1988
9 kills
First Kill - 4 minutes
This movie's title should be Stupid Movie about a Stupid House with Stupid Characters. I don't really know what I just watched, but it sucked. It did have some good special effects and a couple of good kills, but the overall stupidity was just too much to handle.
It all begins with a dad who is punishing his daughter. He leaves her in her room and goes downstairs. Suddenly, he and his wife are killed by someone or something. These 2 kills (an axe to the back of the head and glass to the face/slit throat) are actually very good. At this point, 5 minutes into the movie, if people would just start coming to the house and dying like this, it'd be great! Weird, but great. But no, we have to see the dreaded "20 Years Later" crap come up.
So now, everything's modern. Remember, though, it's the 80's so modern often means crap. We meet this guy named Paul who plays with radios. His radios can reach people all over the country and he talks to them. It's like the internet of the 80's! Why didn't I have one?? They all have code names and you can switch through all of these different channels and stuff. It seemed really neat. Anyway, 2 nights in a row, Paul hears a murder over his radio. Well, because he's a computer genius, he can just run some data through his computer and find out the exact house that the sending radio was located in!! (This must be the same computer program the little boy uses in Stepfather 3...)
Instead of calling the police, Paul decides to go check it out. So he and his... girlfriend? fiance? wife? I dont know, but she talks like she has marbles in her mouth, so she pissed me off... anyway, he and his woman go all the way from Boston to... somewhere else in Massachusettes... to investigate. Yeah, as you can see, this movie is not very informative at all.
When they get to the house, they find a group of campers, camping outside of the old house where the people were killed in the beginning of the movie. After realizing that the voice being murdered on the radio was one of the campers, Paul plays the tape for them. With no explanation, the camper admits that he did set up his radios in the old house, but he hadn't even turned them on or hooked up the antenna yet. Time to explore the house! And die! Yey!
A rock... a bear... a lad... a bath... What the hell is that chanting??? It is so damn irritating. The back of this box makes some little joke about making Elm Street look safe or something like that. So I guess this little chant is supposed to be their version of "1, 2, Freddy's coming for you..." But, while Freddy's chant used to kinda freak me out when I was little, this chant had me beating my head on my coffee table, screaming, "STOP! STOP! STOP!!!" At least I can understand the words in Freddy's. I can even sing along if I want. This one, though, is horrible. What's he saying?? Maybe it's his grocery list? A lot... of beer... a ham... a bag... I don't know!! And they never really tell us! Paul's super computer gets "burial" out of it. Stupid.
Ahh... This movie just has too much bad acting and stupidity for me. Some of the kills are cool, like when the girl is chopped in half, or when the fan blade slices a guy's throat, and even the hammer to the head. But some of the kills aren't so cool. Hanging in the tree? Drowning in milk? Or whatever that white stuff was! But what adds the most to the ignorance is the lack of a killer. I understand that the ghost of a little girl is the main killer. But throughout the movie, the ghost, a clown doll, the grim reaper (i guess), a dog, an old man, one of the campers, and a bus(!!) all combine for 9 kills! Stupid, stupid! The grim reaper guy and the dog don't kill, but they try, so mark them down for zero each. The camper girl kills her boyfriend by accident and a bus snags one. The other 7 are spread out between the ghost, the doll, and the old man. (Did the old man ever even kill anyone?? I don't remember... He tried his ass off, I know that.)
So, you're walking through the video store and you see this... what do you do? You rent it! And figure out the stupid chant and e-mail me because I'm gonna go nuts if I don't find out what it's saying!!
-- Coolio
