enough of this rambling, pointless, shamelessly self-promoting monologue. It is time for our story. (Changes tone slightly) Submitted, for your approval, the story of two teenagers, two who are a great deal like you, except that they are fictional characters in a play and serve mainly as mouthpieces for the author’s demented ramblings. Their names: Kenny and Kloren. Kloren, the girl, is a very committed young lady. She has only two goals in life: to serve humanity and to leave her mark on the world. Kenny, the boy, is not yet a committed young man, but only because the papers haven’t been signed. He has something of a reputation for being argumentative…

 KENNY: (As he and KLOREN enter) I do not! (OLIVIER shrugs, then takes a back seat to our two major characters) I am not argumentative at all! In fact, right now I would like to debate all the people who have ever said that I am argumentative. After that, I’ll debate those who say I’m hypocritical.

KLOREN: Calm down, Kenny! I’m just glad we’re out of the suburbs. (To herself) I hate suburbanites. They all view other people as stereotypes.

KENNY: Yes, but where are we? For all I know, we could have traveled all the way across the Eighth Dimension and ended up in some hick town like St. Charles.

KLOREN: Relax. It’s not that bad. See that sign up ahead? What does it say?

KENNY: "Deposit trash here"?

KLOREN: No, silly, the sign next to it. The one that says "IMSA."

OLIVIER: Once inside the building, Kenny and Kloren decided to split up and see what they can find out.

KLOREN: All right. (She starts along her merry way.) I wonder how polite these "IMSA"-people are.

GIRL #1: Hello. My name is Margaret.

GIRL #2: Hi. I’m The Incredibly Strange Creature Who Stopped Living and Became a Wenchen on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.

GIRL #3: Hey, hi, how are you? I’m The Girl Who is Not Margaret. What’s your name? Where are you from? Have you lost your virginity yet? If not, why not? If so, are you pregnant? If not, why not? If so, do you know who the father is? If not, why not? If so, who?

KLOREN: (slightly confused) Hi…

MARGARET: So, how do you like IMSA?

KLOREN: Kinda big, isn’t it?

WENCHEN: Maybe so, but it is the country’s only three-year residential state-funded academic community for gifted and talented students that has its own phallic symbol. (Changes subject) Anyway, how would you like to live forever?

KENNY: (to himself) That bench is shaped like a "U." As a result, I think I’ll go over there. (Heads over to U-Bench, where assorted characters are hanging out)

CHARACTER: Hello. My name is Dan the Man Macdaddy Stud Urman. How are you?

KENNY: Fine, thanks. Hey, didn’t I read about you in some story? Weren’t you abhorred and insane or something like that?

DAN: Possibly, but you’re probably thinking of the ur-Urman. Anyway, let me introduce you to my friends. We are the NRF’s. We are Nasty Repulsive Fellows who have No Redeeming Features and No Real Futures and are Not Real Friends. Right now, we Need Red Flags.

KENNY: As it so happens, I happen to have large quantities of red flags on me right now. (Gives them to DAN, who expresses gratitude) You know, I think I may have met one of your friends once. I remember he had a really weird and distinctive name.

DAN: You mean Little Tamer Burning Bright?

KENNY: No…

DAN: John "The Fat-Aggressor" Carrino?

KENNY: No…

DAN: Prince Nick Fibonacci of Rupprecht? Matt Shaft?

KENNY: I don’t think so…

DAN: Wangoman? Yogesh "The Body" Raut?

KENNY: No, that’s not it.

DAN: Yisong Yue? Aristomenis Pikeas?

KENNY: Nope.

DAN: Steve?

KENNY: That’s it!

KLOREN: Wow! That felt great! I should give blood more often! But there’s someone I have to go meet now, so I’ll see you all later.

HER NEW FRIENDS-FOR-LIFE: Bye! See ya! (They exit. KENNY enters.)

KLOREN: Well, how’d it go?

KENNY: Great! I made some new friends and I got to argue about whether "The Onion" is better that MAD Magazine! I’m in seventh heaven! I’m on cloud nine! I’m walking on sunshine! Whoa-oh!

