I came home tonight, drunk as ever. I really should not have driven home, but I don’t really care right now. After leaving Lisa’s party I tried reaching home a few times, but no one answered. When I got her there was no one home. I frustrated at the thought of that. I knew JJ was out. I looked around for a note, but I found nothing. I also looked at the answering machine, there was a message, but it was from Beth and not JJ. All I ever ask, is that if he is going out, and I do not know where he is going to be, that he just leave a message on the answering machine or he leave a note for me, but there was nothing. I found his cell phone # in one if his previous bills and called him. I let him know I was not happy with him and he did not understand why. At first I thought he had gone out with the girl from work that he is talking about all the time, but it turns out he was at Doug’s house. I don’t have a problem with him going over there as long as he lets me know that he is not going to be home at all. I asked how he was going to get a lift from Elizabeth to Denver for his shift tomorrow. He stated that Doug was going to give him a ride. All I can say is that if he is late f or his shift tomorrow or gets fired we are over. I can’t take this. He is too tired to spend any time with me, but he sure as hell can spend all night with Doug. I really don’t mind that he goes out and hangs out with his friends, but he should at least have some consideration and let me know that he’s at least ‘might’ not be home when I get here. I am glad he is at his friend Doug’s, I am glad he has someone to hang out with, but he could at least tell me he’s not going to be around. If I had found out he was out with the girl from work I think I may have flipped and told him not to come home. I don’t care if he hang out with someone, but I get an ill feeling that this person he met recently may be the death of our relationship. I don’t know why, but I just get that feeling. I can see him fucking around with her, and if I ever find out that he does, we are over. He has always told me that if I fuck around on him then we are over, so I expect the same out of him. This is not some double standard where he feels like he can do whatever the fuck he pleases. He use to bitch that I would go out with Robbie to some place he could not go to, or be pissed that I stayed out with him late, and yet, he has always done the same thing. What the fuck ever! Between relationships and fucking work I give. I want it to all end. I can’t take much more of this. If it continues I think I am a goner. I will throw in the chips and say, “fuck reality”. FUCK IT!. I want to die. Please help me? Please? Does anyone even FUCKING CARE ANYWAYS”? Quote me; it’s from the, ‘mouths of babes’. LETS SLEEP AWAY THE CRIMSON NIGHTMARE OF A NEW BEGINNING! THE END!

(9:58pm)

I guess this means I will be spending the night alone once again. At least this time he called to let me know that he will be spending the night with one of his friends. I really can’t believe that I am this easily discarded. Whenever I would go out with my friends he would wonder where I was, or bitch if I came home late, but I didn’t stay the night with them for multiple days in a row. I can sense the ending of us; the question is, is there any salvation? There is no passion in his eyes, or his touch anymore. I have become the dull tinker toy that he is either to lazy, or cares to little about to polish up. Whatever, I guess I should just be grateful I have my puppy, Onyx, and my kitty, Ophelia to keep me company. I am tired as it is, perhaps I will turn in early. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow; fuck, it’s going to be a long week in HELL! No Wait! Hell would be a lot fucking better than another day at Azar and associates. Maybe I am too much of a complainer, or maybe I am just a dreamer. I just think it would be nice to have someone care so much about me that they would gladly come home to spend the night curled up with me in bed. I don’t think that is all that much to ask. Last night I had come home early, hoping to find him in bed just so that I could snuggle up next to him. I was a bitch to him when I called him on his cell phone. I was drunk as fuck and was worried about him. There was also a small ting of jealousy because the thought of him being out all night with the girl from work that he has been talking about all the time made me worried. He told me that this girl is a lot like me; in fact, he said that it was rather scary how much we were alike; this disturbed me even more. If our relationship is not doing so well, and he has found someone that reminds him of me, I fear that he will just go out and fuck her, or dump me for her. Should I even care? Why should I worry? I couldn’t prevent this even if I wanted to, right? Fuck, this is what I have been afraid in the past. I was terrified of falling in love with someone. I feared becoming completely involved with them and then having them fuck me over in the end. Am I just being possessive? Jealous? Paranoid? Maybe he is just not giving me the reassurance that I need. I know that he has been working himself to death just to pay off bills and make ends meet; but then I get this feeling that maybe he is not spending the whole time at work. Maybe he’s out fucking some chick instead. He has been rather cold and distant lately, and I cannot tell if it’s because he is exhausted from a day of working, or is it because he has lost interest in me? He snaps at me quite often lately. He is calm one minute, and then he turns around and yells at me the next. I am at ends with the world right now. I come home bitter, and on the edge because of work, and then I come home to a relationship that isn’t really even a relationship anymore. Maybe I am just acting like a spoiled little bitch. I just wish our relationship could still have some of what it had when we first met. So much has been lost, as time has slipped passed. Can that be fixed, or is it the end? I am not sure. It has merely been over a year and things are dulling around the edges; if the relationship is going downhill this fast does that mean it should end, or that it is going to end? Who fucking knows? Who fucking cares? Any ways, I think sleep is the best choice for now. Goodnight!