1. Everyone has a
photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last,
thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is
like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive?
How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in
thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down,
the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all.
Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the
sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm
diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead, he's
electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late, in
fact, her ancestors arrived on the
"Juneflower."
13. You have the right to
remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted and used against
you.
14. I wonder how much deeper
the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace
and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm
reloading.
17. Despite the cost of
living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular.
18. Nothing is foolproof to
a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand
how a cemetery can raise its burial costs
and blame it on the higher
cost of living.
20. Just remember...if the
world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a
90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you
line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid
enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have
everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world
population.
25. If the shoe fits, get
another one just like it.
26. The things that come to
those that wait, may be the things left by those
who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he
will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all
day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for
holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a
device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for
doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently
discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it
doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck
stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with
nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court,
you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren't smart
enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster
than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them
speak
