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I don’t know why I have not written in here for so long. I could say that it has been because I am busy, but I think that would be a lie. I could say that I have been hiding a lot of things that I just cannot reveal in here, and that would be partialy true, but not completely. All I know is that my face is broken out more then it ever has been before, so I have come to the conclusion that it is from stress. My eyes are also irritated and I have been having a constant dull headache that continues to grow stronger as the days pass by. Things are not going well between Rob and I like I had hoped. I just don’t know what to do. On one hand I feel like a total bitch, and on the other hand I don’t know that I should feel this way. I have come to the conclusion that I am just a fucked up person. I mean, I can understand his position, and I would feel horrid if it had happened to me. Then I put myself back into my shoes and I feel a bit less terrible. Then there is my lovely Kitten. He is the sweetest perfection and I know that none of this is fair to him either. All I know is that I have found a good thing and I don’t want to fuck that up. Rob will leave in a month and I am pretty sure I will never hear from him again, and if I do it won’t ever be as it was before. I have also come to the conclusion that if someone loves me, they are going to love ALL of me. Yes, I am not built perfect, and no, I am not even built with a decent figure, in fact, I am rather repulsive in most people’s eyes. Yet, I have still come to realize that if someone loves me, I mean, REALLY loves me they will not "deal" with my body, they will love it the same way that they love the rest of me. I was picking at the imperfections on my face that have been brought on by my stress level when I was at my cousins house. I happened to mention that I should probably stop picking. Rob told me that it would probably be a good idea if I stopped because I didn’t want scars on my face. In all honesty, I felt so horrendously ugly when he said those words to me that I almost burst into tears. I sarcastically said, "what does it matter, I am ugly any ways". He told me that he has always told me I had a pretty face. YEAH, that’s it! A pretty face! That is ALL!!!! My face is the only thing I have to present to this world. At least that is how he made me feel. I felt like my head should be amputated and put in a glass bubble because the rest of me was unsuitable for his taste. For some reason, when JJ and I are together intimately he makes me feel worthy, he makes me feel attractive. When Rob is around I feel like he can look at my face, but whenever he looks at my body he thinks shamefully of me. When we were together he never held me in public. When we walked some place, or even when we just walked around he always had his hands in his pockets or his arms to his sides. When we were shopping together and looking at the same things, he would speak to me but show no affection. Silently this kills me, and maybe I did not notice this before because I never had anyone that was not ashamed to be with me in public, at least until now. When JJ is with me he is very affectionate and makes me feel like the center of attention and I feel as if my world revolves around him, and his around mine.

(oops Rob just came in…gotta go for now!)

Lovely, Kitten…You are in my soul…forever!

And till I see you tomorrow night…

*sends tender kisses*