by Maggie and Sarah Mulder
Note: this story contains lots and lots of swearing. If you are strange and don't want to subject yourself to this rated "R" story...please leave now. leave.
"Family sucks," Sarah proclaimed.
"Stop the casual swearing," Scully snapped.
"Suck isn't a swear, it's a verb," Maggie reminded her.
"Margaret!" Scully shouted.
"Call me Maggie," she said, her eyes burning with pure hatred.
"Uh, family still sucks," Sarah said from her place at the dinner table.
"Sarah!"
"Famlee thucks!" Samantha cried.
"Famwee fucks!" Missy cried happily.
"SARAH!" Scully screamed.
"Sarah, you're getting your mother all worked up, now I have to deal with her," Mulder whined.
Scully jumped up, knocking over her chair in the process. "WHAT?!" she shrieked. "You don't DEAL with me! I PUT UP WITH YOU AND YOUR DAMN OFFSPRING!"
"We¹re yours too, bright one," Dani said.
"You be quiet, you're a bastard child!" Scully cried, pointing.
Dani ran out crying as Sarah and Maggie fell off their chairs, screaming in laughter.
Ari sat there, quiet and very still. "Who's Bill?"
Sarah stopped laughing and started ranting. "HE'S OUR MOTHERS BITCH BROTHER!"
Maggie laughed even harder and started to hiccup.
"Yeah, he is a bitch!" Mulder cried. "He called me a sorry son of a bitch!"
"But you are the son of a bitch," Scully retorted.
"Your mother always makes cabbage whenever we go there, and I specifically tell her that we all have an allergy to it."
"Tell me about it," Maggie mumbled, scratching her neck just remembering the last time she ate it.
"Hey, don't call my mommy a bitch!" Mulder cried, his lower lip trembling.
Scully punched him hard in the stomach and ran out.
Sarah howled.
Maggie was hysterical.
Missy threw peas at Tèa.
Samantha threw peas at her father.
Ari just sat there. Quiet.
"Everyone down here!" Scully barked.
"Me-ow," retorted Tèa, rolling her eyes as they all decended down the stairs.
"Hah!" cried Maggie.
Sarah ooh-ohh-ed for a while before Dani kicked her in the calf, really hard.
"Dammit, bitch head!" Sarah yelled. "Keep your frigging feet to yourself!"
"SARAH KATHERINE!" screamed their mother from downstairs.
"Sarah Assrine!" cried Samantha.
"SARAH!" screamed Scully, stomping her foot hard. "Damn you!"
"Good Toaster, calm down woman!" Mulder yelled.
"DON'T CALL ME WOMAN YOU SLY FOX!" screamed Scully.
They heard the sound of fist and skin connecting and their father groaning in pain.
Maggie laughed so hard she did a swan dive and fell down four steps before Dani caught her.
"I can't believe she made us dress up," Tèa whined.
"She's made us do much worse," Dani assured her. "This is nothing."
"I beg to differ," Sarah retorted.
Dani was wearing a long black dress with a tiny red shirt tied over the top. Maggie had tried to talk her into wearing a shirt that said "SLUT", but Dani¹s moral standards got in the way. Her hair had been put into a half bun with a pin stabbed through it, in such a way that if you pull one, it looked like it would explode.
Tèa wore a blue skirt to her knees, and a fringed shirt with a coyboy hat. She kept saying, "Yee haw," in response to everything and talked with a Southern drawl.
Ari wore a banana yellow dress that Dani claimed was totally unflattering. Her hair, she had attempted to slightly curl, but it backfired and poofed out, and was now pulled back with a tacky plastic headband.
Maggie wore a black skirt halfway down her thighs over purple and black striped stockings. Her clunky Doc Martens adorned her feet. She wore a velvet tank top that reached halfway down the skirt which was maroon and black and looked extremely scary. A schmatta adorned her head, and her face was covered in glitter.
Sarah was the worst of all. She wanted to wear a long black formal dress with black stones on the top but mommy said that it was too fancy so for revenge she was wearing her Queen Amidala costume. Not the one she had worn for the movie, but another one... a better one... a more comfortable one. A very large maroon elvet cape with gold bands anound the sleeves and the waist. She had matching pants on, slightly flared at the bottom and her hair was tied into a tight ponytail folded underneath itself. She had done her make-up so she looked almost exactly like the Queen and she even had a water gun like the blaster the queen used in the movie.
