Funny Quotes
I'd just like to say that all quotes by "Matt" are by Matt Ritter. Except of course for the ones that aren't. Matt's MattBay
Yep. I remember when you had to work to find a Weezer fan. Sometimes things would get so scarce you would have to make one out of a regular guy. Like a gingerbread man with earphones!- Matt
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.- Red Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.- Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.- Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name!" - Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.- Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner
The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any excuses, that's the day you start to the top. - O.J. Simpson
We've got our own brand of stupid. -Matt and Matt
Blow it Out Stupid!! -Matt
There is no Derrin. Only Zeul! -Matt (Those last two are a little inside. But you too can be on the inside. All you have to do is send me 50000000000000000 pennies, in order of year. Or 50 dollars.)
What has Zeul done? -Matt
Gorgeous was the day we met. I couldn't speak except to say how gorgeous that I thought you were to me. -The Start (Not really funny, but not meant for you commoners either)
Keep Honking. I'm Reloading.- Bumper Sticker
Horn Broken. Watch for finger.- Bumper Sticker
He had a face only a mother could love. A mother who was blind in one eye and had that white filmy stuff over the other one. You know what I mean. -Colin From Who's Line Is It Anyway
Have you seen my batheball? - Warren From Something About Mary
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Matt
Every morning is the dawn of a new error. - Jokes 4 You Joke Letter
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. - Many a man
You're pretty when I'm drunk. - The Bloodhound Gang (A Band)
Meow - My Cat
Cellists do it in a chair with their legs open wide. - Sophie Marceu
Arrgh me maties. You wanna swashbuckle? - Mr. Bartnick
Join the Army. Travel the world. Meet interesting people. And kill them. - Matt
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." - Matt
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. - Matt
Beauty is only skin deep. - All the ugly people I've ever met.
I souport publik edekasion. - Matt
Why do they call him Bozo the Clown? It's not like there's a Bozo the doctor. - Seinfeld
He is your god. They are your rules. You burn in hell. - Ananymous
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. - Ananymous
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Jokes 4 U joke letter
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding. - Same
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Same
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Same
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. - Same
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Same