Not again, Jim Ellison thought to himself when he saw what his brother Stephen held in his hand. Jim was surprised enough to see the younger Ellison at all let alone that damn newspaper article.
And what had it been? Over a year now that the friendship ceremony took place. The detective thought he had heard the last of it when Naomi threw her little fit. That had been about week after his own father made his opinion of the whole thing known. This was just too much, sending Stephen to do some more of the dirty work. Jim decided to give it all the attention is deserved.
Glancing at the picture his brother held out to him he said curtly, "Friendship ceremony... Blair and I are NOT involved... Dad's wrong, as usual. You can just be on your way. And you can tell him that sending you here didn't work." Jim started to coax the man to the door.
"Jim, wait. You don't understand," Stephen protested softly.
"Dad didn't give you that picture?"
"Yes, he did..."
"That's what I figured." Jim continued to show Stephen to the door.
"Ten months ago." Stephen fought Jim's physical direction. "Look, it's not what you think."
Jim stopped. Where had he heard that before? "Suppose you tell me what it is then? Did Dad send you here or not?"
Stephen sighed. "He tried to. That is why he gave me this..." Jim rolled his eyes. "But that's not why I'm here." Stephen suddenly found his shoes very interesting. He had practiced what he wanted to say all these months but now, faced with his brother's hardened glare all the rehearsal in the world couldn't make the words come out smoothly. "Dad gave this to me almost a year ago, " he mumbled to the floor. Then feeling brave he looked back to Jim. "But I didn't do what he wanted."
"Which was?"
"He said he thought maybe I could talk some sense into you, that you wouldn't listen to him." The man's breath started coming faster. "Jimmy, you've got to believe me. I don't agree with him."
"I don't have to believe anything." Jim didn't really mean to be so cold but he'd had enough of the other side of the Ellison family giving him grief over his best friend.
"That used to be us," Stephen blurted even surprising himself.
Jim folded his arms. "So?" Even as a child Jim had been very tactile. Michelle's mother, the ethologist would have attributed it to mammalian tendencies. But his own mother leaving, combined with his father's aloofness caused Jim to behave less mammalian. Stephen had been the only person to whom he displayed physical affection... and then, of course, never around the great William Ellison. Eventually, the competitive arena in which their father placed them deteriorated not only the physical but the emotional relationship between the brothers.
Stephen became sheepish at his brother's hard line stance. "I know we lost... what we had... but... I mean, we can get it back." He looked expectantly at Jim.
Jim's face remained granite and he shrugged. "What? You want a kiss? Is that why you came here? Well, you're not getting one."
The younger brother looked down, then back up. "I'm sorry about the car...."
"It's not just about the car," Jim exploded. "It's... years of you pulling away, trying to kiss up to Dad instead of kissing me. Or even being there as a brother... Nah."
"We're still brothers," Stephen insisted.
"In name we are," Jim told him. "But..." He pointed to Blair's image in Stephen's hand. "That man there is my brother, here." He touched his chest over his heart. "Where it counts." Jim shook his head. "I'm sorry. I just don't feel that close to you anymore."
Tears stung Stephen's eyes. He knew Jim was right. Their closeness had been sacrificed a long time ago. "We did love each other," Stephen reminded him.
"That's right... did.," Jim confirmed the past tense. "It's going to take some time to get any of it back.... if ever."
Stephen nodded. "I'm willing to work on it, however long. Just know that." Not waiting for a reply he turned and headed out the door.
Jim watched the retreat before closing the door. He moved to the couch and sat. Figuratively losing his brother all those years ago had hurt... really hurt. He dealt with it as he always had- pushing it aside and ignoring it. Now, confronted with the memory of the loss an anguished sob wracked him and Jim cried.
********
Blair Sandburg had passed Stephen Ellison coming out of the building. Blair noticed the man seemed preoccupied but his concern went to Jim. He rushed to the elevator, got impatient waiting on the ancient lift and took the stairs. He arrived outside the loft door in time to hear Jim's wail.
Entering the loft Blair cast his backpack aside and moved to the couch where Jim was seated quietly crying into his hands. Sitting beside him Blair tentatively touched Jim's arm. "Big guy?"
Jim raised his head and with no further preamble wrapped his arms around his friend. Blair brought his arms up around Jim and rubbed his back while saying nonsense things like, "Shhh and easy, easy." A few minutes lapsed and the crying subsided. Blair pulled back slightly to look Jim in the eye. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Jim scrubbed a hand down his face. "Yeah, I do." He shook his head. "But not right now." Noticing the worry in the young man's eyes he raised a hand and stroked Blair's cheek. "I promise I'll tell you about it. Right now I just need..." His voice trailed off.
Blair sat back. "Come on, Jim," he said coaxing the older man to lie down. "You put your head in my lap for once." He eased Jim so his head was pillowed on his thigh. Jim brought his legs up on the sofa and settled in.
There were several moments of silence, Blair stroking Jim's forehead. "You're always here for me," the older man broke the silence.
The young man contemplated his friend. "Where else would I be? Besides, goes both ways. I'd say you've gone above and beyond the call for me."
Jim chuckled through his still lingering sorrow. "Hey, gotta honor that vow we took." He stared up into the blue depths of his roommate's eyes.
Blair returned the gaze. "Chesed."
"Loyalty?"
Blair nodded. "Not just loyalty, man. Chesed actually encompasses a lot more... acts of loving kindness, unselfish giving..."
Jim's hand came to rest briefly on Blair's mouth. "Chief, hush. " His hand flopped back down.
"For all eternity." Blair added anyway, then continued as had Rabbi Bauman more than a year ago.. "This friendship now consecrated in the eyes of G-d will last until the broken glass can be restored to its original integrity."
Jim smiled up at his guide and best friend.. He, too, remembered words from the Rabbi. "You may now affirm this vow in your own manner."
Blair took his "brother's" cue and leaned over to drop a brief, light kiss on Jim's mouth. He then sat back and resumed the comforting touch to Jim's brow.
A wave of warmth flooded through Jim when Blair's lips touched his. Such a simple gesture and yet so misunderstood by some. He had lost that intimacy with the brother that was born to him but he had found it ten fold right here with his brother of heart, where it counted.
THE END
picture by Cheri Allen