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 i love my ceramics class. i love getting the clay on me and i love being able to mold and shape something with my two hands. i love being able to take something soft and squishy and turning into something beautiful. but i mostly love the feeling of soft, wet clay on me. when it's almost watery, in it's slip stage. i have this image of myself sitting over a wheel, with my ball of clay, bucket of water, and my hands covered in both. my hair's tied back and i'm wearing my tie-dyed apron. the part that makes me believe that i'm an artist is when i'm sitting there, doing that, and i wipe away a strand of hair with my writst, because my hands are covered in clay. i don't know why but i think of that as such an artist thing to do. the same with painting. maybe getting a little streak of paint on my cheek or forehead. i just think it shows how much you don't mind the paint, that it's apart of you. when i finish painting i take paint streaks on my arms and legs as a badge of honor. i like them and i don't want to wash them off.
the other day after ceramics i went to my next class and noticed that i had streaks of clay on my legs that weren't noticeable when they were all wet when i was cleaning them in class. sarah asked me why i didn't try and see if lotion would work to get rid of them. i said i didn't care. she thought i was crazy. why would i walk around with some clay streaks on my legs? because i like me that way.
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 hmmmm this one is hard for me because I don;t really like me most of the time...there's really no time when I just suddenly realize wow! I like me this way...but for some odd reason I really like the fact that I need glasses...it feels neat to take my glasses of and set them on the nightstand after I've gotten in bed and the lights are out...cause I need them up until I can't see anymore anyways...and I love waking up and reaching over and putting my glasses on before I do anything else...hmm I don't think that really counts but oh well...
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| Have you ever been so afraid of being alone that you kept running back to something you knew was wrong just to avoid it? Well, for the past year and a half I have been doing it, and last night I finally put a stop to it for good. I finally realized that hanging on to something wrong simply to aviod being alone is unhealthy. Avoiding being alone is not worth the sacrafice of my happiness and the happiness of my ex. All I really want for him is happiness and I know that he will not find what he is looking for in me and I will not find what I am looking for in him. He cannot remedy my fear of lonliness, no one but me can. After so long I have realized that Life is about finding yourself, and that's what I'm beggining to do....thousands of miles away from where I became a life. I am finally happy, feeling better than I ever have before...Have you ever felt that content? |
| have you ever been skydiving? bungee jumping? sailed away in a sail boat? gone to europe? i want to do all those things, and so many more. there are so many things i want to do in my lifetime. sometimes when i'm just sitting, i get this feeling inside of me like i'm wasting time and i get up and walk around, just looking for something to do. maybe paint, or collage, or read, maybe even clean my room. most of the time i'll just spend all my time walking around and never get anything done. i want to stop that. maybe i'll start making a dream journal. just get a notebook and write down the things i want to do and list the places i want to go, maybe put pictures in it. then have a box next to it to check it off when i do it. that'd be cool. there are so many thing si want to do, mostly places i want to go. in my english class the other day, we had to make a list of ten things we wanted to do before we died. most of the list was places i wanted to go: the eiffel tower, mona lisa, the volcanoes of hawaii, the rainforests in south america, the pyramids in egypt and mexico, stonehenge (i'm so jealous of you renee!), all kinds of places. i'd love to drive across the country, all the way to the atlantic. maybe hit georgia, new york, south dakota, that'd be awesome. |
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| one of the times i can remember feeling most content was one night when i was sitting in my orange chair in my closet, with my white christmas lights strung above me. i was playing my beth orton album and writing in my journal. i felt so calm and peaceful. it felt kind of like i was in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, and my lights were all the bright, shining stars above me. and beth orton, what can i say, i love that girl. her music is truly enchanting. it's the perfect tunes for when you're just sitting there, maybe lying in bed. it doesn't strain your brain, just lets it wander. i love those moments when i feel all alone, and it's a good alone. even though i was in a small little closet, i felt so free and like i was in the middle of nowhere.
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| Contentment has come to me in copious amounts as of late...and I thank the fates everyday for this contentment I feel. I am content with all of the happenings in my life right now and all of my choices. I wake up and think about what I've done and all I feel is a calm, peaceful and glowing happiness. It radiates from my skin, brighter than the sun. Today a moment of contentment was laying in a bed in the arms of a man I am growing to love (?)...in a bed of feathers...of down...down pillows and sheets and padding underneath...I felt as if I were floating on a cloud...and we were talking...about everything...about life and our plans for it...our experiences of it...and our dreams of what it could become...I was dreaming of going to college while working at a job I love and coming "home" to this man...and then he said something that made me feel so wonderful...he called it ours...our bed...and I knew he was feeling what I felt...a connection forged by the words we have spoken to each other over the months...and I felt content... contentment comes to me when I think of the change in direction my life has taken...I feel the positive energy filling me up, where the negativity once lived...I think of all the times I spent with my best friend...talking about silly things for hours...when we were younger and still as we got older...I thought of the time we had the bonfire in the backyard and I helped you let go of a part of your past...I thought of the night in New Mexico when you tried so hard to help me let go of mine...but I was still holding on...and although we have nothing material to burn...I feel that the next time I see you, somehow you will help me let go. You have been helping me from day one...contentment comes when I think upon my life for a moment and realize that for once...it's all falling into place |
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| Have you ever really been filled with a rage and self hatred so intense it makes you cry? Well, I have and that's how I know that I'm not alright...or maybe that I'm just human...I though I was really doing better and I didn't need my meds anymore...so I uh...quit taking them...but I guess I was mistaken...so um yeah....it's obvious that I'm not OK anymore and I really can't control myself without meds...I'm on one of my self-hate trips again...this one is pretty bad cause I've given myself a horrible headache with the pure rage that's racing through my body...I can't stop shaking and all I want to do is scream and throw shit and claw my whole fucking face off...I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow and spend a nice halloween with my ?boyfriend? and some other friends but I can't even begin to fathom waking up...I can't imagine being normal...all I imagine is that people will see the monster I see in the mirror...the ugly person inside of me...the ugly way I feel...and that is how I feel...don't pity me and odn't think me pathetic...but rather...think me human...we're all capable of these feelings...some just feel them more... |
| I haven't felt those feelings for a long, long time. It's been practically a year and a half since I was really depressed, although it feels like so much longer ago. It's hard for me to even remember feeling depressed, and wanting to do all those horrible things to myself that Renee wrote about. I did at one time feel them though, and I know it's a hellish place to be. I lived with depression for almost three years. I often thought about dying and tried killing myself quite a few times. The first time was fours years ago now that I think about it. I was going to slit my wrists while everyone was out trick-or-treating. It's kind of funny, I was going to use my Girl Scout utility knife to do it.
