THE LAUGHING PLACE
Here you will find humor, jokes, laughter......to seemingly lighten the burdens which we all must bare. A good laugh seems to clear the soul. Enjoy!
GOD, I've Been Good.
So far today, Lord, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, over-indulgent, or told anyone to mind their own business and stay out of mine. I'm doing really well, you see. But I'm going to need Your help, Lord, because in a few minutes I am going to get out of bed...
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I know GOD exists because I can't get away with anything!
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But I Don't Want To Go To School!
Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
"One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the
school."
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A Boy and The Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
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Kids Say the Funniest Things
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set
foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then
forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our
silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until
it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply
religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
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DON'T GO MESSING WITH OUR LANGUAGE!
Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c."
Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a determent to akkurate spelling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is disgrakeful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all ozer kombinations of letters.
After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style. Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it easy to komunikat viz each ozer.
Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.
Ze dream vill finally kome true.
Author unknown
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PRETTY GOOD
There once was a pretty good student, who sat in a pretty good class.
And was taught by a pretty good teacher, who always let pretty good pass.
He wasn't terrific at reading. He wasn't a whiz-bang at math,
But for him education was leading straight down a pretty good path.
He didn't find school too exciting, but he wanted to do pretty well,
And he did have some trouble with writing, and nobody had taught him to spell.
When doing arithmetic problems, pretty good was regarded as fine.
Five plus 5 needn't always add up to be 10, a pretty good answer was 9.
The pretty good class that he sat in, was part of a pretty good school.
And the student was not an exception, on the contrary, he was the rule.
The pretty good school that he went to, was there in a pretty good town.
And nobody there seemed to notice, he could not tell a verb from a noun.
The pretty good student in fact was part of a pretty good mob.
And the first time he knew what he lacked was when he looked for a pretty good job.
It was then, when he sought a position, he discovered that life could be tough.
And he soon had a sneaky suspicion pretty good might not be good enough.
The pretty good town in our story was part of a pretty good state
Which had pretty good aspirations, and prayed for a pretty good fate.
There once was a pretty good nation, pretty proud of the greatness it had,
Which learned much too late, if you want to be great,
Pretty good is, in fact, pretty bad.
By Charles Osgood, ©1986, CBS, Inc.
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The Bible According to Kids
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected.
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
- He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
- He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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- What do you call an onion with whiplash?
----A tear jerker.
- Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
----He was Haydn.
- What would you get if Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader?
----Ella Vader
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