“I totally can’t believe you guys talked me into this,” Maggie said, skeptically gazing at her reflection. “I feel so…unlike…me.”
“Hey, I had nothing to do with this,” Sarah said.
“True,” Maggie said. She reached up and smooth an elusive red curl down. “Dani, this is all your fault. I blame you for this and everything else that has gone wrong in my life to date.”
Dani grinned. She was sitting on Maggie’s bed and watching her apply makeup at the vanity table. Sarah was sitting on her bed doing the same. Maggie was glancing in the mirror and carefully running a tube of black eyeliner along her lower lid. “This is gonna suck ass,” she mumbled, trying not to move her head and wind up with a huge black streak across one cheek.
“Maggs, I think you’re overreacting…” Dani began. Maggie whirled around and glared at her. “…uhh, just a little bit. I think you’re very slightly overreacting.”
Maggie turned around again to face her reflection. She grabbed her mascara. “And how is that, my rodentish little big sister?” she asked sarcastically.
“Well, ‘cause you already know Tobias. So it’s not like a blind date or anything. It’s just…you know…you guys hanging out.”
“No, dumbass,” Maggie said with a sigh, finishing up with her mascara and screwing the cap back on. “Me and Tobias hanging out would be me and Tobias sitting in his basement casting circles with brown sugar and making up incantations to bring random people like Helen Keller back from the dead. This is Tobias taking me out to a really fancy restaurant and paying for the meal. Possibly holding doors for me and kissing my hand and other queer stuff like that. So again, dumbass, this isn’t anything like us just hanging out.”
She sighed, and rose to her feet. “How do I look?”
She was wearing a black halter top made of silky material, and a black skirt that fell halfway to her knees. Black strappy sandals with heels adorned her feet. Her fingernails and toenails were painted blood red. Her hair was a wild mass of curls and was neatly gathered atop her head in a bun, with a few stray curly strands popping out here and there. Her eye makeup, as usual, was too dark and very smokey. “You look stunning, sweetie,” Sarah said. “I’m glad you didn’t wear the boots, though. You’d definitely look like a hooker.”
“I’ll hook you, bitch,” Maggie replied. She would have tackled Sarah to the floor, but she didn’t want to mess up her hair…
(<>..<>)
Tobias came to the door at seven exactly. He rang the doorbell.
It was thrust open by a six year old with dark pigtails and a devilish gleam in her eye. “Are you Maggie’s boyfriend?” the girl coyly asked before Tobias could even say hello to her. She was wearing her pajamas and looked so cute that Tobias didn’t have the heart to cast a horrific and painful spell on her.
“No, but I am her date. Is she home?” Tobias asked politely.
“Maggie!” the girl shouted, running for the stairs. “Your boyfriend is here!”
Tobias waited anxiously at the door. He held a small bouquet of sunflowers in his hands. He heard footsteps coming down the stairs, and he expected to see Maggie. But no, it was Dani.
“Tobias!” she shouted. “Thank God you came!”
Tobias stood there and carefully brushed a long strand of dark hair out of his eyes. “I still don’t understand why I’m here,” he said.
Dani grinned. “Welll…from what you tell me, you haven’t dated a girl in a long time. And Maggie’s sexual innuendos have me convinced that she desperately needs some action, if you know what I mean. So you two can make each other happy!”
Just then, Maggie descended the stairs. “Hello,” she called, taking the steps two at a time. She grabbed the bouquet out of his left hand, and his keys out of his right. She jumped onto her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “I’m driving the hearse, what say?”
Tobias watched in amazement as Maggie practically flew out the door. “Bye Dani,” Tobias said, quickly following.
(<>..<>)
They sat across from each other at the small table. A single candle burned. Maggie had a crazy urge to set the tablecloth on fire and see how long it would take to spread, but she refrained. I gotta act normal for Tobias, she kept saying to herself. Neither was looking at the other, and neither initiated any conversation. Maggie felt very ill-at-ease, like the time she, Sarah and Dani had gone to Merchant’s. She felt extremely out of place, even though this time she was dressed appropriately.
Casually, she swung her left foot back and forth and waited for Tobias to say something. After a few minutes, she finally said, “Well if you’re just gonna sit there and not say anything, I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy my salad.” And with that, she ruthlessly stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork and shoved it in her mouth.
Tobias glanced at her. Maggie glanced at him.
“You know Maggie, I think you’re a really pretty girl…”
“Listen buddy, don’t think I’m gonna be mackin’ it with you, ‘cause no offense, you aren’t my type.”
Tobias let out a long, low sigh. “Thank God,” he mumbled, leaning back in his chair slightly.
Maggie threw her fork into her plate. “Excuse me?” she shouted. “Don’t act like you don’t want me!” She jumped to her feet so he could get a better look at what her low-cut halter top was revealing. “How could you not want this?” she shouted. Everyone in the restaurant stared at her in absolute horror.
“I’m gay, Maggie!”
Maggie froze, paled, then turned bright red. She grabbed Tobias’ hand and pulled him to his feet. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” she said as they made a mad dash for the door.
(<>..<>)
“Oh Maggatty-Ann,” Sarah sang, standing over her sleeping sister. Maggie’s makeup was a mess, her clothes from the previous night were wrinkled, and her hair was a perfect disaster.
Maggie’s eyes fluttered open. She moaned and closed them. “What time did you get home last night, sister dear?”
“Four am,” Maggie barely managed to croak.
“Mackin’ it with Tobias all night?”
“Oh God no, he’s gay and I’m saving myself for Edward Norton,” Maggie sleepily replied.
“Tobias is gay?”
“Gay *and* a warlock,” Maggie reminded her. “A double whammy.”
“So what the hell were you doing all night?”
Maggie grinned through her sleepiness at the fond memory. “I taught him how to do tequila shots, and then we watched movies and lusted over very hot men. We discussed Jesus’ sexual orientation. We talked about how much Sierra sucks. We delved into the mysteries of why people from Massachusetts speak in a manner which is wildly different from everyone else in the country. We bitched about the quality of Wal-Mart iron-on letters. It was the best date I’ve ever had in my entire life.”
He's gay, pimpin it warlock style...TOBIAS! Now go home.
