When a gabby, death-deserving couple is consumed whole by an off-screen leviathan, the thin, plucky dolphin teaser Dr. Stella Dickens is brought in to investigate. The creature is hunted by the thin, continually beered-up Dr. West, who discovers a creature of such power and immensity that the film's budget can't ever provide a good shot of it. Sensing they're in over their heads, the pair turn to the thin, tan, beautifully stupid TV repair man Peter (in this film pronounced "pee-der"). But wait, it seems that the monster is the produce of a super-mega-uber-corporation run by a Rula Lenska look-alike and a Bill Blass look-alike. Embroiled in an empty marriage, Rula has partnered with another Euro-dope who has engineered this monster in order to rule the sea.
Their savagely stupid idea comes unraveled quicker than a Belva Plain novel, and as you might guess, ends in bloodshed. Ultimately, confusingly and boringly, the monster is lured into the everglades and set ablaze, along with most of the everglades. There is so much more, but to devote additional typing energy to the plot would be self-injurious.
Prologue: Mike suddenly has found himself without an identity, pursued by agents of a secret government project who have wiped every record of his existence from the face of the earth, and now he's on the run...until servo and crow find his wallet for him, and then everything's okay.
Segment One: In true sit-com predicament style, Bobo, Brain Guy and Pearl have to pretend the Castle is a cruise ship. Mike and the Bots make ice sculptures: Servo puts his ice in gin and tonic, Crow makes a huge replica of Michelangelo's David, and Mike tries to weld his. Heh, heh. Our own Patrick and Beez star as the cruise ship couple.
Segment Two: After taunting Dolphins for being dumb, Mike and Co. are besieged by a stunningly advanced Dolphin spaceship, and they recant every bad thing they said about dolphins. We learn that most dolphins are named "Blowie".
Segment Three: An electrician comes to the SOL to effect repair, and Mike taunts him. Accordingly, the giant dolphin spaceship comes to the electrician's aid. We learn that dolphins have a strategic alliance with electricians. This is absolutely true, don't doubt it.
Segment Four: Pearl has created a device to make Mike and the Bots appear more Italian to the naked eye, in what might be our most culturally insensitive sketch to date.
Segment Five: In Castle Forrester, Pearl can barely hold her cruise ship scam together, with Bobo as captain. Bobo blows a cog, erupts in a violent hail of breakfast cereal and must be darted several times to calm him down. A special nod to Bill Corbett for his portrayal of Brain Guy portraying Isaac from The Love Boat.
Stinger: Beery Doctor West says "I knowww!" Man, that's laugh-out-loud funny.
Our own Peter Rudrud has been plugging his ears each time we pass and cry out "Pee-derrrr!" Boy is that fun to do. Try it on your friends! You'll find it works best on people named "Peter", but what the hell, let it loose on your Gramma, or your parole officer.
It is a film like this that gives us license to Euro-bash until the sun goes down. Here we have represented Italy, England, Sweden, Germany, and I believe Andorra. Mix these together in Florida, with a cast and crew which collectively speak enough English to purchase Budweiser and Moon Pies, give them skimpy bathing suits and a bunch of camera equipment and you will naturally produce enough Euro-bashing cannon fodder to last at least two decades. What we do is as natural as your own hair.
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And finally, a salute to whatever PR officer signed the Coast Guard up to bend WAY over and take it in the Stokes Basket for this film. It seems that a full compliment of Coast Guard helicopters was made available to this production without even a faint hint of mob involvement. So the next time I make a pathetic European movie involving stupid rubber monsters terrorizing our waterways, I'll know who to call! Semper Paratus!
Your Humble Servant,
- Kevin Murphy
Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie/episodes availability on video
The best book for looking up movie titles and descriptions is the Movie / Video Guide by Leonard Maltin.
If for some reason this fine film isn't available on videotape, you can still get Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie while supplies last...
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