Oh, Kourin… Ryuuen's gone now too… I'm all alone.

The man told me that Ryuuen is lying in the snow. He told me he was still beautiful.

But he's dead.

I can't stop crying. It doesn't seem real. How can he be dead? Why couldn't I have died? He was the strong one, always unbeatable. How could he have lost? How could you both have left me?

I know I didn't see him much when he was at the palace. I had so much to do, working at the shop, and after Father died, I was the only one to do it. He sent me letters frequently enough, telling me he was apprenticed to a scribe at the palace. He said he liked life there and if I wanted him to visit, to just ask. I was rather relieved he'd given up trying to be you. But there never seemed to be enough time to go, never seemed to be so important. Had you been alive I know that you would have seen him every day, but Ryuuen and I weren't as close as you two. I was always a little bit jealous, I have to say. He was so strong, spiritually, mentally, and physically, and you were the spirit, always running off and doing a million things. I was the responsible one, stolid, dependable, calm, always bullied by younger boys, always frail and weak and teased. Always humiliated because I was the oldest, and should have been the strongest.

Always excluded. You and Ryuuen looked and acted like twins, whereas I was older and didn't look much like either of you. I never quite fit in with you. You two were always off laughing together about some special secret and I was often confined to the store to learn the art of business. You were Ryuuen's best friend. I was alone. I always wished that I could be like you two, part of something special, but I never have and I often wonder if I ever will.

If only I could see his body and cry, to give him a proper burial- maybe then I could let him go. I can't even be sure that he's dead when everything is so uncertain like this.

He always told me he wanted to be buried beside you, and now I can't even fulfill that. What good am I at all? Why am I the only one left? Both of you had so much potential. I'm so weak and you were so strong.

Kourin, what am I going to do now? I have no one to live for, no one to support. There is nothing for me. All I have are my memories, dying hopes, flickering dreams.

Do you remember that crystal ball he used to play with when he was little? It's really glass, but you both always insisted it was crystal. I put it in his shrine. For some reason, it makes me feel safe. A little while after I heard the news of his death, a dark orb, beautiful, appeared in it. I wonder if it is his spirit, watching over me. It's sacred to me, just to have something that he loved so much.

I wish there were someone I could cry with. I wish you were here. Everyone is so afraid of saying the wrong thing. They all stay away. I cannot hold onto anyone or speak about Ryuuen to anyone, nor can I reminisce about him. It feels like I'm the only one who remembers. It seems like he left for the palace so long ago. He did write me once, telling me he was in love with someone very high up. Maybe it was a court princess, but he never told me who she was. She must miss him too. I wish I could have met her.

Everything is too late now. I have so many regrets. I'll leave flowers for both of you today. The same kind, your favorite, as I always do.

Back to Tokyo Tower