by Jennifer
Question:
What is the most addictive substance known to man?
Hints:
1) It’s imported
2) It’s white
3) Sometimes it’s hard and concentrated
4) Sometimes it’s powdery and loose
5) Measure it out in kilos.
Answer: No, it’s not crack
cocaine…it’s Altoids!
What? Altoids…the Original
Celebrated Curiously Strong Peppermint? That’s the most addictive substance?
Yes, I’m afraid so. Argue with me and I’ll shoot you down. I’ve tried enough.
I know enough. I can say without a shadow of a down these tiny, white,
cylinders are habit forming and unstoppable.
Callard & Bowser, the
British Company that produces Altoids, claim the ingredients to be sugar,
gum arabic, oil of peppermint, gelatin, and glucose syrup. I don’t know
what it is but there must be a wicked chemical reaction that stuff produces
when it hits stomach acid. The first time I ate an Altoid I though, "This
is gross." It was. Very nasty stuff. I couldn’t chew it up without gagging
it was so strong. Then, just as it starts taking more and more beer to
get a buzz, it takes more and more Altoids to be strong enough for you.
I can now eat no less than three at once or I’m not satisfied. I get upset
if I don’t have a tin of Altoids with me at all times. My boyfriend used
to be a chain smoker. I can’t stand smoking so I made him start eating
Altoids. He got hooked as well. He doesn’t smoke at all now and swears
it’s all the Altoids fault. If you get a bad sinus cold, eat Altoids. It
will clear you right up. It’s better than menthol cough drops. Altoids
can also be harmful. I know another guy who is more addicted than I am.
He got a bad case of laryngitis. The doctor said the Altoids were making
it worse. He was eating so many it peeled off a layer of skin in his throat.
He’s about to die now because he’s only allowed 15 Altoids a day. It’s
like taking heroin away from a junkie. Now, the question you may be wondering
is…what about Wintergreen Altoids? Now, I believe that to a certain extent
Wintergreen Altoids may be a credible source. But a credible source in
the way Nicorette gum is an alternative to smoking. If I can’t come by
Peppermint, I can stand Wintergreen. Not for very long though. Not a substitute
for the real thing. Wintergreen is the generic brand in my opinion. The
most thrilling sight of my life was when I got a giant box of 400 Altoids
from a friend for Christmas. My other addict friend (the one with laryngitis)
also got a box. We opened both boxes and stared at the over 800 Peppermint
Altoids for a good fifteen minutes without saying a word. Life was good.
Once you get addicted, you start to be one with the Altoid. You can do
exciting tricks with the box, the Altoids, the paper, the powder, anything
at all that has to do with Altoids. I can flawlessly throw an Altoid high,
high into the air and catch it in my mouth from any angle. The motivation?
If I drop it I’ll be wasting an Altoid. I can’t let that happen. My dream
is someday for everyone one earth to gasp when they hear that familiar
crinkle of the tissue paper in the shiny silver tin. The happy sound of
an tin of Altoids being open and the satisfied sucking and crunching as
one more person falls under the domineeringpower of the mighty Altoid…the
curiously addictive peppermint.
Jennifer 