undefined

I guess Rob is hardly speaking to me. He has not asked me to hang out with him once since he has picked up his rental car. I can’t figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess I don’t mind except for the fact that he is staying here, almost like he is using my parents house for free palce to sleep; He is eating my parents food, being lazy most of the day, hardly speaks to me, and then going out with his friends all night long. Most would say that I deserve that. So what is it I deserve? I deserve to be used for a while because I came to the realization that I was not in love with someone that I thought I was? Am I being punished for falling in love with someone else? I know that since Rob has come to visit I have acted like a spoiled little bitch, but I don’t know how else to react. My whole sense of self is twisted into knots and every time he comes near me I have no idea as to what I should say or how I should react. All I can say is that the concert last night was fun merely because I was trashed the whole time. I wish JJ could have been there with me. Ok, I am sick of Rob, lets move onto something else shall we?

Ok, here is an interesting new piece to my morbid collection of recent events. Lance sends me an IM last night. He was asking for Aaron’s phone number. I didn’t give it to him. It was weird talking to Lance after so long. Sometime I feel bad about how our relationship ended. All I knew was that I needed a way out because I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and he was hurt and acting out in anger. Both of us had no idea how to get over it so lashed out against each other, and the rest is a typical tragedy. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t such a tragedy, since the end result is my relationship with my beloved JJ. On Saturday we will have offically been together for three months. I cannot wait to see him again. I love being with him! I love making love with him! I love everything about him! I don’t know why, but sometimes I get these disturbing thoughts about him though. I have these flashes of him driving home one night from work, or him going out with someone for a little while and something terrible happens to him. I get this dreaded feeling in my stomach that he’s going to be killed in some sort of accident and it just tears me apart. Is it sick that I get these fucked up thoughts that flash through my head? Why is this happening? I had never had anything like this happen to me when I was with anyone else. Also, I wonder what it all means. It scares me to think that the reason I get these thoughts in my head are because something like that is really going to happen. I also wonder if I get these thoughts because, for the first time in my life, I am in love with someone. It’s not a matter of me ‘thinking’ I am in love with someone, it is a matter of my actually ‘being’ in love with someone; and it isn’t just ‘someone’ that I am in love with, it is JJ that I am in love with. I don’t know anymore, all I know is that for once I have just jumped head first into the deep end of the pool, and perhaps that is why things are so scary for me. Yet, even though I find myself terrified once and a while, I am the happiest that I have been in a LONG time!