Once upon a time there lived a horse named Dimwit. Dimwit was all black and shiny, and he used to gallop freely through the pastures, while his owner, Sally-Jean, sat on his back and laughed. They were best friends, and nothing could tear them apart.
But this story isn't about Dimwit, and it isn't about his pal Sally-Jean either.
It's about two crazy twins named Maggie and Sarah and their F...B...I parents and their little twin sisters, named after dead and abducted people.
So anyways, once upon a time, Sarah and Maggie came home from school to find their parents and sisters gone. "Alright, par-tay!" Maggie cried, doing a strange dance that wound up sending her onto her back. She grinned.
"YAY!" Sarah cried. "Maybe we have potatoes around here somewhere!"
"Oooh, narkalicious!" cried Maggie, getting off the floor.
"Very," Sarah agreed. "Now what do we do?"
"Find potatoes?"
"Nah, let's do something exciting. We never do anything exciting."
Maggie looked at her strangely. "Oh yeah, okay, let's see, we've seen aliens, been abducted by aliens, been abducted by the Men in Black, found our natural parents in a story that is still being written, been seperated from each other for months, possibly years, at a time, been talked to by kitchen appliances...you're right Sarah, we never, ever do anything exciting."
"Well phooey!" Sarah cried. "I want to do something really, really exciting."
"Well...we could always go sit outside and watch people go by," Maggie said slowly.
Sarah's eyes lit up. "Yeah! Let's go!"
Five minutes later, they sat on the front steps of the apartment and watched people go by. Most of the people were boring, scratching their butts when they thought no one was looking, or trying to be slick by walking cooly, but falling flat on their faces. It was pretty typical, until a girl ran up to them. She had brown hair, blue eyes, glasses and big globe earrings hanging from her ears. "Are you Maggie and Sarah Mulder?" she demanded.
"Maybe, and maybe we're just figments of your imagination," Sarah said eerily, followed by her famous and patented, "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The girl grinned. "Yeah, it's you," she said breathlessly. "Listen. My name is Danielle Carter, and I need your help."
"Do we know you?" Maggie asked suspiciously.
Danielle shrugged. "I've seen you guys around school, you have a reputation for being really weird and eccentric."
"Woo hoo!" cried Sarah.
"But listen. I'm in a lot of trouble."
"How so?" Maggie asked.
"I have a twin sister, like you. An evil twin sister. And she's coming after me."
"Coming after you?" Sarah asked. "Like, with a butcher knife and an M80?"
"3No, like with a laser gun and a BIC pen!"
Maggie screamed, then burst into tears.
"You have to hide me. Please, I knew you were the only ones who would believe me!"
"Okay," Sarah said, helping a sobbing Maggie to her feet. "Come on inside."
Danielle breathed a sigh of relief and followed the twins up to their apartment. Number 21. Someone had taken a purple magic marker and drawn an 11 in front of the numbers. No one knew who it was, and Maggie liked to tell people an angel of glory came down from Heaven and drew it there. Probably the giraffe or something.
"Danielle," Maggie began, sniffling and wiping away her tears.
"Dani," she corrected. "Call me Dani."
"Dani, call me Dani," she said, still wiping away tears. "Why is your twin coming after you?"
"Because she's psychotic!" Dani cried. "Psychotic and deranged!"
"I'm psychotic and deranged, but I wouldn1t go after Maggslee!" Sarah proclaimed proudly.
"I...I'm psychotic and deranged, and I wouldn't go after Sarahbellum," Maggie added, her tears tapering off.
"But this girl is different!"
"What's her name?" Sarah asked.
"Well, my parents have connections. Actually, my parents are divorced. My father is a gay ex-surfer who is trying to prevent your parents from ever kissing again, and my mother works for the MIB, so we have access to all wordly files through our computer. I found that my twins name is Walterina Skinny, and she's pure evil. I asked my mother about her, and she admitted that we were identical twins, but when we were babies, Walterina tried to strangle me with the vaccum word, and she cut a heart out of my pajamas, so she sent Walterina away to live somewhere else. Now Walterina is after me again, and I know that your parents are FBI and that you guys are crazy enough to believe anything, so I came to you for help."
"I'm touched," Sarah said tearily, patting her hand over her heart.
"Me tooooo!" Maggie cried, not to be outdone.
Sarah frowned. "Wait...Walterina Skinny...that sounds almost like A.D. Walty," she said.
"Actually, she was raised by Walty-Boy's older sister, who escaped from a mental hospital. Her name was Eve 6."
"Is she related to the homicidal twins named Eve 9 and Eve 10 who went on the killing spree last year and killed all those colorblind monkies but were never caught?" Maggie asked.
"Maybe," Dani said thoughtfully. "But anyways, if she finds me, I'm a dead freak."
"Toaster bless the freaks," Sarah said warmly.
Dani looked shocked. "You guys are Toasterarianites too?"
"I invented Toasterarianism!" Maggie cried proudly.
"I co-founded it!" Sarah proclaimed.
Dani looked immensly happy. "Wow!"
A loud noise erupted outside. It sounded like someone terrible (like Mr. Cullen maybe) dying, letting out shrieks and yowls. The three (yuckola! Ew! Ew! Ew!) girls ran to the window and peeked outside. It was Mr. Cullen dying. Dani and Maggie began to cheer and scream loudly. Sarah scratched her head and frowned. "Huh?" she wailed.
Then they noticed a girl who looked exactly like Dani down below. She was stabbing Mr. Cullen with a BIC pen. "Go Wally!" shrieked Maggie. Sarah looked horrified and Dani screamed. "She's coming to get me!"
"We have to hide her," Sarah said, shaking Maggie, snapping her out of her happy mood.
