The words were a constant buzzing, a relentless drone that fell unheard, or at least unheeded, on my ears. I really suppose I should have been listening to them. After all, they were matters of the country, my country. But I couldn't concentrate on any of it. My mind was somewhere else.

Miaka. Missing, run to Kutou. What could have possessed her to run off alone? She could be in danger. And I couldn't even go to help her, bound by duty as I was. Wasn't I in love with this girl? Still, I couldn't help her. I was useless.

Sighing inwardly, I raised my hand drawing the glances of those in the room, and, for the moment, silencing the droning voices. Thank goodness.

"Enough of this for now. Nothing of this is new. You know how to attend to these matters. See to them and report back to me later," I said, my deep voice slipping into that commanding tone my mother used to say made me sound like my father.

My advisors gathered their things in a flurry of motion, and bobbing their heads in hasty bows, they scurried from the room.

All save one, that is. My chief advisor remained behind. Perhaps the only one of them I trusted fully, I had known him since as far back as I could remember. He was the only one who knew everything about me.

Poor man.

"Don't get too frustrated with them," he said, placing a hand on my arm. "They're only trying to distract you from your worries, in their own self-important ways." He half-smiled at me but then it faded. "I know you're frustrated about not being able to go after the miko, but don't worry. We've sent the best men we have after her. I know it isn't much assurance to you, but she will be fine. Have faith."

I nodded, vaguely agreeing with him. He was usually at least in part right in most things, and this time was no exception. Dwelling on what had happened wouldn't help, and it was impossible for me to go after her. "It isn't right..."

"I know. But many things in life are difficult, you know that. Certain things are necessary. Miko-sama already has two seishi searching for her. And two others waiting for her when she returns."

I frowned. He was speaking of myself and Nuriko, of course. Nuriko... I hadn't treated him well when he had delivered the news. I had been so angry.... but I shouldn't have taken it out on Nuriko. That was unfair of me. I owed Nuriko an apology.

I stood, the long full robes of my office as emperor swirling around me with the motion.

"Heika-sama?" my advisor asked curiously. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to talk to Nuriko... to apologize for my behavior earlier," I explained, walking towards the door. My advisor nodded in acknowledgment, looking as though he approved the idea. Though I don't doubt he would have approved anything that would have gotten me away from my thoughts, from dwelling on Miaka.

Nuriko. I'd go apologize to her... him... Nuriko.
 
 

I wished he wasn't quite so angry. I already felt enough like a failure and his anger and hurt did nothing to improve my mood. Miaka was gone and I had done nothing.

I was in my room, my mood grey, sitting on my bed silently. The lucky bearer of bad news. I guess Tamahome hadn't thought about my feelings when he told me to go back and tell Hotohori-sama that Miaka was gone. It wouldn't have mattered anyway- I was the only one who could go. So I had told him and watched his eyes blaze with anger and frustration, directed at me, because I was the one who had brought the news. It would have hurt anyway, but I loved him, and that made the pain that much worse.

I stood up and walked to my closet, my feet silent on the wooden floor. I rested my hand against the door and pulled it open.

He had wanted to go to Kutou, enemy country, for Miaka, the girl he loved. How could she not love him? He was everything I desired, and so much more. He was kind, gentle, loving, sweet... perfect. And he knew I was a man.

I angrily tugged off my men's tunic then my pants, throwing them across the room onto the floor. It just wasn't fair! Why did I have to be a man? He could never love me because of that. So my love for him was condemned to wither away in my chest until either I died or I found a new love. I had never fallen in love before Hotohori-sama. I doubted that I would fall in love after him.

I took a dress out of the closet and slipped it on, feeling immediately more comfortable. No one at the palace besides the emperor knew that I was a man. Only the other seishi. I didn't plan on letting the court know either. I would not bring shame on my family.

I needed to do something. I was bored already. How had I ever managed to survive boredom that year in the harem before Miaka? I stepped to a mirror, taking my hair and unbraiding it. I brushed it out, watching in the mirror how it shone. I felt so beautiful and I wished he would see me and think that I was. All I ever was or had become was for him. Even just a little, "You look nice today, Nuriko," would satisfy me forever. I sighed, gazing at myself a lingering moment longer, and then turned away, quiet and sad. Without Miaka here, I wasn't a seishi. I was simply a court maiden and my duties as such had resumed. I sighed again. It was going to seem like forever until she came back.

I tied up my hair partially, letting a few dark violet waves trickle over my shoulders and down my back. I would have to see what was now expected of me, my harem duties.

I slipped on a pair of shoes, comfortable and gentle to my feet, unlike those awful men's shoes. I stopped as I heard a sudden tap.

