“Hotohori-sama,” he greeted, still smiling that beautiful smile. Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect hair... he was as beautiful as I was. I had to force my hands to stay at my side rather than caress his cheek as I wanted. What would he think of me if I did that? I remained where I was, rather stiffly.

I watched him a moment silently, drinking in his features, his smile, his eyes gazing only at me. Once again, I had to restrain my hands. I just wanted to take his small frame into my arms and embrace him. I wanted to know the scent of his hair, to press a kiss on his cheek, to feel him hugging me back. His face faltered a moment, aware of my staring and my long silence. I tore myself from the depths of his eyes and gave him a weak, hesitant smile. “Nuriko,” I said, and then faltered. Why was I doing this? He was a man, despite his looks.

Yet he had fooled the court for nearly two years now... Why could he not continue to live a charade? But I was asking him to live a lie. Did I have the right to do that?

“Hotohori-sama?” he asked softly, his voice scattering my thoughts. “Are you all right?”

Fumbling for words, I just nodded. I gathered my courage in the moment of silence that surrounded us. “Nuriko, this is for you.” I held the letter out, waiting for him to extend a hand.

He did, a small delicate hand, ready to accept my sentence of love or ruin.

I nearly pushed it into his hands, forcing it away from myself before I destroyed it. My courage was wavering. What would I do if he said no?

“What’s this?” he asked quietly, looking up at me. His eyes were those of a very young man, but in them he held the wisdom of one grown old too fast. Death can cause that. I wondered how many dear ones he had lost.

I shifted uncomfortably. “It’s... a letter.” I met his eyes again, my voice pleading. “Please don’t open it until you have found the shinzahou.” I did not need him getting distracted by me when Miaka needed him the most.

He nodded, his deep eyes so serious. “Thank you.” He paused a second, his quiet voice more beautiful to me than any instrument, than the birds of the air. “Hotohori-sama?”

I gave him another small smile. “Yes?”

“You’re worried about her, aren’t you?” His eyes were so concerned. Concerned for me, for my feelings, not for the emperor’s. Sweet Nuriko... untouchable as Miaka had been.

My hand managed to escape me and I reached out and touched his shoulder, my voice low. “I know she’ll be fine...” I don’t know what I was thinking, but I stepped toward him and enfolded him in my arms, hugging him tightly.

I could feel him stiffen slightly, praying it was in surprise, but I did not let go. “You have to keep yourselves safe,” I said quietly, then corrected myself. “Yourself.”

Tentatively, he hugged me back, a little unsure about my sudden display of affection. But from here, I could smell the light scent of his hair, feel his heartbeat... from here, I could turn my head slightly and kiss his cheek...

But I did not. When he came home, if he still wanted me, then I could show him my feelings. Now was not the time.

Against my wishes, I pulled away from him. He looked a little stunned, hazel eyes gazing up at me in surprise. I smiled slightly at him, the man I loved. “Be careful with that letter.” He nodded, his eyes still wide. “And take care of yourself.” Because I would not be there to protect him.

He nodded again, then spoke, uncertainty in his voice. “You have to be careful too.”

I laughed quietly. “Of course.” I turned slightly, away from him, knowing I had to go, but wanting to stay. “Oyasumi, Nuriko.”

“Oyasumi, Hotohori-sama,” drifted his voice after me down the hall as I walked away from him.

After the shinzahou, he would read my letter. And then... maybe we could be together...
 
 
 

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