KLOREN: Yeah, well, I made some new friends also. They told me that if I spend some more time with them, I’ll be able to live forever, just like the late Ross Bagdasarian!

KENNY: Yes, but we aren’t any closer to doing what we set out to do.

KLOREN: That’s right. By the time this play is over, we have to have completed our quest. Just out of curiosity, do you remember what our quest was?

KENNY: All I know is that it something to do with an eight-letter word: x-i-a-o-t-s-a-i.

KLOREN: Xiaotsai?

KENNY: Bless you. Now, who could possibly know about this mysterious "xiaotsai"?

KLOREN: The Incredibly Strange Creature Who Stopped Living and Became a Wenchen on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown told me about this strange and wonderful creature who knows all, sees all, and smells all that goes on at "IMSA." His name is "Mister DeHaven."

KENNY: Well, perhaps we should go inquire.

DEHAVEN: (Sternly, making them jump with surprise) Are you assassins?

KLOREN: No, we’re teenagers.

DEHAVEN: You are neither. You are characters created by a playwright who has seen too many movies.

KENNY: Personally, I think you’re putting on a performance, and not a particularly good one. I find your Method acting unsound!

DEHAVEN: I’m not acting … at all. Now, what do you want?

KENNY: I want justice! More specifically, I want Xiaotsai!

DEHAVEN: You came to the wrong place. I am a social scientist. I you want justice, I would advise to go to the math office and ask for Don Porzio. He will do anything you ask, provided you give him your loyalty.

KLOREN: (Glancing at a nearby table, which has both papers and food on it) Can I have one of these handouts?

DEHAVEN: Take the handout. Leave the cannoli.

DON PORZIO: (In a thick Italian accent) Yes, the word "xiaotsai" does ring a bell. But I can’t place it exactly. You know who you should ask? The Birdman of IMSA.

KLOREN: The Birdman of IMSA?

PORZIO: The Birdman of IMSA was born legally blind, but that didn’t stop him from watching "Forbidden Planet"- and panning it. His bad taste nearly made put a contract out on him. But then he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

KENNY: How will we know who this Birdman is?

PORZIO: As soon as you leave my presence, one of the math teachers in this office will try to set up a meeting on your turf. That one is your man. Now, please leave. I’m trying to eat an orange.

OLIVIER: In no time at all, KLOREN and KENNY were in conference with The Birdman of IMSA.

BIRDMAN: Now, what can I help you with?

KENNY: We’re looking for information about "xiaotsai."

BIRDMAN: Bless you. Now, what are you looking for information about?

KLOREN: You see, we traveled across the eighth dimension on a mission. We don’t know what the mission is, except that it involves something spelled "x-i-a-o-t-s-a-i."

BIRDMAN: (visibly shaken) You don’t mean Xiao Tsai!

KENNY: Apparently we do. Now, who or where is this "Xiao Tsai"?

BIRDMAN: Xiao Tsai isn’t a place or a person. He’s an IMSA student.

KLOREN: Can you tell us how to find this "IMSA student"?

BIRDMAN: (Looking around nervously) Maybe. Maybe. (Lowers voice) You may think you know what you’re dealing with, but, believe me, you don’t. (pause) Why is that funny?

KENNY: That’s what the district attorney used to tell us on the other side of the eighth dimension.

BIRDMAN: I’m serious. Your lives are in danger. In fact, … (breaks off suddenly)

KLOREN: What is it?

BIRDMAN: I hear someone coming. (Soft, sinister footsteps are heard. BIRDMAN draws gun) Quick, duck down! (They duck down, and BIRDMAN gets ready to fire. After suitable buildup, everyone relaxes when the intruder comes into view and they realize that it’s just PATPOLK!)

BIRDMAN: Patpolk! Be more careful next time! I nearly shot you to death.

PATPOLK!: You don’t say! That would have terrible! A student killed on school grounds! I can’t think of anything more reprehensible! Perish the thought! The last thing anyone needs is more in-school violence. (He exits.)