"One moment, please!" I called, expecting it to be a maid telling me my new duties or someone visiting. I slid open the door. Dark brown eyes met mine and I took a step back in surprise.
 
 

"Hotohori-sama!"

He looked surprised at seeing me, but then I suppose almost anyone would be surprised if the emperor of the country showed up at their door.

It would have surprised me, had I not been the emperor. I managed to smile at him in a way I believed congenial, but then, facial expressions have never been my thing. I prefer to deal in words; things are much more definite when they're just said outright. "Konnichi wa, Nuriko..." I ventured.

He looked at me, smiling shakily. "Konnichi wa, heika-sama." The words were stammered out, as though forming the sounds was an effort.

For a moment, I considered how to approach the subject of an apology. It wasn't something I was used to. And so, I stumbled straight into it. "I... earlier... I reacted very harshly," I said, my voice gaining confidence and going at a more steady rate as I spoke. "I wanted to apologize for that. I was angry, upset... but I shouldn't have taken it out on you..."

I watched Nuriko, waiting for some sort of reaction. The surprise on his face grew. I suppose he didn't quite believe that the emperor was apologizing to him. "Iie, Hotohori-sama, you were upset... I know you didn't mean anything." He smiled, a warm smile, so unlike the political smiles that are often directed my way. "It's all right."

I smiled back, deciding that my apology had been accepted. It felt as though a burden had been lifted from my chest. Feeling a bit lighter, I immediately ventured into a heavier topic.  "Ne, Nuriko... Miaka... do... do you know why she ran off?" I didn't know why I was always so shy when mentioning her name. Was I afraid? I shook my head, forcing myself to pay attention to the answer to my question.

Nuriko had lowered his eyes and he spoke, his voice soft, almost hesitant. Did he not want to tell me? "She said 'Yui-chan' before she went."

I nodded, my eyes going quite serious, in worry, and understanding of the girl's concern for her friend. "Hai... I've been afraid she'd do something like this... for her friend."

Nuriko nodded, still keeping his voice in that quiet tone, as though he were holding something back. "She's sweet like that."

I nodded, trying to kill my frustration. "Hai... sweet... but also foolish... to run with no one to protect her... she's a stranger to this world..."

Stepping back a bit, he nodded, whether in agreement with me or for some other reason I don't know.  "Would you like to come in?"

It was then I realized I was still standing in the doorway. Killing a flush that was threatening to rise into my cheeks, I nodded, managing a smile. "Hai... thank you..."

He stepped back a bit more, letting me step into the room. Glancing around in curiosity, I noticed Nuriko had left the door open, most likely to discourage any rumors that might have attempted to rear their ugly heads.

"Make yourself at home." He smiled at me, but it looked a bit forced. "I think Miaka will be fine, heika-sama..." he ventured after a moment.

Grateful for the reassurance, I nodded in agreement. "I hope so..." I trailed off, wondering briefly why I couldn't be as optimistic about this as everyone else seemed to be.

"Trust me. And Tamahome and Chichiri went after her." He flashed another smile at me, and though this one didn't seem forced, it almost looked... pained. I didn't understand, but my thoughts weren't allowed to wander far as he continued. "With any luck she'll be home for supper."

I laughed a bit as I remembered Miaka's ardor for being on time for meals... and showing up anywhere else that food may be present. "Hai..."

"You'll be all right...?" he asked, his voice sounding a bit worried. That surprised me, confused me, and so as usual, I muddled my reply.

"Oh, of course I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be?"

Frowning at me slightly, he shook his head, his voice almost admonishing. "Hotohori-sama... everyone knows how you feel about her. You must be very worried."

I looked at him for a moment, appraisingly trying to figure out something that was nagging me in the corner of my mind. He was right, of course. I was worried sick about her. Miaka. Why did you run off like that? I shook my head. "I am worried, but worry has never killed anyone. I just have to believe that Tamahome and Chichiri will get her back safe and soon." Without me. Without my help.

"They will." The firmness and complete confidence in his voice caught me off-guard a bit, but his conviction bolstered the small supply I had been nurturing in myself. I nodded silently in agreement.

"You're sure you'll be all right?" He still sounded so concerned.

"Of course." I nodded. "I'm positive." I glanced at him for a moment, judging something, weighing it in my mind. I wasn't sure even after what possessed me to do this, but I did. "Ne, Nuriko...would you mind if I asked you a... slightly... personal question...?"

He tilted his head up and glanced at me. Curiosity or something of the like was swimming in his dark purple eyes. "I wouldn't mind..." His voice, I thought, lacked some of the conviction of earlier.