I was irritable, mean, got in arguments with my parents constantly and all I wanted to do was sleep. Not just sleep, because even now I wouldn't mind a little nap, but not wake up. I wanted to stay in bed away from everything that was bothering me. Too bad what was bothering me was me.
I know I talk about my breakup with my last boyfriend a lot, but it is probably the biggest and most transforming events of my life. When I decided to leave him, I had also decided to leave a life that was not meant for me. The depression did not stop when we broke-up, there was a whole month of me hating me for making such a "big mistake". I banged on my walls, cried constantly at night, and only thought about how this was only a test, and someday we would be back together. I begged him back several times, but (thankfully) he would not take me back..
Fortunately, I had people and other commitments around me to keep me distracted and on the right track to a better life. (Thanks Renee!!!)
I eventually realize me life was better without him, and was reassured by many, many, many people that I was right.
I really love my life now. It's not perfect or anything, but I have come a long way from what it once was.
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| all through high school i know i was thought of as a nerd. i was the girl who read all the time. i knew that, and was pretty proud of it too. i kind of liked being a nerd.
alright, so i'm on this field trip with some of these girls from class (i've just made a not so clever transition from high school to college) and we're talking about reeeeeally good food and i said the godiva ice cream was like an orgasm in a cup. when i said it they were totally shocked. now, i knew i was a nerd, but a prude too? good goddess!!! i am an embarrassment to my bad girl sisters.
i guess i do that to a lot of people too. after all, the unibomber's neighbors all thought he was a nice young man.
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| Hmmmm...I guess sometimes I'm not what people think cause I'm two different people. And well, sometimes I only show people one side of me, then one day I turn around and show them the other side. I can be a very quiet, reflective and shy person; but also I can be a loud, boisterous and out-there person. Sometimes it's fun to shock the people who think I'm super quiet by complelty coming out of my shell. I did that a while ago to my friends Tiffany and Don. We had only really hung out at Josh and Don's house and I'm usually really quiet and observant there. They invited me to a Halloween party and I ended up just letting loose. I think they were both slightly taken aback by my outgoing, friendly demeanor. Another way I think I'm proably not what I seem is the whole Body Mod factor. I look pretty normal and average, but deep inside I have a huge passion for body piercings and tattoos. I have plans for over 8 tattoos and 5 more piercings, as well as stretching my bottom lobe holes to 00g and my other lobe holes to various sizes. Who woulda thunk it just by looking at me? |
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| Well, this is it; a new year, a fresh start. So all I have to say is that this year I'm gonna try and be good and do things right and get my life together. Hooray for that! I am also giving up dating....Im going solo, hopefuly for the whole year. I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on shitty relationships, so that's that! Hooray |
| oh my goodness, i just did it. i wrote to jenny and told her i was sorry. it feels good, but makes me a little anxious/nervous. i told her not to feel any pressure to write back and that i just wanted to get it off my chest, but a little part of me hopes she does write back and tell me thank you. i don't know what part of me. probably the part that needs to be affirmed that i'm doing the right thing. i know i did the right thing, i just need someone to tell me. wow, it'll be two years at the end of the month since me and daniel broke up. it seems like that was forever ago. well, two years doesn't sound like so long to hate someone's guts, hee hee, just kidding. i'm happy i did it though. i'm very happy.
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| well, ashlee I'm really proud of you for swallowing your pride and dong what was right. And now on a different note. I wrote a long ol poem that I'm really proud of so I'm gonna share it so there!! We People we slay dragons in our sleep breathing softly sliding closer entangled limbs and hair stuck to lips breathing to the back of heads we slay dragons in our sleep fantasies of maybe someday never never land should we ever land? and what if I took you by the hands? [we dream] of time moving so swiftly? [we dream] of sliping so silently [I dream] of moving away from these windows [where] we can see the days and hours moving stop motion film the clouds moving, the sun setting the darkness [settling] in for the night but not for each other stop motion film it all happened in real time it went slower look behind now it all went so fast we slay dragons in our sleep they were lovers who are we? and what if I took you by the hands? [of time] we haven't much left we've got all day all year we looked back and changed our minds we swung from the pendulum whos swinging now? they were lovers who are we? we people who sleep next to slain dragons who sleep next to old promises lying warm and cozy beside our entangled bodies cozying up like an old faithful dog curled at our feet these promises lie or do we? who are we? we two wandering people anthropologists? looking for the answers of people these people we people in the relics of the past in the old promises curled next to us keeping us warm on these cold nights there are no cold bodies in this bed we've slain dragons while we slept in each others arms who are we? and what if I took you by the hands? [of time] should we ever land? we people who slay dragons in our sleep. |
| *standing ovation*
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Well, I know some people have lives and boyfriends that are far more important than writing in some silly web-page, but I kinda miss posts from my girl. Wonder where she went???
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