KENNY: (To BIRDMAN) Well, can you at least tell us … (breaks off in mid-sentence as he realizes that, as he was watching PATPOLK! exit, the BIRDMAN disappeared. He looks around, realizing for the first time that his life really could be in danger.)

KLOREN: Look! He left us a note. (reads) "While I should be doing as little as possible, I have given you Xiao Tsai’s address. I should warn you, though, that the place is a dump. Farewell, and remember: Never take sides against the math department."

KLOREN: Oh no! Someone got to him before us! An IMSA student is dead!

KENNY: (taking a closer look) Wait a minute. He’s not dead. He’s just sleeping.

KLOREN: But what about the blood?

KENNY: It’s chocolate syrup.

XIAOTSAI: (stirring briefly) Not good, not good, … I’m a genius!

KLOREN: Sir, could you please ... (Xiao is already asleep again) Well, we have here a failure to communicate. What are we going to do now?

KENNY: Wait a minute. (picks up a piece of paper beside the sleeping Xiao) Before he fell asleep, he was working on a math problem. (reads) "2 teenagers travel across 8 dimensions and talk to 7 people in order to track down 1 MacGuffin with 8 letters. Prove by induction." (excitedly) You know, I think this problem is the key to our entire mission!

KLOREN: I think you’re right, but I’m no good at math. What we need here is a math god. No, better yet, a math psychopath!

KENNY: Dan the Man Macdaddy Stud Urman introduced me to one of those. His name is Prince Nick Fibonacci of Rupprecht.

OLIVIER: Kenny and Kloren found Prince Nick, but he was busy with Princess Nicki. They next decided to ask Jeff "Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da" Fonck.

JEFF: This is a very interesting problem. I think my upstairs neighbor, Kevin Costello, would be interested in it, so excuse while I run up the stairway to Kevin. (exits)

KEVIN: (looking at the problem) Ooh, it makes me wonder. (There is a sound in the bushes outside.) Jeff, wasn’t that a bustle in your hedgerow?

JEFF: It was a rustle, Kevin. You know sometimes words have two meanings.

KEVIN: Oh well. I’d better keep working on this problem. I have to get back to my home, Mosquito Manor, pretty soon.

KENNY: Wait a minute. That sound might mean someone is following us.

KLOREN: Don’t be silly, Kenny. You’re starting to sound paranoid, just like that guy we used to know. You know, the one who disappeared without a trace and was never seen again?

KENNY: Still … the Birdman did say our lives might be in danger. (He goes over to a tape player and starts playing "Redox Blues" very loudly, to cover up their noise.)

JEFF: Here we go … There! The answer is … 42!

KLOREN and KENNY: 42?!

KEVIN: Yup. Now, all you have to do is figure out the meaning of 42.

KLOREN: How are we going to do that?

JEFF: When I have a problem like that, I look to the west and I get a feeling. But if that doesn’t work, I would suggest that you ask around IMSA.

OLIVIER: Kenny and Kloren spent the day asking around IMSA for the meaning of "42."

KENNY: Did you find anything?

KLOREN: Other than that Katrina Herrmann is, in fact, German, no. The only person who knew anything was Megan Dinkelman, but she was so quiet I couldn’t understand a word she said. F. Murray Abraham seemed to know something, but he refused to open his mouth unless he got equal billing with my other sources. Our agents are negotiating right now.

KENNY: We don’t have time for this!

KLOREN: I know. Did you check the math office? When I went there, the only thing I saw was Jeff Tamer recharging himself.

KENNY: Yes, I talked with all the teachers: The Sloan, Sour Krouse, Crimson and Dover, and Always Balding Chuck Hamberg in math; Triple D, Dr. Horrell: The Ride, Branson "They Might be" Lawrence, and Josie "I am the" Wallmuth in science; A Chott in the Dark, Riva "Medium" Kuhl, and The Great and Wonderful Wizard of Ellipsis in English; and Kenneth "Be Our" Guest and Jim "It Smells Like" Victory in American Studies. I also talked to Dalia "I’ll be" Bach from the music department and Our Lady of Eternal Spanish from the foreign language department.

