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7/20/00 (2:08am)

I have just returned home from Robbie’s place tonight. On the way there I picked him up a 40, and myself a bottle of Whit Zin. I drank less than a fourth of the bottle tonight, but we both smoked up. I came home thinking I was sober, which I pretty much was from the alcohol, but I am still stoned as hell. JJ was suppose to go with me tonight after court, but he wound up staying until after 10:00pm. I had never hear of court sessions after the early evening, not to mention ones that carried on until late at night. I was upset because he wanted to go with me, but I had assumed he had decided to make it a night out with Shannon and Steve or something. When 10:00 rolled around I decided it was time to say fuck it and headed off to Robbie’s place. JJ wound up paging me just after I had left, and by the time I got to a phone I was nearly a quarter of the way there. He sounded so upset that I had left without him. I felt bad because I had promised to intoxicate him tonight. He also sounded down and it seemed as if he could have used some company. I wish he could have been with us, but it was also nice to have a night where Robbie and I could just get fucked up and watch a stupid movie like we use to. Jen got pissed but I am not sure exactly what it was that made her mad. I don’t know if it was the fact that Robbie and I got fucked up, or if it is because we got fucked up without her and didn’t wake her up first. Who knows? Any ways, JJ and I are suppose to spend most of tomorrow together. I really feel like it should be a Paris night. I think sometime this week him and I should go out there together and have some fun. Today he happened to be in Aurora with Steve and Shannon so they decided to stop at my work to say hi to me. Little Jeff told me I should go take my break since I hadn’t had one yet. I smiled at him and told him thank you. We went out front and hung around for a bit. When we came back in Jeff asked me if I just wanted to go home since I had company. We all came back to my place for a bit and hung around until JJ needed to leave for court. I don’t know what is up with me, but I have been having all sorts of strange ideas and feelings about everything and everyone I know. It seems like I know what I want one minute, and the next I want something completely different. I have also been having a lot of strange dreams again. I know I should be putting these in my dream journal, but I have just been either lazy or have a severe lack of ambition lately. Last night kept dreaming that I had fallen asleep in JJ’s arms like I have before, but I kept waking up only to realize it was my pillows I was hugging. I am addicted to his hugs for some reason. In fact I think I am a bit addicted to his presence. At first it bothered me just a bit that I talked to him every day, in fact it kind of freaked me out, but now I am use to it. I think there has been a total of one day that we have not spoken since I gave him my number at he Seraphim show. At least I have someone to keep that icky feeling from decaying me inside lately. In fact my wrist is beginning to heal. I have no idea just how long that will last of course, but for the time being it’s kind of nice to be on an even keel. I hope this lasts. I still yearn for that black void that I am so addicted to, and yet, I am not ready to return to it just yet. Right now I am content with my present state. Even right now while I am semi intoxicated, tired, worn out, longing or the arms of someone who is out of my reach at the moment, my hair faintly smelling of clove cigarettes and shampoo from this morning’s shower, the aftertaste of alcohol in my mouth, and the hole that remains from where my wisdom tooth once was that is aching. I feel tingly all over, and I can’t tell if it’s because I am happy of it is because I have been intoxicated. Whatever the reason is I don’t care at this given moment, I just hope it stays. As for now, the bed calls to me and I promised JJ that I would page him to see if he was still up when I got home. I want to hear his voice, and yet I hope he is asleep resting. His eyes looked so tired today, he needs sleep. Those pale blue eyes seemed weary of the days long casting blaze. His are not the only ones though, mine are about to call it quits for now as well. Time for bed, I think! Sleep, awww yes, blissful sleep! I call to you, and you call to me, and together we shall dance the night away. I embrace my lovely sleep with open arms.