I frowned a bit, trying to figure out the best way to phrase my question. I suppose a moment or so passed because Nuriko began looking more and more nervous.

"When you... well... when you cross-dress... and people think you're a woman..." I began quite lamely, "don't you ever get tired of everyone thinking you're something you're not? Don't you ever want to just scream out the truth? Once and for all?" I blurted it out, the words coming easier once I had set my mind on spitting them out, despite how ridiculous they might sound.

He didn't look at me, but he answered in a quiet voice. "I want them to think I'm a woman, Hotohori-sama."

I blinked, feeling like a complete idiot. What had possessed me to ask that? "Hai... of course...." I smiled sheepishly, hoping I hadn't offended Nuriko.  "Never mind then..." I trailed off, glancing around uncomfortably.

"Why?" That one word pulled me from my thoughts. Nuriko was looking at me curiously.

I concentrated on not wringing my hands in front of me. "Because... I suppose I'd nearly go crazy... having everyone think I was something else. Even if I wanted them to... or needed them to," I finished, by that time, twisting my hands in front of me, a nervous habit I seemed to have picked up.

"I suppose you get used to it," he said, flashing a little grin.

I nodded, grinning back. "Hai..." I agreed, my tone a bit more wry than I had planned it.

He glanced at me, curiosity still evident in his wide eyes. "Why? Are you planning on cross-dressing, heika-sama?" His face took on an impish quality and twisted into a mischievous dark smile.

I choked and started coughing. "That'd start too many rumors..." Cough. "Besides I'd make a very poor excuse for a woman..."

"Whatever happened to your being so beautiful?" he asked wryly.

I grinned trying not to look overly mischievous, but, I imagine, failing miserably at that. "Oh, nothing happened to that... I am," I said simply. And it was true. "Just... I don't think it's in a feminine way... do you?" My brows furrowed, thinking that through for a moment.

Nuriko laughed. I was caught completely off-guard.  "Of course not. Beauty can be manly or feminine," he said, his smile and mirth fading slightly.

"Ne, Nuriko... arigatou."

 He looked at me, raising a ladylike eyebrow. "Hm? For what?"

"You've greatly helped my mood. Thank you. I shouldn't take up more of your time," I said, truly grateful for Nuriko's help in letting me forget my worries for a few moments.

He smiled at me again, that enigmatic sad smile I never quite understood, but he was so prone to giving.  "I don't mind at all, heika-sama."

"Thank you..." I glanced back as I headed towards the door, taking one last look around his neat small room. It was minimally furnished but quaint and comfortable, soft looking. I liked it. Nuriko was watching me, no longer smiling, just watching, his deep eyes hiding something I couldn't even guess at.

"If you truly don't mind listening to my ravings," I began hesitantly, pushing back a few errant strands of hair that had fallen into my face, "I'll rant to you again some time." Nodding my head towards him, I thought I saw the beginnings of a smile creep into his delicate features.  "Good-bye..." I said as I shut the door behind me, letting it click softly into place before starting towards my own room.

Bliss!

I let myself fall back onto my bed, smiling to myself. I felt completely giddy. Hotohori-sama had visited my room! I hadn't even known that he had known where it was! And he had offered to come back! Trying not to laugh aloud, I clutched my pillow, assuredly grinning like an idiot.

It could work! Maybe... he could learn to love me... if I spent enough time with him... He had smiled at me today! I had felt so wonderful! If only I could see that smile directed at me every day... Maybe it could work... if he could just forget that I was a man and let himself start to care... I knew he had no chance with Miaka. And I knew I was only second best- if that. But... maybe...

Nuriko no baka, I chided myself gently. An emperor needs an heir and two men cannot provide that. I sighed quietly. I had already resigned myself to this. I shouldn't allow myself to feel hope that I knew I could never have. But yet... it was nice to dream...

I suppose that even if he did love me back, I couldn't allow myself to respond for the sake of the country- and for his sake. If he ever confessed feelings for me, I would have to turn him down. It would hurt so much, but he had to have an heir. Fortunately, I knew that would never come to pass. Hotohori-sama loved Miaka and his heart was as constant as the tides. I doubt that I should have loved him so much if he were not.

I stood up, smoothing the skirt of my dress and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I should find myself something to do. I had forgotten to ask Hotohori-sama about that when he was here. I pushed open the door and stepped out, blinking in the bright sunshine, waiting for my eyes to adjust.

"Oh! Kourin-san! When did you get back?" chirped a maid who had been passing my room. I felt odd. I had spent the better part of my time recently with people who had known my secret, but here, it was back the way it had been before.

