1986

0 kills
First Kill - What's a KILL?

NO SKULLS

I think I came closer to a kill having to sit through April Fool's Day than the non-existent killer does throughout the whole stupid film. April Fool's Day is bad, and I don't mean bad in that good ghetto speak all the kids are talking like these days. All you need to know is that no one dies. NOT A SINGLE BLANKETY-BLANK PERSON DIES! What kind of horror movie is this with no horror?

A bunch of college kids go to an old abandoned hotel across some body of water for some stupid reason. Just like Ten Little Indians, all the guests at the hotel begin dying. Except, unlike Ten Little Indians (that's And Then There Were None for those of you with the PC version), the people never die! We're made to believe that people are being murdered (or abducted, or going to the bathroom...), but WE NEVER SEE A KILL! People just vanish. IT SUCKS! IT SUCKS WHATEVER IT IS THAT SUCKS! I swear that I've never wasted more of my life than the time I spent watching this movie. Why don't we ever see anyone die? Cause it's April Fool's Day, moron! Man. Shoot me.

The characters are pretty lame and you never really care about any of them. You just hope and wish that somebody -- ANYBODY -- will die. Sadly, it never happens. An 80's movie with a bunch of 80's promiscuous jerks (prime killing material in any other movie) and not a single kill. There's something horribly wrong with that. This movie needs Angela. Jason, Michael, Manson, God... anybody who knows how to kill could have made this pile worth watching. THERE'S MORE KILLS IN BAMBI FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! There's some long distance brief nudity and one or two "would have been sorta kinda neat if that was a kill" scenes, but that's hardly worth the effort to sit through this garbage. The plot is nonexistent and just drags on and on, the characters are lame and the cast lacks a killer, and ending is just about the dumbest ending you could want from a horror movie (it's right up there with "Oh! Looky that! It's all just a big fat stupid uneventful dream!"). It's all just a big waste of time, and the complete utter lack of killing just makes it all the more frustrating to watch. Heed my warning and avoid April Fool's Day at all costs.

-- Dad's Sticky Axe

NO SKULLS
Coolio -- Kill a pig, kill a cow, I want blood, I want it NOW! This... movie... SUCKED!

Grossy Gracie -- The ending sucked, but it's still somewhat interesting.

NO SKULLS
Rev. Blood -- This movie literally leaves me speechless. Not because it's so breathtaking that I'm left in awe, but rather that I fear if I open my mouth to speak, it will be filled with the same horrid shit that took up 90 minutes of the cassette tape this movie was recorded on. So if Satan offers you the choice of watching this movie or having your dick cut off, remember that you can still please women with your tongue and/or sexual toys.

NO SKULLS
Kat Killing Kannibal -- More like, "Hey, I'm in a gay movie."

NO SKULLS
The Magician -- The only reason this movie should get anything is because Biff is in it!