2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really
good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good
and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

11 - Law of Obediance Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's
desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of
napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus
the amount of milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't
Matter.

26 - Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile
away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

27 - Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant
from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

28 - Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see
them.

29 - Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

30 - Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of
the lap she occupies.

31 - Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only
the probability of where she "might" be.

32 - Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is reported that the following chapter from the
Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea
Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the
question above.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden,
you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see
you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult
for me to remember how much you love me." And
God said, "No problem! I will create a companion
for you that will be with you forever and who will
be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will
know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and
unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was
pleased And the new animal was pleased to be with
Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But
Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal." And
God said, "No problem! Because I have created
this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with
Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's
guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord,
Adam has become filled with pride. He struts &
preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is
loved, but no one has taught him humility." And
the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who
will see him as he is. The companion will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to
Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when
Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that
he was the NOT the supreme being. And Adam
learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam
was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO BATHE YOUR CAT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say
cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special
enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new,
improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to
the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the
garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day
in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't
try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.

Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can
shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are
smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair
of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.

Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside
the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even
if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if
to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in
fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain
that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for
J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water
and squirt him with shampoo.

You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats
have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time.

When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another
squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and
fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In
fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.

That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your
right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for
your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up
clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a
simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the
cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.

He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.
As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and
injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on
your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.
Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill
in its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front
paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of
right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
(resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly
cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair,
fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your
left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop
pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees,
you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man,
have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the
the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....OOPS

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel.
Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist
impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no
man -or woman!

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head.
Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of
a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

~~~~~~~~~~~
Cat Thoughts
~~~~~~~~~~~

DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike terror into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmm... must try this with their.....

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

You have been my visitor. Thank You!

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