Mulder piled half of his family into his blue, government issued car. Sarah sat up front. In the backseat, Dani sat next to Hydro, who was in his car seat, and Missy sat on the other side. In Scully’s red government issued car, Maggie sat up front, while Tea, Sam and Charlie shared the back. Mulder and Scully had jointly decided to split up all pairs of twins to avoid any horrific highway mishaps.
“Off to Brynnsbeth we go!” shouted Sarah as Mulder backed his car out of the driveway. She turned around. “Hey Dani, it’s just like the good old days! Well, except it’s only half of us and we’re not looking for Ratboy.”
“Yeah,” Dani said nostalgically. “Hey Dad, whatever happened to Ratboy?”
“Oh. He cleaned himself up and got a job as a janitor at a local high school. Comes to visit from time to time. He’s teaching Charlie how to flag down a UFO. That Charlie…he’s one smart kid.”
“Smart like, in general, or smart for one of us?” Sarah asked.
“I think you know the answer to that,” Mulder said. Sarah nodded confidently.
(<>..<>)
“Mom, I swear, it’s exit 15,” Sam insisted from the back.
Maggie whipped around. “Jesus Sam, I lived in that asylum for years, I think I would know. It’s exit 16.”
Charlie put on his headphones and closed his eyes. Here we go!, he thought.
“Yeah, you lived in an asylum, Maggie. That’s exactly why Mom should listen to me, and NOT you!”
“You know I wasn’t in there because of my insanity! The government put me there because I could expose them for the psycho-creating monsters they really are!”
“Yeah, but just because you weren’t in there for being insane doesn’t mean that you aren’t crazy! You say it yourself all the time!”
“Samantha, it’s exit 16, I’m telling you!”
“Maybe Maggie is right,” Tea said hesitantly.
“What do you know, Southerner?” Sam shot.
“Hey!” Maggie cried. “Don’t be mean to the hick! It’s not her fault!”
Tea’s jaw dropped. “Maggie?” she drawled. “You mean you aren’t going to hold my accent against me anymore?”
“No, and this is why. I’ve realized that you are a stupid hick and everything, but it isn’t your fault. Just like it’s not my fault I’ve got extra chromosomes.”
Tears came to Tea’s eyes. “Thank you!” she cried.
“Plus, I can’t be racist anymore. I have to set a good example for my children.”
“Maggie!” Scully cried. “Where are your kids!?”
“Oh, they were pissing me off. I left them with Roger.”
“I can’t believe you live with him just because his name is Roger Davis,” Tea remarked.
Maggie glared at her. “You can’t?”
“Oh, right,” Tea said. “You’re Maggie.”
“MOM!” Maggie screamed. “TURN HERE, TURN HERE!”
Scully quickly cut across five lanes and nearly caused a pileup, but at least she made it onto the exit ramp. “This isn’t right!” Sam yelled.
Charlie turned up his headphones and rolled his eyes.
(<>..<>)
“I just can’t believe it,” Sarah said sadly. “You ran over a chicken.”
Mulder looked down, ashamed.
The family was gathered around the rather large and rather dead bird that lay in the middle of the road. “Why did the chicken have to cross the road?” Missy asked tearfully. “The poor baby!”
Hydro started to babble in Dani’s arms, and suddenly, the dead chicken flew about ten feet in the air. “Hydro, NO!” Dani shrieked. “Stop it right now!”
Hydro continued to babble, and suddenly, the chicken flew into oncoming traffic. It slammed into a car’s windshield. The Mulders on the side of the road, including Mulder himself, screamed very girly and very high-pitched screams as the defenseless car careened off the road and slammed into a tree.
For several minutes after the fatal crash, the Mulders kept on screaming. Finally, Sarah pulled out her $4,000 flashlight and flicked it on. “It’s broad daylight, Sar,” Dani reminded her.
“So?” Sarah asked sharply. She crept over to the car and shined her light inside to see who the unlucky dead man was. She burst into laughter. “Dad, come here! Get a load of this!”
Mulder hurried open and peered in the open window. He laughed hysterically. “Man! I wish your mother could be here to see this!”
Dani and Missy came over to have a look. “Who is it?” Missy asked, furrowing her brows.
“My real father, Krycek,” Dani answered. She shook her head sadly. “I can’t believe he’s dead again. This is like, the fifth or sixth time he’s been killed.” She turned to her baby. “Good job, sweetie!” she cried, kissing his cheek. “You killed Grandpa!”
Mulder sighed. “Alright ladies, enough. Back in the car. We’ve got to meet everyone over at Brynnsbeth in less than an hour.”
So back in the car they got. And over to Brynnsbeth they drove. Uneventfully.
