Mission: Implausible

Mission: Implausible
by Krystyn Poe

Mission: Implausible Part One: The Predictable Plot Setup

There once was a guy named Seifer who lived in a castle by the sea...sort of. You see, it wasn't really a castle, but he liked to pretend it was. It was actually just a cardboard cut out of a castle in front of a nice suburban looking one-story ranch style house. And, come to think of it, it was by an itty bitty stream of running water that he liked to call a river, but instead he told everyone was that it was the sea. Everyone knew this, but they never told him because they knew he liked to think he lived in a castle.

Ever since he was young, Seifer had wanted to be able to do really cool things, and since he was bored a lot, he actually learned how to do some pretty nifty stuff. Sure, maybe it took a while to get up to the point where he could juggle flaming torches and knives while riding on a unicycle and programming his computer at the same time, but how many people actually took the time to learn how to do it in the first place? Even as a child he was ambitious, starting to learn how to juggle with flaming sticks instead of just dinky little balls like normal people (sure, his mom wasn't exactly happy about the medical bills at first, but they got better over time too). And since he didn't have a chair in the room with his computer, he found an old rusty unicycle and used that instead. Before long he could not only juggle knives and torches while on the computer and the unicycle, but he could also balance ladders on his chin while explaining the theories of quantum physics to third graders, win a sword battle against the knights he claimed lived in his backyard, and bowl a 180 with his left hand (he was right handed) without even batting an eye. Sure, some people think these things are just rumors, but if they ever had the privilege of getting to know Seifer they'd know better. And then there are some people who just think he had way too much free time as a kid...and those people would be right. He did have too much free time, although this proved to be an asset to him in the future...and Dani, as fate would have it.

You see, one day Seifer was sitting in his room without much to do. His latest cross-country escapade had been completed, the email for the Seifer Peroxide Fan Club was finished and sent out, and he didn't have any more questions to answer for his part of the Mobius Strip. Smiling to himself, he realized this was the perfect time to dig his muse out of the typewriter and create another interesting little story...

...So naturally it was about this time that either:
........a. The phone rang
........b. The computer chirped "You have mail"
........c. Someone rang the doorbell
........d. The house burned down

Eenie meenie miney moe...ummmm...yeah, the phone rang. Seifer waited until the third ring to pick it up, hoping that he wouldn't have to. He had a strange mild phobia of phones because half the time they weren't for him and the other half they seemed to have bad news on the other end. This time wasn't an exception...I don't think...

"Seifer? Is that you?" The frantic voice on the other end asked him

"Dani? Yes, this is Seifer." Seifer said, a little confused

"Oh good, I'm so glad I finally got ahold of you. We've got an emergency up here, and it's all my fault. We really need your help." Dani cried, relieved

"Well, sure, I'll do what I can, but what exactly is your problem?"

"It all started when..."

*enter flashback here*

A girly scream sounded through the house...a girly scream that everyone knew had to be Mulder's.

"Mulder, what are you doing! You're going to wake the baby!" Scully exclaimed

"Sc-sc-scully, there's a mouse in this house! I saw it run through that hole over there across the floor and into the other room!"

"Oh Mulder, grow up! It's just a little mouse." Scully said before walking off to check on Charlie again. Mulder sighed and went off after her to check on Missy and Samantha, leaving two girls staring at each other from their hiding place on the stairwell.

"Did you hear that, Maggs? There's a mouse in the house!"

Maggie frowned. "I thought it was a doll in the wall and a pickle for a nickel..."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Never mind, we've got a mouse to catch!"

Sarah tied the string off in satisfaction. "That should do it." she said

Maggie looked around the room in awe. The room was covered wall-to-wall with gadgets and gizmos, pieces of wood and chicken wire haphazardly stuck together with a strange combination of Elmer's glue, staples, and scotch tape. Of course, all of this mess really just resulted in a simple little mechanism. When the mouse entered the salt circle surrounding a can of cheese whiz (the Mulders didn't have anything else remotely cheese like in the house), Sarah would push down the lever of the Toaster. This would cause a piece of toast to jump high up into the air and into Maggie's hand. Maggie would then eat the toast while pulling on a little string that was tied to Stinky's neck. This would wake Stinky up and send him honking around in confusion, eventually breaking free of Maggie's grip, causing the whole wood and chicken wire mess to fall down, and end up catching the mouse in his beak.