KLOREN: Did you talk to any of the RC’s?

KENNY: Yeah, I covered everyone from The Illustrious Yet Curiously Perky Tim Johanns to Jen "Clouds in my" Coffey. How about you? Did you talk to all of the students?

KLOREN: All except Tomkim, Joonkwak, Benlai, and Yunji, but I doubt that they’ll be of much help anyway. What should we do now?

KENNY: I suggest that we talk to some of the smartest students at IMSA.

KLOREN: You mean Tom Chi and Mitch Vaughn?

KENNY: No, even smarter than them.

KLOREN: The only people at IMSA smarter than them are the students in In Dods We Trust’s B-and D-day sophomore chemistry class.

KENNY: No, no, I’m talking about the NRF’s.

MATT: That’s funny. I feel like I just entered from another story.

WANGOMAN: How existentially sublime and stylish.

THE BODY: Well, Wangoman, you have to understand.

MATT: Boutros.

WANGOMAN: Boutros.

THE BODY: Ghali. (They all exit.)

DAN: I don’t personally know anyone named 42, but it sounds like a last name. Now, most of the last names here at IMSA are pretty normal, so it won’t be that hard to track down.

KENNY: (obsessively driven) What’s your last name?

MARGARET: Wat.

KENNY: What’s your last name??

MARGARET: That’s right.

KENNY: (louder) What’s your last name?

MARGARET: Wat.

KENNY: (even louder) What’s your last name?

MARGARET: That’s right!

KENNY: (loses his temper and slaps her) What’s your last name?

MARGARET: Wat.

KENNY: (slaps her again) What is your last name?

MARGARET: (breaks down sobbing) It’s my last name … and an interrogatory word!

KLOREN: We’re at a dead end! Oh, Kenny! Where will we go? What will we do?

KENNY: Well, one thing’s for certain. As God is my witness, I’ll never eat Arbor again!

OTHER STEVE: Have you asked the Frankster?

KLOREN and KENNY: Who?

STEVE: You’ve never heard of the Frankster? He has a record as long as Bob Dole’s right arm. He’s the most responsible student at IMSA- whenever something goes wrong, he’s the one who’s responsible.

OTHER STEVE: You can find him quite easily. You just have to Steve in yourself, and anything is possible.

KLOREN: Frankster, do you know what "42" means?

FRANKSTER: (eyes grow wide) Tu madre es un estacionamiento con jamón y queso. Buen provecho. (As he talks, he goes over to the radio and starts playing the theme from "Shaft" loudly to cover up the conversation.) Ahem. Sorry about that, but one can never be too careful. Los paredes oyen, as it were. You see, 42 is a very big subject, and just the fact that I know about it means that they watch over me.

KENNY: I appreciate your taking the risk of talking to us.

FRANKSTER: Yes. Well, now, 42 is the code name for what could be the biggest thing to hit this country since Roswell.

KLOREN: You mean … the birth of an actress even worse than Demi Moore?

FRANKSTER: No; bigger than that, even. But I’m afraid I don’t know enough to give you complete information. For that, you’ll have to go to my source.

KENNY: Who is your source?

FRANKSTER: He lives in Hollywood. I don’t know his real name, but he calls himself "Donald Sutherland."

KLOREN: Could you tell us how to contact him?

FRANKSTER: (soft, monotonous whisper) I’m sorry, guys. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

KENNY: Why not? Would you like to see some money?

FRANKSTER: (angrily) You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a shmen, which is what I am! (pauses, overcome by emotion, then calms down slightly) All right, all right, I’ll tell you if you can answer me this question one: Who is the Incredibly Strange Creature Who Stopped Living and Became a Wenchen on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown and why is she saying all those terrible things about me?

OLIVIER: Kloren had no trouble answering that question, and so our protagonists departed with their information. A little while later, the Frankster entertained another visitor.

