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I find myself in a desperate inner struggle once again. I was actually quite contented with with life until yesterday. I woke up and found myself being screamed at by my parents for the first half hour I was awake. My mother told me how disrespectful I was, how embarred she was of me, how I was not the daughter she had raised, and what a slut I am. I should be use to hearing these things by now since she tells me the same things over and over again every time she is pissed off at me. While I was getting my early morning lecture she brought up past failures that I have done; she started asking me why I am the way I am. She brought up the fact that I was failing my classes last year, and about cutting my wrists. She asked if we were going to go through all of that again. Little does she know that I have never stopped doing things to myself. When I came home yesterday after school she tried to hug me and tell me that she was sorry and that she loved me. Then she tried asking me if she understood "why" she was upset and saying the things that she had. This time I could not lie. I am sick of sucking it up and going along with her just so her conscience could be appeased while mine is tormented. To told her that I didn’t understand, and that I never would, because I am not her and don’t hold the same types of values in the the same types of things as she does. I told her that I may be forced to do what she wants, but that does not mean I have to agree with her or understand why. I think the idea of that pissed her off even more! Oh well. I did slip again though. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t even force myself to attend my first class yesterday. When I got home I talked to JJ online for a little while, and then got offline. I tried paging him, but he didn’t call me back for a while. When he did he called from a pay phone. He told me that he was half way to town when he got my page. It turns out that he was on his way to vist Brian. I knew he could sense that I was not feeling well, but I didn’t want to upset him and ruin his night while he was on his way out just because I was feeling fucked up in the head; I choked back the tears as well as I could, and tried to steady my voice, but the tears refused to stay dorment. They started flooding out of me, I could tell the damn had broke and there was no stoping it. I let JJ go and started balling when I hung up the phone. I couldn’t hadle it anymore. I had to do it. It has been so long since the last time. It was such a relief. I feel much better today. Of course my wrist still hurts today, but at least I was able to wear a long sleeve shirt so it was easy to hid the bandage. This should tide me over for a while now; I hope!