Or at least that's what was supposed to happen...in all actuality, the mouse, who was quite a friendly fellow, was chatting with dear sweet little Ella the duck when he wandered into the room. Ella became fascinated by the can of cheese whiz and immediately tried to eat it, causing Sarah to push down the lever on the Toaster...and that caused the chain reaction that led to a crash, boom, a couple of concussions, one KOed mouse, and one very angry goose.

Miraculously recovering from their concussions, Maggie and Sarah grabbed the mouse, ran upstairs, and knocked on Dani's door. Dani opened it to find the twins holding out a large white mouse to her. She looked up at them skeptically.

"What do you want me to do to it?" She asked, wondering where they'd found the poor thing in the first place.

"Whatever you want!" Sarah squeaked

Dani's eyes gleamed as she reached out to take it, but Maggie pulled it back. "Uh uh uh! First you need to pay us our royalties!"

"Royalties?"

"Umm...yeah, royalties."

"For what?"

"The mouse." Sarah squeaked again

Dani rolled here eyes, not even bothering to correct the twins. Instead, she handed them 21 cents each before shutting the door and going to her little pentagram on the floor to have some magical fun.

"Whoa, wait a second, Sarah and Maggie let you have a mouse to play with?" Seifer interrupted, making sure he had heard straight.

"Well...yeah..." Dani responded

"Oy vey, what is the world going to do with those two? Well, what did you do to it?"

"I...um...well, I kinda ended up casting a curse on it." Dani said sheepishly

"What kind of curse exactly?"

"The kind that turns it into a vicious psycho killer that's bent on destroying the mimes of the world one word at a time."

"Well, what's wrong with that?"

"Um, it also has a rather large appetite for bowling balls."

"I see...well, what do you expect me to do about it?"

"There is a way to stop it, but it requires the Sacred Golden Finger Ring of the Old Nameless Insane Asylum."

"And you want me to get it?"

"Naturally! And you know you have to accept, because if you don't there won't be any story."

"Well, who said I wanted a story?"

"Hey, you're the one who told me to write this, and unless you'd prefer it if I suddenly caused a mudslide that wrecked your wardrobe and only allowed you to go around dressed in a barrel and a tutu..."

"Alright, alright, I get the point, I'll do it! Where do I start?"

"Well, a guy in a white bunny suit should be delivering a singing telegram with the approximate coordinates of the area the asylum should be in. Oh, and he'll give you a cell phone so I can keep calling and annoying you with little things I forgot to warn you about while you're in the middle of a life-threatening situation."

"Great. A singing telegram, a witch who's going to "conveniently" forget to tell me things I need to know, and a giant bowling ball eating mutant mouse. However did I get so lucky?" Seifer said sardonically.

He could almost see Dani shrugging on her end of the line. "Don't ask me, I'm just the freak with the square glasses in D.C."

There was a knock on the door. "That'll be the telegram. Call me if you make any progress." The disconnection click was muffled by the growing impatience of the guy in the white bunny suit with the singing telegram. Wondering how he managed to get himself into this mess, Seifer opened the door and allowed the big white bunny to come into his humble abode.

The bunny cleared his throat and began to sing (to the tune of "Basketcase" by Green Day):

About an hour into his wanderings, Seifer found himself at an intersection. To the right was a sign claiming that if he followed that road he would find eternal bliss in the Land of No Sharp Objects, to the left was a sign indicating that if he followed that road he would find himself on the stairway to heaven so he could interview God, and directly in front of him was a sign that said if he walked more than two steps forward he would be gobbled up by the evil troll that was sent by the cursed mouse to eat him. Naturally, Seifer took two steps forward, and of course, the sign was wrong. A troll didn't pop out of nowhere and eat him; a hole opened up beneath his feet and he fell a really long way down into a dark chasm.

Could this be the end of Seifer Peroxide, hero-extrordinaire? Will we ever find out just what's at the bottom of that chasm? Why is the Golden Finger Ring so important anyway? And do we even want to know what was going through Maggie and Sarah's head when they gave Dani that darn mouse? Stay tuned for part two of Mission: Implausible!