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Today I was finally able to make my first legal alcohol purchase. I decided to pick up a couple of bottles of wine for tomorrow night, and introduced JJ to some Strawberry/Banana wine coolers. He has been with me all day today, and the only reason he parted from me was because he has to work tonight. He wants me over at his house later on if his parents are not going to be home. (ponders what he might have in mind). JJ is an awesome person to hang out with. His pet name for me is Bitch and mine for him is Whore. I love sitting there just looking into his sky blue eyes and his thin liped smile. He is so sweat to me even though he likes to tease me a lot. Any ways, I have also been thinking a lot about Rob too. I miss him! Sometimes I think about what things were like when he was around and I wish for it to be like it was. Then I have these weird flashes of reality and realize I am happy where I am now. Then I flutter into my thoughts about the future and wonder what things are going to be like. I have so many paths to take and each one is going to leave me in a completely different world from the next. I keep pondering as to which road to step onto, but I keep hesitating. I think the best thing to do is just see where I am happiest. I have spent so much of my life torturing myself and bowing down to others, is it not time for me to just be happy? Can’t I just find that one person who makes my world wonderful? Can’t I find that one person who makes this fucked up life worth living? Then again, maybe that is just my stupid day dreamer’s personality. I am now growing sleepy, I have been that way a lot lately. I wonder if that means I am going to go through another fucked up depression stage. It might just be because I wore myself out the past couple of weeks. All I can say for now is that it is nice being held and fussed over by another. It feels awesome to lay in the arms of someone whom you relate with, someone with whom you can joke with, and someone with whom accepts you for you. I mean, I am not the hottest chick around, or even a decent looking chick, but I am still someone. It’s wonderful to finally be held in public, and to be able to wonder around without feeling like I am on some mission with a co-worker or something. I have had the feeling that in the past, people were almost ashamed to be seen with me when we were out together. Is being held and gawked over by that ‘someone special’ in public, that hard of a thing to do? I mean I am not talking outrageous PDA’s or anything, but I do like others to know that the person who is standing next to me is into me and with me. I have also just realized within the past couple of day that exactly one year ago today I had sex for the first time. I was drunk and stoned and I sort of dug my brother’s dealer. How fucked up is that? I fucked my brother’s dealer whom is younger than I am. Sometimes I don’t realize just how pathetic I am until time passes. I am fucked up and that is all there is to it. The only thing is, as long as I can accept that, and be ok with that, then everything is fine. I am coming to terms with my actions in my past, but the problem still remains that I hate my physical self and my unstable emotional self. They physical I have worked on my whole life, and perhaps will continue on for the rest of it. The emotional side I have no idea where it comes from, or where it is going from one day to the next. Yet, maybe all of this is why I am still going. The excitement of not knowing what is around the next corner is what keeps me going I suppose. Any ways, enough of this self-improvement/pep-talk/self-help/positive bullshit! All of it makes me ill! Till next time…