VISITOR: Hello. Well, enough small talk. My name is Bondi … James Bondi. The IMSA administration has asked me to discuss a certain matter with you. May I be frank?

FRANKSTER: Of course not! I already am!

BONDI: (taken aback, then recovers) Very well then. In that case, may I be earnest?

FRANKSTER: Well, all right, Ernie. What’s the problem?

BONDI: It’s about your last name. The administration doesn’t like it. They find the "-ster" part to be suggestive of witchcraft as well as "being in ‘stir,’" which is obviously not the image they are aiming for. As a result, I have been sent to respectfully ask you to change your name.

FRANKSTER: Sir, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent statement did you even approximate anything remotely resembling a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now stupider for having listened to you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

BONDI: We were afraid you would act that way. Therefore, we are prepared to offer you a Slinky and a stress ball.

FRANKSTER: Oh! Well, it’s all right, then.

BONDI: Okay. You can keep "Frank," but you need a new last name. How about "Stein"?

FRANKSTER: Well, I’m not sure, but it sounds Jewish, so I’ll take it.

BONDI: Good. As for a middle name, how about "Niles"?

FRANKSTER: That’s perfect!

BONDI: That’s great. Well, goodbye, Mr. Frank N. Stein.

FRANK: (emphatically) My name is not Frank N. Stein. It’s "Fronkensteen"!

KLOREN: Mr. Sutherland, we were told you have information about "42."

SUTHERLAND: Who told you that? It’s not true! Now please, you’ll have to leave. I’ve just been through a terrible ordeal. My neighbor’s wife has been kidnapped! (sighs) Oh, what’s the use. I’d like to tell you, but I can’t.

KENNY: Well, can you just give us initials?

SUTHERLAND: Well … oh, all right. R.W.F.

KLOREN: You mean … You don’t mean …

SUTHERLAND: That’s right. Oh, what the heck. If you’ve guessed that much, I might as well tell you everything. Besides, I’m going to die of natural causes soon anyway. (pause) Well, as you know, R.W.F. is Rainer Werner Fassbinder.

KENNY: The militant homosexual.

SUTHERLAND: Yes.

KLOREN: Didn’t he die of a drug overdose?

SUTHERLAND: That’s what they want you to think. In reality, he was assassinated.

KENNY: But …, but …, why?

SUTHERLAND: Think about it. Who, if they ever get themselves organized, are most dangerous to the status quo? The militant homosexuals! Rainer Werner Fassbinder was one of the most prominent militant homosexuals, and they were afraid of him. If anyone could get militant homosexuals to rally behind him, it was Rainer Werner Fassbinder. So they killed him.

KLOREN: But …, but …, who? Who is they? I mean, who "are" they? Or … something.

SUTHERLAND: You don’t get it, do you! It’s a mystery wrapped up in a riddle all inside an enema! There are two groups fighting for control in this country, and it’s really strange, because at some levels they’re against each other, while at other levels they’re the same group! (convulses suddenly) Oh my god! It’s happening! The natural causes!

KENNY: Quick! Can you tell us anyone who’s involved?

SUTHERLAND: They all are! The FBI, CIA, IRS, NBA, … the Gambino family, the Baldwin family, the Parallax Corporation, the Bilderberg Group, the Masons, Gene Hackman, Omar Sharif, Bill Nye the Science Guy, …

KLOREN: Anyone else?

SUTHERLAND: Kur … nal Kon … try. (gasps) But following those up will just get you red herrings. If you want to get to the bottom of this, there’s one place you need to look. (on the verge of collapsing)

KENNY: Please! Tell us!

SUTHERLAND: The National Board of … The National Board of … Revoooooooooo… (he breathes his last)

KLOREN: Well, looks like we’ve finally reached a dead end. (realizes what she just said) No pun intended!

KENNY: What are you talking about? He said "National Board of Review"!

KLOREN: Don’t be silly. Only an idiot would pronounce "review" as "revoo."

KENNY: (dejected) I guess you’re right. (perks up) But at least we know it’s National Board of something!

