Every once in a while, a great story is passed around on the net; I
An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Politicians:
And the grand finale:
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"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
"This employee should go far-- and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking."
"A room temperature I.Q."
"Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms out-score him in I.Q. tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of his family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.
Believe in yourself.
Consider things from every angle.
Don't give up, and don't give in.
Enjoy life today, yesturday is gone, and tomorrow may never come.
Find out what makes YOU happy; and go for it.
Give more than you planned to give.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it.
Keep on trying. No matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat, steal. Always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes and seek things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your oun destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
Xccelerate your efforts.
You are unique of all of God's creations. Nothing can replace you.
Zero in on your target, and go for it.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
DINING OUT
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
DATING (Outside the Family)
THEATER ETIQUETTE
WEDDINGS
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
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Ideas are like children, "Your own are wonderful"
The truth will set you free; but first it will make you angry.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the
end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that.)
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously.Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses.They're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her
husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop
and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find
her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the
gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of
bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut
up...you're next!"
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned
in spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of
the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACYS wrong.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because
it said 'concentrate'
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and
redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an
English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in
first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived
with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to
complain, but I think those other two girls used their
arms."
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* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.
* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20 by 20 room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up
when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you
have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling
fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (double pane)
doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's too
late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate, and slide in while wearing
baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes. A king size waterbed
holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq" house 4" deep
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto
Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you can't
walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute
response time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body
weight when dizzy.
* Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life~~
unfortunately, mostly in retrospect!!
More chuckles on the next page, if you would like to proceed.
will be placing some of them here as I come across them. Enjoy!
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following
examples are quite astounding!
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord
(or Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich == Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher == That great charmer
The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
-- Neil A.Armstrong
== A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something you would want to
have dinner with."
WHEN I'M A LITTLE OLD LADY
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When I'm a little old lady
Then I'll live with my children
and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had
from each girl and boy
I shall draw on the walls
and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out
without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry,
socks under my bed.
Whenever they scold me,
I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp,
always fritter away
The time to be spent
doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children
when they are on the phone.
As long as they're busy
I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets,
rocks in a drawer,
And never pick up my clothes
from the floor.
Dash off to the movies
and not wash a dish.
I'll plead for allowance
whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing
and deluge the floor.
As soon as they've mopped it,
I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me,
I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming,
not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils
and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones,
I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk
to complete every meal,
Eat my banana and
just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table,
spill jam on the floor,
I'll break lots of dishes
as though I were four.
What fun I shall have,
what joy it will be to
Live with my children....
the way they lived with me!
(author unknown)
Quotes from actual Federal Employee performance evaluations:
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be."
trap."
foot was previously in there."
them."
TO ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS, REMEMBER YOUR ABC's
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Quitters never win, and winner never quit.
EAST TEXAS ETIQUETTE
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1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, and they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger foods.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners are.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall
two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school
on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun
is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
RANDOM THOUGHT BITES
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PALE HAIR MYTHOLOGY
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THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM CHILDREN
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You have been my visitor. Thank You!
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