Important Health Tips from the Doctor ...
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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and

that's it ... don't waste them on exercise.  Everything

wears out eventually. Speeding up your  heart will

not make you live longer; that's like  saying you can

extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want

to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more

fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are

these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more

than an efficient mechanism of delivering

vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork

chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop.
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Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits
and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide

everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that
beer and wine are not animal, and they are not

on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger
and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat,
your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,

your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
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Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement
and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress

yourself to death in record time.
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How

could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if

you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Hello ... Cocoa beans ... Another
vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets. Have a

cookie ... flour is a veggie!

 

One more thing. "When life hands you lemons, ask

for a bottle of tequila and the salt."
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