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CANDID PHOTOGRAPHYGreetings to Patrons of Profanity! |
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The CTEB was a den of debauchery, sordidity, and iniquity! Gaze upon these Visual Nasties and dispair! | |
| BUREAUSCAPE! (1989) | Note: 'The millinery position'. This excellent piece of headwear was perfect for locating my dear olde colleague, it usually being atop a computer monitor. However, on this day, and not being sat at his usual 'turret'(desk), his hat has been sadly relegated to the desktop. This Turret, 'No. 30', had a phone 'box' which was badly damaged due to the amount of coffee and cigar ash, that its usual proprietor would spill during his shift. (Do you like that one luv?) |
| AUTHORS DESK (1992) | On this day in 1992, I was at desk 'No.19' in permanent 'Busied out' mode, of course. My set-up would contain everything one needed to combat any form of killer rail enquiry, especially the never empty tea-mug, thanks to the constant visits from the trolley. Taking centre stage here is the 'Engineering Notice', that purveyor of awful news for our weekend rail travellers. Belated apologies, folks. Front of that, perched on the timetable, sits my old authentic ex-bomber command WW2 headset. Tally-ho! Chocks Away! |
| NOTORIOUS BACKROW (1989) | Every box on a 'Sandwell'. Yes folks, by a peculiar combination of switches, one could arrange a satisfying 'Sandwell' for your box, so that one could really enjoy the sedation of the beloved Backrow. Note the pitiful sight of our darling dead 'C.A.T.E.' computers, silenced and cold for years thru pathetisisms of rail politics. Still, theres nothing like a stack of heavyweight Timetables & Fares Manuals to get stuck into a jolly good Rail Enquiry. On this shift in 1989, my rail enquiry tools can be seen enjoying a stint on Turret No.6, usually reserved for payslip & railcard leaflet sorting (How arrr you?) |
| INCIDENT BOARDS (1990) | This architectural wonder consisted of
three mammoth scrollable boards which,
with the strategic application of felt pen scribble, would signify
cancellations/incidents/delays
received via the hi-tech telex machines below. These problems I would then
relay to my anxious public. A quick glance here showed the
general level of rail chaos, it being
proportionate to the amount of scribblings.
The three Boards are for the old sectors
of BR Southern Region, this being the original operations area of the Bureau.
Scribblings like: |
| DESK 47 (1992) | As you can see, on this day way back in 1992, my set-up took position on the second row, that superb desk no.47. I could see the messroom from there! Note that a fresh cup of tea on the desk awaits me, plus two Gypsy Creams! (cos three would be greedy) This position also afforded spectacular views of the Supervisory Podium, supervisors head obscured by well thumbed edition of the 'Sunday Sport' broadsheet. |
| MESSROOM DECOR (1997) | This Kitchenette was the nerve center of Train Enquiry Tea-making,
tea being the major energy and motivational source for
the pressurized bureau. A mound of lowest
grade teabags were the life force essential to maintain our survival, and it
was at this very spot where maybe the production of a
zillion cuppas took place. Otherwise,
here you would find people devouring their lunch in the alloted 20 minutes.
Not a pretty sight. By the way... wheres Nosher??? |
| SMURF's CALENDAR (1997) | Most days, at the stroke of midnight, whilst London Town was asleep,
important tasks were at hand, because, deep within the bowels of Waterloo
Station, my most dutiful superior colleague would be
advancing the office calendar on the coming of a new day.
This ornate piece of radiant railway furniture is seen
here sadly depicting the final working date of the bureau. Our friend's acts of
advancements were for the benefit of all. We will remember him. |
| CTEB ENTRANCE (2000) | If one were to venture down into the darkness below Waterloo, one would hit upon the mysterious colonnade, and Buster Edwards' luscious flower stall. Hidden there, away from life and light itself, the Lower Road, that gloomy, damp, and horrific underpass that wound through the hidden subterranean railway world of the undead. And if you crept deeper and deeper into the unknown and uncharted trail of dispair, you might have chanced upon an enchanting white door. This was the CTEB's grand entrance. If you could make it this far, past the gauntlet of alcoholics, you would enter the surreal hell of Rail Enquiries. It might not look like much from the outside. Thats cos it aint. Abandon hope all ye who enter here! |
| ROSTER ROOM (1997) | A rotten tale of moronic managerial manoeuvres was how the crucial
position of Roster Clerk was undermined, devalued and discredited by
a succession of jealous
meglomanagers. The priceless talent of the Roster Person's ability to
cook the books
allowing the delicate balance of Staff and Staffing requirements to
equally benefit all, was a talent of statistics,
memory and mediation of the highest order.
That forgotten hero once residing proudly next
to the boss was shunted mercilessly
into the broom cupboard, and ended their days as a doormat for harassment.
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| CALL CENTRE (1997) | This family album
shows a gallery of grotesque gore from
the grave. It was the dawn of the evil empire of rail privatisation, when our
erstwhile Bureau suffered a $million$ dollar refit, just two years before it
would be closed down forever. Smart move. Only worse
was its subdivision into groups of
competitive cut-throat clusters, their faithfull compliment
fooled into a devide&rule frenzy under the smokescreen of 'teamwork'.
Check out this miserable montage, you can actually catch a whiff of the
foul smelling gut-wrenching gaseous Gulag. |
| CTEB PATIO (2002) | Our office was blessed with its own secret garden, a seductive arbour where, amongst the discarded dog ends, one could refresh oneself with real air and light, a far cry from the polluted sick interiors. If luck was really upon us, we would be able to share a cup of Tea & honey with the good Commander, usually to be found there standing at attention in his own custom built BR sentry box. Simply marvellous. The CTEB patio was our very own plot of land, priceless real estate right in the heart of London Town, with astounding views, and occasional gospel musical accompaniment. |
| TEA TROLLEY (1997) | Spotted here doing the rounds amongst various anonymous CTEB
celebrities, our celebrated Tea trolley is battling bravely through the
quagmire of clerical clutter,
serving all with their much needed triple dosage caffeine quota. |
| CATE INTERFACE (1997) | Depending on your interpretations of its results, CATE was an interesting solution to the mind boggling multiplexatorizations of Train Travel Enquiries. Not one of the most attractive designs, a visual nightmare even more boring than Teletext. We were forced to stare at this shameful display for unlimited hours, and I think it's still imprinted on my retina. |
| GHOST (1990) | As a footnote, I must end the proceedings with the tale of the ghostly headwaiter that still, even now, groans his way around the former British Rail Bureau in his dickie and Dinner Jacket. With his classic delivery and approachable mannerisms, he's always on line to serve the drinks. Seen here, outside the locker room (later the smoking room) before dissapearing in a frightening plume of burnt ochre. Reminds me of another tale of Ghouls and Ghosts, where I was caught by the Ghosties, and he was caught by surprise. |
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