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The wine is down to less than ¼ of 1 glass and yet I am buzzed as if I have had two or three. Perhaps it is because I have not eaten since this morning. It feels nice though; I love to feel this numb, but not the type of numb at has something that lurks behind it; it’s not the type of numb that has that dull sensation that nothing is right or ever will be. Yesterday I almost faltered again, I almost dug out the razors from my drawer. You realize it has been a while since the last time I have done it. The urge just hasn’t been there really, well, until yesterday that is. I am glad that I was on the phone with JJ and headed over to his place immediately afterwards. I know that due to him I have once again fought that urge. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I find my little self-destructive-outlet to be something negative is because other’s tell me it is. I don’t have a problem with it. I mean, everyone I know seems to know about my little blood fetish by now, and most of them are either all right with the idea, they do it themselves, or they have learned to accept that it is all just a part of who I am. Last night was the first time I have ever seen JJ let out his anger. Granted that it has only been a tad over a month since we bumped into one another again, but the truth is, he knows my soul pretty well now. Of course there is still so much to for us to pass over, but none the less we have hurtled over a lot of bullshit. He is so much like me that it frightens me and excites me all at once. I also find him most beautiful. I not only find his physical features to be very smooth and easing on the eyes but I also find his soul to run parallel with mine. My only fear is that I am going to grow very attached to him very quickly and he his going to fuck me over or kill me inside like I have been so many times in the past; or I am going to fall into that same old trap that I always have and come up with excuses as to why I don’t like him, why he isn’t good enough, or why I can’t deal with him. I am so sick of my fickle excuses, and yet I have no clue as to how I can fight them off. I just wish I could just stabilize my thoughts and emotions enough not to fuck up a good thing when I have it.

Last night things got rather intense for me. JJ’s sisters kept harassing him but he could deal with it, at least he could deal with his little sister and her friend. When his older sister arrived at home she started screaming at him for being in her room. He had only been looking for a movie to watch and yet she flipped out on him. (hangs her head thinking, ‘of course I don’t eeevvveerr do that to MY brother’. *grins*) Any ways, she kept nagging him and pissed him off to no end. When he got downstairs he walked over to some boards and punched them hard. It made me jump a little. He walked into his room and sat down. I touched his arm, and then his chest to help calm him down and I could feel his heart beating rapidly. Normally this would kind of make me a bit frightened, but I guess in this instance I understood where he was coming from. I know that JJ would never do anything to hurt me or anyone he cared about, but that somehow, after things just keep building and building, he has to have some way of release. He use to do the same thing as I do. In fact, I saw those tender scars that were beginning to fade on the inner regions of his arm. You could barely see them of course due to the extended amount of time between when the cuts were made and now, but I know that they are not healed, and I doubt they ever will be. I know this sounds egotistical, or self-centered, or whatever the fuck you wish to say about this statement, but I wish that I could make a difference to him. I wish I could make his life just a little easier on him, both by just being there for him, and for him to have someone else to care about that he can relate to. He is a "DrInKeR" such as I am, and of course he took the first lick off of his fresh wound left on his hand. Time passed and the urge drew me closer and closer as I salivated for just a small taste. Eventually he extended his arm out to me and I took a gentle lick out of the open wound he had offered to me. I wish there had been more, but I know that there will most definitely be a time when I will have the chance to drink more, and he will have the chance to drink from me. OOOHH how do I long for him to drink from me. I have never had anyone who could handle anything as such. Now I cannot wait to share it. After his tension eased and his heart slowed down to a slow, steady rhythm once again I couldn’t help but watch his smooth, gentle features as he laid there on the bed beside me. The candle light danced upon his frail features and I could not resist the urge to stare. How calm and serene his features had become since his anger began and then ended; he looked almost dead; he looked almost as if he had finally rested in his inner most peace, even though I know there was still torment inside. I know all of this so well! I feel like I am looking at him and seeing my inner self, and that same reflection outside as the one he gives off to the rest of the world.

Now that I am ¼ of the way finished with my 2nd glass of wine I think I should end my entry. I am finding it hard to move my finger or do anything as a matter of fact. Hmm, hopefully Rob will be online soon, I need to talk to him. It’s time to return to my hurt, I hope JJ calls by 11:00pm, I need someone to talk to! Time to finish my intoxication, and if I must have an outlet, I am sure my blood will be thinned by the alcohol content, I could have quite a feat for the evening, though I desperately wish to save a night for JJ to dine off me.