1981
9 kills
First Kill - 3 minutes
NO SKULLS
I need to go to the fictional town of Valentine. Seems like everyone there had a girlfriend, even guys who should be sitting along the walls during the sock hops drinking punch and weeping. Not that I'd do that. No sir. I prefer tea. Anyway, all you need to know is just how much My Bloody Valentine sucked and to avoid it like the Plague avoids SSMS nights.
If you were expecting some teen horror movie about relationships and stuff, you'd be expecting wrong, stupid. No, this is the story of a bunch of miners in some boring dull town that makes Mayberry look like Vegas. The movie centers around a handful of boring teens and their job -- mining. You know, mining like with the pick axes and the coal and hats with lights on them. Most of the movie centers on this big dark spooky cave they mine and the evil killer miner from the past.
When I think of mines, I think of bearded men with big axes and dirty clothes all praying that a canary stays alive so they can mine some gold or something. In My Bloody Valentine, we get the kids from Riverdale just kinda hanging out in the mine but never really doing any work. Damn lazy teens. Probably some kind of JTPA Green Team program. Of course, avoiding work isn't all they do; the guys like to hang out at the local school's really big room as well and hit on the girls who's only goal in life is to make sure the really big room is properly decorated for the upcoming Valentine's Day dance.
Every guy has a girl in this movie except for poor little gay John Davis. While all the other guys manage to date girls, including a Cheap Trick's Bun E. Carlos lookalike, poor John has to contend with his skeeball addiction. It seems his former girlfriend left him cause he went away for a while, and she started dating some stupid blond jerk with a name I can't remember nor looks enough like a band member to refer to him as that. Blond guy and John don't get along, and the former girlfriend is torn between the big dumb blond jock or John who likes to wear pastels and scarves. Hmm...
You're probably wondering where all the killing is by now. Me too. The killer, a masked miner, is weak. He doesn't really kill all that much, or at least want to show us his kills. We usually just see him dragging some corpse along with his pick axe. Oh, there's a couple of kills that would have been neat if we ever got to see them. One of the earlier kills involves an old woman doing her laundry. Our killer takes the woman and stuffs her in a dryer (we don't really see it), then turns every heart decoration (remember, it's Valentine's Day season) upside-down. The upside-down hearts tip off the police, cause you just know something isn't right when you see a holiday decoration upside-down. Are you bored yet? I am.
The dialogue sucks and the plot is about as interesting as the absorbing power of kitty litter. You never care about the cast except for gay little John Davis, and even all the skeeball playing in the world can't save this movie. Worst of all, the killer sucks. He has a nice calling card (he leaves actual hearts in candy heart boxes behind after a kill) but his kills are garbage. I swear the wrath I incur from writing reviews lately is more exciting than this tripe.
My Bloody Valentine is the kind of Sunday matinee movie you'd see on syndication after all the shows worth buying commercial time for are over. In fact, I kept dozing off near the end a bit because it's so dull and uneventful. Unless you're looking for a cure for insomnia or wanna see a guy prance around with a powder blue scarf and still remain confident of his masculinity, avoid My Bloody Valentine at all costs. That goes for real-life, too.
-- Dad's Sticky Axe
Coolio -- Dad was a little harsh. I think he missed some things when he fell asleep. He got the facts right though, so trust him there. The thing about this movie though is that, as dumb as it is, it's completely watchable. There is so much to make fun of, and the killings are kind of spread out. I especially liked the heart in the box of candy. That was gross. And I think there were some candies that were filled with blood too. It's not a movie to repeat or anything, but it's worth seeing once. I'd rank it somewhere around Rawhead Rex, maybe slightly better.
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