Scully saw them and sighed. "I said dress up, not dress like freaks."
"You are what you eat," Maggie said wisely.
Everyone frowned and stared at her. She shrugged. "They served us Chaco Chicken at Brynnsbeth for years," she said.
Sarah selims-ed. "Oh yeah," she said. "I almost forgot...mmm mmm good!"
Scully's eyes filled with tears. "Oh my God," she mumbled, covering her mouth and dashing for the nearest bathroom. Sarah giggled.
The doorbell rang.
"God dammit," Mulder groaned. "He's here. Quick, grab the family gun!"
Everyone stood on the steps and blankly stared.
Mulder sighed and reluctantly opened the front door. In stepped Bill. Sarah trembled and sank to the ground. Maggie dashed off in the general direction in which her mother had run and ended up smacking right into Scully's stomach, flying back and hitting a wall. Scully shrieked in surprise and Dani laughed hysterically.
"Where¹s the family, Billy-Boy?" Tèa asked.
"Who the hell are you?" growled Bill.
"I'm your niece, dipshit."
"Tèa!" Mulder cried. "Don't be so nice to your uncle!"
"Shut up you sorry son of a bitch," Bill shouted.
Sarah smiled sweetly and stood. "Isn't it dangerous to use ones entire vocabulary in a single sentence?"
"Why you little..."
"Let's eat," Scully cut in, rubbing her stomach as she helped Maggie to her feet. Everyone reluctantly went into the dining room, the one they rarely used. Scully said it was too fancy for the likes of them, so they usually ate in the basement or outside. Now there were candles burning everywhere, and the table was set.
Sarah frowned. "Who knows how to set a table?" she asked as Maggie ran to one of the candles and practically drooled as she ran her index finger through the flames a few times before Mulder thwacked her and told her to sit down.
Scully had prepared a delicious meal of take-out from the local Uncle Bud's. Bill, of course, was told that they all slaved away for hours in the kitchen.
Missy and Sammie had both decided that they were too mature for high chairs, so Mulder piled phone books on chairs for them. Both sat on their knees on top of the books, and occasionally, one would start to topple over before someone grabbed them and pushed them upright.
Ari watched everything quietly as she served herself a lobster and some mashed potatoes.
Dani taught Tèa the rules of Mulder table etiquette, which meant racing for the nearest bowl of food before it's all gone and not complaining about food quality...or else. She told her about the potato rule, how she needed to leave at least two servings at all times, and she was also under strict instruction not to drink the last of any beverage besides milk or water.
Sarah snuck one of the mashed potato bowls over to her and held it on her lap. She and Maggie eagerly devoured the entire bowl before Sarah made a small, maniacal laugh-like noise under her breath and set the bowl on the floor under her chair. She snatched a lobster from the bowl and remembered the rules of lobster dissection which Maggtie had taught her at Brynnsbeth when they were eleven. Maggie turned to Bill and smiled sweetly.
"So, dear darling Uncle Bill, what kind of work do you do again?"
"Navy," he said, stuffing a hunk o' lobster into his mouth.
"Ohhh," Maggie said, nodding her head before slamming her fists down on the table so hard, the dishes rattled. "TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND NOBODY GETS HURT!"
"Maggie!" cried Mulder. "I've questioned him a thousand times, he¹s too stupid to know anything!"
"Maggie, be polite! Muld-errrrrrr!" Scully wailed. "Why do you always do this?"
"Do what?" Mulder cried.
Scully broke down and started to cry onto her plate. Missy giggled and ate some peas. Samantha looked at her mother, concerned and offered her a hunk of banana. Mulder cocked the gun in his sock.
"Now look what you¹ve done you sorry son of a bitch!" Bill cried. "You made my sister cry! I hate you! I'm taking her home!"
"She is home, dumbass," Dani retorted, standing up on her chair.
"Who the hell are you?" Bill asked, jumping to his feet.
Mulder jumped up and pushed him down. "This is my dinner table, and I say all those hated stay seated!"
