|
|
|
|
|
Until Chris asked for the info to build a page for each
mom.......I truly hadn't thought about who I was. For many years I was my
parents daughter. Then I became a wife. Finally, to my sheer joy and
amazement, I became a mom. I knew immediately that being a mother was why
God had created me. No longer did I care if I wore designer labels or
sported the latest hairdo. My main focus was on my baby. I was all consumed
by her existence. I knew I wanted more children, but I certainly wasn't
looking forward to labor and delivery.
When my first born child was 2 1/2, her father and I divorced. My child was
still the main focus in life. I knew I wanted to marry again, but this man
was going to have to be pretty amazing for me to allow him into her life.
When I met Kelly (my husband) I knew he was the one. He had 3 children of
his own. He seemed to be a very attentive father and my daughter liked
him....so did I. We were married less than a year later. To our
delightment, we were awarded custody of all the children. Thus, our family
had begun.
We had a son, Roy-7 years old.....a daughter, Heather-3 years
old....and twins, Clay and Evalyn-2 years old. Less than 2 years later, we
were blessed with the birth of our youngest son, Justin. Justin was our
family glue.....the cement that brought us all together. He truly was
everyone's real baby brother. We all enjoyed him so much. Justin was such a
delightful baby.....why wouldn't he be? He had 6 people at his beck and
call. My life was perfect. But then, it always had been. My husband used
to tease me and tell me that I grew up in a rose garden. I suppose I did.
My parents were the best.
Now I'm not going to try to convince anyone that life was a bowl of cherries
allllll the time. But for most part.........loving and teaching five
children was awesome. Of course there were tough times....both financially
and emotionally. The good times outweighed the bad by sooooo much, that I
can't really conjure up too many bad times. Kelly is a perfect life partner.
When I couldn't see a light at the end of tunnel.....he guided me and loved
me....no matter what. I hope I have done the same for him for the last 20
years.
He encouraged me to try new things. He even bought me many power tools when
I decided to try my hand at woodworking. I really did enjoy that time in my
life. But, the children got older and needed my taxi service more often, so
that went by the way side. Who cares? Then I had this bright idea that I
should buy a convenience store....that was a disaster....lol. A mother of
five trying to run a store? What was I thinking? It lasted about a year. I
should have known that I wouldn't succeed at that......too much time away
from my family.
I also tried my skill as an office manager for a couple of years. I was
really good at my job.....but I missed my family. So, that too went by the
way side. I finally realized that all I was meant to do was take care of my
family. What a relief to finally figure out what I wanted to be when I grew
up....lol. A mom. That's all I wanted to be.
I loved staying home and being there if the children needed me. I loved
redecorating. I'm quite good at hanging wallpaper and painting. I love to
work in the yard. We have 2 1/2 acres of land, so there is plenty of yard
work to do. I love taking care of the pool. To some people, analyzing the
water and keeping it sparkling clear is a chore. But to see the joy on my
children's faces when they are swimming is certainly payment enough for me.
Besides, having a pool and a big yard sure does keep your children at home.
I used to laugh and say that we had the "Kool-Aid" house. It seemed that the
house was always filled with lots and lots of young visitors. I just knew
that this was what I was meant to be. As the children got older and started
moving out "on their own", things did get easier. I mean, there wasn't as
much laundry to do and I could buy just one gallon of milk at a time...lol.
And then, one day I realized it was just me, Kelly and Justin left at home. I
should have felt some deep sense of loss, but I was truly enjoying spoiling
them. I had plenty of time to carefully iron their clothes and I could
afford to cook more appealing meals. Justin could have more company over and
I was able to dote on him in a way that I never could when all five were
home. Not that I didn't try.....there just aren't enough hours in a day to
spoil five children....but one child?.....that's a breeze. Especially when
that child knew exactly how to show his appreciation. His father taught him
well. Justin could be so incredibly charming. He was his father's
clone......both physically and emotionally.
I really walked around thinking that I had to be the luckiest person on
earth. I had five beautiful, smart, polite and hard working children. I had
parents that couldn't be better. I had two younger brothers that had finally
realized that a big sister was really cool. The entire family would gather
for holidays. It was a time a great happiness and sheer enjoyment.
Then........my father got sick. He died waiting on a donor heart.
Then..........Justin, my baby, died in an auto related accident. My rose
garden was filled with thorns. Where before, I had only noticed the
beautiful blossoms.
Now you want to know 'who am I'?. Well, I don't know. I'm just me. I'm
still Libbie. I'm still the same person I was 43 years ago when I was born.
Only now I know that life isn't always what we want it to be. I know that
I'm not always who I want me to be. I know that I'm not what my surviving
children want me to be. But.........I'm here. And I intend to learn to live
with the monstrous pain of my child dying. Trying to decipher each moment of
my life and make it mean something. I'm not succeeding with this effort yet.
But, I will. I will learn to laugh out loud....and mean it from the bottom
of my heart. I will learn to hug my surviving children without thinking of
the child that is not here to hug. I will learn to be the supportive wife
that I know can be. I will learn to be the strong, capable daughter that I
once was for my mom. I will learn what it is that God wants me to do with
this tragedy. I will try to find Libbie again. I know she's in
there....hiding from the pain, but she's there. I think I just might like
her too. I know she has very strong opinions about some things....much to
her children's dismay....but all in all, I think she tries to live life with
love. I know if she could, she would take away all the pain in the world and
replace it with the most beautiful, thornless rose garden ever seen.
|
