This is a tender story of a man who despises his wife because she is perhaps slightly older than he'd like her to be; and the woman who downs hooch like Dylan Thomas because her husband despises her so much. It is also the story of an ancient woman from an unnamed African country who has found the fountain of youth coursing through the pineal gland of the male of the species. Further it is the story of the weenie lawyer with whom our heroine falls in love, and his weenie fiancée whose only redeeming quality is that she packs a Colt Panther.Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: #802
The Leech Woman
This sweeping epic takes us to a modest ranch home in, perhaps, Elmhurst, Illinois all the way to Griffith Park in LA, which completely and altogether passes for the breathtaking Kalahari. Along the way we see our white heroes immediately assume superiority over an ancient tribe, we see our heroine stabbing at the bases of skulls of countless men, we see that alas, the fountain of youth is always out of order and prone to backfiring, and that to be not beautiful and extremely young is to be hateful and evil. A lesson for our time. Highlights include several examples of the spiral cup bra.
Prologue: Intrepid Crow, worried about the Satellite's prairie dog problem, purchases a "Varmint Vac," which helps to keep the ship's beefalo herd from breaking their legs in prairie dog holes. Mike seems surprised that the Satellite has either prairie dogs or beefalo.
Segment One: At the urging of Mike and the 'Bots, Bobo, Peanut and their entire staff revert to their monkey-nature, wearing diapers, smoking huge cigars and roller skating, which we all know are natural and instinctive simian urges. Pearl, the Lawgiver, arrives in time to put a stop to it and hands out plenty of baby-wipees.
Segment Two: In a stirring and poignant scene, the nanites organize and strike against... well... other nanites, I guess, who seem to be their hard-hearted job bosses. After stirring speeches, the labor dispute is settled in the tradition of American free enterprise, with tanks and guns.
Segment Three: With the apes beginning to suspect that she may not be the lawgiver, Pearl enacts some important laws, such as " no parking on Sundays" and "no soup with buffet." Servo reveals the seedy side of his missing five hundred years roaming the universe, which may or may not include several stops at peep shows. You be the judge.
Segment Four: Crow and Servo, enlightened by today's film, conspire to puncture Mike's pineal gland and extract the precious juice so they can live forever. They get really cheesed when Mike survives the assault, and they turn to Gypsy, proving once again that they haven't a clue.
Segment Five: Tom Servo, obsessed with screaming "Jeeeeeeeddddddddd!" at the top of his lungs, dresses as Irene Ryan in her epic role and forces Crow and Servo at gun-point to play-act The Beverly Hillbillies. Naturally, it backfires; naturally, Servo cries.
I put it to you that it is well known that monkeys, apes and in fact most primates fling their poop, sometimes with considerable verve and with the style and accuracy of a Dennis Eckersley. But it's just not a proper topic to bring up in a family show like ours. So we continue to wrack our brains to demonstrate this tastefully.
A word about monkey makeup: Imagine having latex house paint smeared all over your face, on your teeth and in your eyes, then highly toxic industrial adhesives applied, then an entire warm rotting beef liver pressed into the inch-thick layer of glue, then a wig made for a ten-year-old child squozen onto your skull, then being adorned with several layers of thick wool clothing before walking out into a stifling studio filled with ten-thousand watt lights so it's the temperature of a Kenner Easy-Bake Oven. Now, act! And be funny, dammit!
Oh, I'm not griping. I mean it's a great role and a lot of fun to do. But my skin does have the texture of a cantaloupe. Okay, I guess I am griping.
- Kevin Murphy (no relation to the Murphy Bed)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie/episodes availability on video
The best book for looking up movie titles and descriptions is the Movie / Video Guide by Leonard Maltin.
The last time I checked, The Leech Woman was available on video...just one of the many fine Leech movies available (most of them by Roger Corman). But if for some reason this fine film isn't available on videotape, you can still get Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie while supplies last...
MonsterVision.info at mstfans.com or