"Dani, you heard the man, sit," Maggie said.
Dani sat reluctantly.
"No!" Scully cried. "Ari, Dani, Tèa, Sarah, Maggie, OUT!"
"Gnarly!" Sarah said.
"I wanna dissect my lobster though!" Maggie whined.
"Out!" Scully demanded.
"What about the babies?" Dani whined. "Why do they get to stay?"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO!" hollered Scully. "NOW GET THE HELL OUT!"
Maggie picked up her lobster and flounced out, smacking Bill with it as she walked by. Sarah grabbed a bowl of potatoes and ran after her twin. Dani looked around, and for lack of better things to take, she tipped over her drink. Tèa smiled sweetly and took everyone's knife. Ari stood up and camly walked away. Mulder stuck out his foot when she walked by, and she tripped and smashed into Tèa. Mulder cracked up, and Scully thwacked him.
As all five girls trouped down to the basement, a cold wind swirled around them. "Cooooool!" Maggie yelled.
"COLD!" she then shrieked, shivering madly.
"Would you light my candle?" Sarah sang.
"Yes," Maggie said, her teeth chattering, her lips blue. "Toaster, what's going on?"
Dani, out of boredom, sang, "This land is your land, this land is my land, from Niophita, to..."
"Man!" cried Ari. "This is the land of the free!"
Everyone turned and stared at her. "Ari, what the...crackhead!" Tèa cried.
She grabbed Tèa around the throat. "Man, I own you," she hissed.
"YOU KILLED MY SISTER!" Dani shrieked, pulling out her fake rifle and attempting to kill Ari.
Ari dropped Tèa, who fell to the ground, gasping for Ari. "I'll get you, Mulders," she hissed, then quick as a flash, ran upstairs.
"Barnett," whispered Sarah.
Maggie gasped. "Oh Toaster! You're right!"
"Duh," Sarah said with a smile.
Dani frowned. Sarah quickly explained about Barnett to her, and a few minutes later, they heard the tortured scream of their father from upstairs.
"DADDY!" screamed Maggie, racing up the stairs.
"DAH-DEEEEE!" wailed Sarah, following her.
Then they heard their mother scream. "MOMMALEE!" shrieked Maggie, now terrified.
"DANA!" yelled Sarah.
Tèa and Dani sat on the stairs and smiled.
Maggie and Sarah burst into the dining room. Their father was cowering in the corner, staring at one wall of the room which said "FOX CAN'T GUARD THE CHICKEN COOP" in big, blood red letters. Scully was curled up on his lap, her face hidden, because on another wall, in big letters, it said "THERE'S NOWHERE TO HIDE, GIRLY-GIRL". They heard the stifled sobs of their mother, and the terrified breathing of their father, and there sat Bill, calmly picking apart his lobster, still not noticing that anything had happened.
Sarah and Maggie ran to their parents. Sarah and Maggie each took one of their mothers arms and pulled her away from their father. "Are you okay?" Maggie shrieked, shaking her mother violently.
Sarah went over to her father and slapped him. "Dad, snap out of it!" she yelled. "Are you okay?"
He looked at Sarah like he was coming out of a coma. "Girl," he said, feeling her face. "Daughter...Sarah?"
"Yeah," Sarah said, slowly, unsurely. "Dad, what just happened here?"
"MOM!" Maggie yelled. "ARE...YOU...OKAY?"
Scully¹s lower lip trembled. "I'm fine, Margaret," she said, then broke down, sobbing on her daughters shoulder. Maggie simply shrugged and patted her mothers back.
"It was Barnett," whispered Mulder. "I saw him run in here and paint the walls...Sarah...Sarah, you've got to get everyone out of the house."
"Dad, it's okay," she lied. "We're playing a game. Ari just took it a little too far. Missy and Sammie, you wanna play the game?"
"Game!" Missy cried, dumping her bowl of mashed potatoes over her head.
"Play!" shrieked Samantha, smashing her palms into her plate, so peas mushed and splattered everywhere.
Maggie slipped out of her mothers embrace. Scully fell back into Mulder and started crying again. "It's okay Mommalee, you heard Sarah, it's just a game," she reminded her, as she picked Samantha up.