Maggie spun around and thought hard. "Dani, call me Dani, will she be able to tell you're up here in this exact apartment from down there?"
Dani nodded, her eyes huge. Sarah pushed her to the corner of the living room and sat her down on a stool. Maggie pointed a flashlight in her eyes.
"Where were you on the night of the eighty-sixth?" Sarah demanded.
"Hello?" Dani yelled. "Wally is coming!"
"Oh yeah," Sarah said, motioning for Maggie to shut off the flashlight. Maggie made a face, but shut off the flashlight. Angrilly, she whipped it at the wall. It headed more towards the door. A minute before it hit, the door was thrown open and Wally Skinny was standing there with a BIC and a laser. They all screamed, but then the flashlight Maggie had thrown hit her on the forehead. She fell down onto her back and passed out. Maggie jumped for joy, then ran and grabbed her trusty glue-gun whoile Sarah grabbed her stapler. Dani looked around, not sure of what to take, and then grabbed a bottle of ammonia from the kitchen. "Good idea," Sarah said with a nod. "If BJ's granny could stop her with it, you can stop your twin with it."
"Who?"
"Never mind," Maggie and Sarah said eerily together. "Now let's run!"
They ran past Wally. Maggie stopped and gave her a squirt with her glue-gun so her hair was stuck to the door. Sarah stapled her hands to the floor and Dani just watched.
The girls ran out of the apartment and began to run down the streets of Washington, D.C. Dodging federal spies and prostitutes, they finally got to the FBBN HQ. Since Maggie and Sarah were so special, they were already a part of the FBBN. They fished their badges out of their back pockets and ran to the main entrance. They slammed their badges up against the windo wwith the guard. He nodded and opened the eleven gates to the building. Now that they were inside, they could slow down.
Dani looked around in awe at all the people inside the Federal Bureau of Bad News. It wasn't a place for cool, top-shape smart people, it was a place for people who had something to give. In Maggie and Sarah's cases, heightened psychosis, intelligence and a knack for scaring people into what they wanted. Some other people there included a man who could trick people into streaking naked and screaming whole truths and a woman who turned people into monkies if they didn't pay attention, among other people.
They walked for a while, and reached an office in the basement. A large blue poster on the back well read "I Don't Want to Believe...I ALREADY DO!!". Two desks were side by side, one plaque reading Maggslee and the other reading Sarahbellum. Dani watched the girls sit behind their desks. Sarah's phone rang. She picked it up. "Youngest Mulder," she answered. She listened for a moment and frowned. "Maggslee, pick up line one."
Maggie picked up. "Not as Red as the Red Mulder," she answered. She listened for a second. "Nefflarshnifft, calm down," she soothed. "I'm sure the Smoking Man could not have been the one who stole your Boston Creme Pie from the staff fridge."
Sarah turned to Dani. "We're safe here," she assured her.
It was then that something green began to leak from the ceiling. "Jello," Sarah muttered, shaking her head. "Something's up," she decided, picking up the phone and dialing the number to her parents office.
"Original Mulder," her father answered.
"Dah-dee, put Mamalee on the phone," Sarah said, tossing a pencil up at the ceiling.
A second later; "Red Mulder."
"Mom, I need you to look up some info on one Walterina Skinny. I don't think it's safe to do it here, there's Jell-o leaking from the ceiling."
"Walterina Skinny?" her mother asked.
"Yes. Her birth parents are on Chris Carter and some woman in the MIB. She was, however, raised by a woman called Eve 6, the sister of A.D. Walty Skinnier."
"What does she look like?"
"Blue eyes, glasses, brown hair, possibly wearing those globe earrings she got from the Juniper Hill Pumpkin Fair after getting her fortune read by Madame Zrinka," Sarah said.
"Oh, her. She came in here a minute ago demanding all my bubble gum. So I gave her some, and she said she was off to kill her twin. Your father claims it's because of aliens, but there has got to be some scientific explaination for this."
"Oh no!" Sarah cried. "Mom, why didn't you tell us as soon as it happened?"
"Because your father said that you had nothing to do with it and that maybe it was a member of our government."
"I am a member of the government!" Sarah cried stoically, slamming the phone down and looking at Maggie. "Maggs, hang up, we've got trouble."
"I'll call you back, Yoluuf," Maggie said, slamming the phone down. "Bloody hell."
"Damnation," Sarah agreed.
"We did it again," Maggie sighed.
"No time for that! Wally is on her way over here!"
Dani screamed as her identical twin burst through the window. She was floating from a big bubble she had blown. As soon as she got into the office, she spit the gum out and landed on the floor with a mysterious boom. She began to creep towards Dani who was trembling with fear. Dani threw the ammonia into her eyes. Wally screamed and dropped to her knees.
"LOONEY QUACKERS AWAY!!! HEYUP, HEYUP!" screamed Maggie as she and Sarah ran to the crumpled form on the floor and began to go insane with their glue and staples until they had her in a position so she could not escape. Maggie reached over and picked up her phone, dialing a number. "Yeah, Schniffenhaur...yeah, we've got a crazy one glued up here, we need you to come take her away...alright," she said, slamming the phone down. "Jay Schnifferhaur is on his way down to take..." she began.
The door burst open and a man raced in, picked up the screaming clone and ran out with her. And then she was gone.
"Cool," Sarah said after a few minutes.
"Coolarific," Dani corrected.
Maggie grinned. "Groovy baby."
Dani sat down on a chair by the door. Maggie laughed. "Excitement enough for ya, Sarah dear?"
"No," Sarah said saddly. "I think it's time to stalk the cheerleaders."
Dani brightened. "Can I come too?"
"Sure!" Maggie cried.
The three (Ugh! Yuck! Blech! Augh!) girls then stalked the cheerleaders for a while. They had loads of fun.
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