KLOREN: Be realistic, Kenny! Every state of the union has a National Board of something-or-other. Why, even IMSA has one!

KENNY: (angrily) Still, we can’t just let this go.

VOICE: (menacing) Kenny, we know who you are and we know what you know. We’re warning you: Don’t go any farther with this. We’ll be watching you. (hangs up)

KLOREN: Who was that?

KENNY: (Lost in thought, distracted) Harrison Ford. (He is in turmoil. Finally he goes over to one of the shelves lining the apartment- and knocks it over. He begins demolishing the apartment. He tears up and destroys papers, furniture, pictures, and various odds and ends. All of a sudden he stops. He is holding a snowglobe. He stares at it as if remembering something that happened a long time ago. Then he mutters to himself, in a voice just loud enough to be heard:) Brian DePalma.

KLOREN: (goes over to him) Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?

KENNY: (distraught, but finally giving up) M-I-C-, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E.

KLOREN: Hey, there! Hi, there! Ho, there! You’re as welcome as can be!

BOTH: M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E! (as they march offstage together) Mickey Mouse! Donald Duck! Mickey Mouse! Donald Duck! Forever let us hold our banners high! High! High! High! Come along and sing a song, and join the jamboree! M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!

OLIVIER: As long as I am here, I feel that it is my duty to clear up a few loose ends.

Kenny attended law school on a full scholarship, but dropped out after he discovered that he could not argue with his own clients. He was last seen high in the mountains of Tibet, searching for that mythical object that exists only in our imaginations- a modern director with the talent of Frank Capra.

Kloren dedicated her life to serving humanity, first as a waitress and later as a lawyer. At the age of 36, she finally left her mark on the world when she went skydiving and her parachute failed to open.

Dan the Man Macdaddy Stud Urman is currently being ghetto and pimping the field.

Matt Shaft is currently a private detective living in Prague. He is the author of How to Get Ahead in Life (and Give Some, Too) and How to Titrate in Public and Not Get Caught.

Margaret, The Girl Who is Not Margaret, and The Incredibly Strange Creature Who Stopped Living and Became a Wenchen on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown are currently enjoying eternal life together in Romania, where they make a living doing testimonials for sunblock.

Xiao Tsai is currently a fugitive from a brain gang.

Steve and Steve, Steve, The Other Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve both entered film school. Steve, Steve, the Other Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve is making a profitable living churning out such Hollywood schlock as The Downing of Steve House and The Battleship Tom Kim. Steve, on the other hand, went the independent route, producing, directing, and writing the critically acclaimed semi-documentary feature, Medium Fool.

Jeff "Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da" Fonck and Kevin Costello both attended the California Institute of Technology, where their research on free radicals brought them nation-wide acclaim, including a mention in Abbie Hoffman’s posthumously written best seller, Steal This Crook.

Frank N. Stein changed his last name one more time- to "Furter."

Wangoman Who Will be 17 in the Year 2000 graduated from a well-known Polytechnic Institute with a pure math degree and went on to make millions in the field. Lately, he has become known as a generous philanthropist after donating large sums of money to such charitable associations as the Homicide Victims Support Group and the Organization of Militant Homosexuals.

Mr. DeHaven, Don Porzio, and The Birdman of IMSA formed their own musical group, called "Sam the Sham and The Crazy World of Barry Mann." Their just-released album, Chained Melody, is already climbing the Billboard charts.

Patpolk!, described by Tom Wolfe as "one of the brightest musical-comedy stars of the new generation," was forced out of a promising career after allegations that he was a "thespian" who practiced "nepotism" with underage members of his own family.

Yogesh "The Body" Raut has dedicated his life to writing works of fiction so full of esoteric movie references that no one in their right mind can understand them.

Rainer Werner Fassbinder died in 1982. As of yet, he has no plans for the future.

OLIVIER: And now, it is time for my big finish. I would like to introduce Sir John Gielgud, Sir Ralph Richardson, and Dame…

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Hey, Lord Laurence, your car alarm just went off!

OLIVIER: (running offstage) Is it safe?