Sarah snatched up Missy, and they ran out of the room and set the girls down.
"Where the game?" Samantha asked, spreading her pea-covered hands.
"We lied."
"Liars go Rotissary," Missy reminded her.
"I know, but we're already headed for there, so another lie won't do much," Sarah said. "Now come on, it's time to go find Ari."
Mulder burst out of the dining room, holding onto Scully's hand and draggin gher behind him. His face was contorted in rage. "WHERE IS THAT SON OF A BITCH?!" he screamed.
"Right here," Bill called.
"Not you, stupid!" Maggie yelled.
"Maggie, stop!" sobbed Scully.
"Maggie buttmuch, stop!" Samantha said.
Mulder pulled his gun out of his sock. "Mulder, NO!" screeched Scully. "Put it away! You might accidently shoot one of the kids!"
"A Mulder's gotta do what a Mulder's gotta do," he said, an evil light in his eyes.
He broke free of Scully's grasp and slowly ascended the stairs. "Cool," Sarah whispered.
Mulder peeked around in everyone's bedroom then came back down. "I didn't find Barnett, but Maggie, you have some kind of weird green goo in an erlenmeyer flask on your desk."
"I know, Daddy," she said, batting her eyes. "Science project."
He frowned. "In the summer?"
She smiled sweetly and shrugged her shoulders. Sarah stifled a snort.
Sarah suddenly jumped up, her eyes sparkling. "Maggs! Conference!" she cried. The two ran upstairs.
Scully sighed and sat in the middle of the floor. Missy and Samantha climbed onto what was left of her lap, giggling manically. Samantha yanked on one of her earring. "Mumma!" she cried happily. "Play game!"
"No," Scully said sharply as Bill came out of the dining room. "What the blankety blank bleep is going on here?"
"I don't know," Scully said, then raised her eyes to the second floor to see Ari staring down, demonically, hissing.
"ARI!" screamed Scully. "OH MY GOD! SHE'S POSSESSED! MULDERRRRR!"
She heard a shot fired and screamed again, jumping to her feet. "NO MULDER, DON¹T!"
They all looked up and saw Ari jump over the banister. Scully shrieked as Ari grabbed hold of the chandelier, swinging gently, her face contorted and evil. "ARI IS DEAD!" she screamed. "HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!"
"AND HEEEEEEEERE'S FOXY!" screamed Mulder.
"NOOO!" Scully shrieked, grabbing the sides of her hair and squeezing her eyes shut as she heard another shot fired. She opened them in time to see the massive chandelier falling towards her, swiftly. She gasped and yanked the babies out of the way quickly as the chandelier fell. She heard Bill holler in pain and then she heard the shrieks of John Barnett.
Scully ran to the chandelier, and pulled Ari's body from beneath the mess. "Ari?" she asked tearfully, her voice wavering.
Then she saw her brother, also pinned beneath the debris. He wasn't moving or breathing. "MULDER!" shrieked Scully. "MULDER!"
"I didn't do it!" he hollered, rushing down the steps. Ari pulled out a gun and shot at me, but the force threw her back and her added weight made the chandelier fall! I'd never kill her, you've got to believe me! There's a bullet now lodged in Sarah and Maggie's bedroom door.
"SCORE!" Sarah screamed from upstairs.
Scully started to cry, yet again, realizing that Ari was dead.
She looked over at her brother and smiled a half smile before breaking down into hysterics again. Dani looked shocked, and when Maggie and Sarah came down, they both paled and comforted their mother.
Dani, still shaken, looked at the little blue notebook she held in her hands. "I didn't write this," she whispered, frozen in fear. "Tonight Ari was supposed to get her leg caught in a door for an hour...everything else went according to plan..."
The Mulder stood huddled around a freshly dug grave. The headstone read
Arielle Krycek Mulder
March 3, 1982 - August 3, 1999
Now is the end, let her go in peace
The truth is out there.
Mulder looked sorrowful.
Scully cried.
Dani looked scared.
Tèa looked upset.
Maggie looked pale.
Sarah was in pink mourning clothes.
Samantha was crying.
Missy was eating a banana in honor of Ari.
Somewhere in the bushes, a rat hissed.
El Fin...