I gave her what I hoped was a gracious smile. "Just a little bit ago," I replied, glancing at the gardens outside my room. "Ne, did you see where Hotohori-sama went? I meant to ask him something."

She looked at me with wide, astonished brown eyes. "You're going to see the emperor?" I suppose a few weeks ago that would have seemed unbelievable to me too.

"Yes," I said, glancing back at her. I knew her better than most of the maids. I had two of my own, whom I had not seen since I had returned. This girl- Yumi was her name- was just a cleaning maid, not an attendant. "I'm a seishi and he is as well. I need to know what my duties are now at court."

She nodded, still gazing at me with awed eyes. "Ne, Kourin-san..."

I had almost started walking again, but glanced back at her. "Hm?"

She reached over the edge of the railing, plucking something off a bush. "Bring him a flower. He must be worried about Suzaku no Miko-sama. This will cheer him up, don't you think?"

I smiled gratefully at her. "Hai... he is worried." I accepted the flower from her. It was a deep red, nearly a purple. I gave her a backwards grin as I started to walk away. "I'll tell him it came from you!" I called back to her.

I knew she would be blushing. She, like most of the females at the court, had a crush on him. She, like me, knew that nothing would ever come of it.

Why did I ever come to court in the first place? Was it for my sister? Was it to escape my family after she died? The point of being at court was to vie to marry the emperor. I couldn't- why was I still here?

I sighed, slightly frustrated at myself for not being able to get that out of my mind for now. I noticed glances from other court princesses- we all had our rooms down this corridor- some friendly, some admiring, many jealous. They all knew whose room the emperor had visited. I passed a guard and nearly laughed when I saw the way he was watching me. I decided to ask him, as I was almost there.

"Do you know if the emperor is in, sir?" I inquired, giving him my best sweet, demure smile.

It was obvious he was still staring at me, for he didn't seem to hear me for a moment.

"Sir?" I asked again, looking up at him.

"Huh? Oh... oh! Yes. Yes, he's in." He blinked and then smiled dazedly down at me.

The emperor isn't the only beautiful man in the court.

I smiled at him again and watched him melt, then continued my way to the throne room, the flower held gently in my right hand.
 
 

The sun was shining brightly as I stepped outside, too brightly for my eyes. I blinked a few times, waiting to become accustomed to the light. I hadn't remembered it being this bright out, but then again, I hadn't been in the sort of mood to notice such things.

Miaka. The gods help me, I was still worried about her, but I felt better about it. I couldn't explain it exactly, but even though my heart was still in knots with worry, I could think almost clearly again. Tamahome and Chichiri had gone after her, and somehow... I think I would have known if something had happened to her. I think we all would have; such is the link between seishi and miko.

Or at least that's what I told myself as I strode back to the throne room, still lost, but no longer dwelling in my thoughts. The cool breeze almost reached my skin, even through the thick flowing robes that billowed around me as I walked.

I passed by people whose faces were more or less a blur of bowing heads and lowered eyes. A guard stepped out of my way as I approached the door to the room. I glanced back once at the shining day and opened the door into the dim throne room, a bit reluctantly.

"Heika-sama!" I was greeted by a chorus of voices as I stepped through the door. Doing my very best not to cringe, I stepped fully into the room. Looking at them, I acknowledged them with an all-inclusive glance. "Hai?"

Three of them began talking simultaneously. Their voices sounded tired to me, dull. They seemed, in that moment, ancient and out of touch with the world. I sighed. "Haven't we already addressed these issues?"

"Hai, heika-sama, but we felt that the new dimension that has been added to them by the strange circumstances around the influx of people who have been moving towards the city..." The short man drew himself up to his unimpressive height and did his best to look important.

I nodded vaguely. Figuring I was listening to him, he strove forth into another topic, accompanied by a chorus of affirmations from those around him. I forced myself into listening, or at least hearing them, although, try as I might, I couldn't keep my eyes from straying towards the door.

My thoughts wandered too. Perhaps later I could speak with Nuriko again. I had enjoyed talking with someone near my own age for once, someone who had treated me like a person. The door cracked open silently, not crying out as it often tended to do.

I raised an eyebrow slightly as I saw a dark violet head peek into the room hesitantly.
 
 

I peeked my head in shyly, looking for Hotohori-sama. I hoped that the guard had not been quite so overwhelmed that he had been mistaken. But I looked up towards the throne and fortunately saw him there. I smiled in relief and something akin to pleasure as he smiled back slightly over the heads of his advisors.

I shut the door softly behind me and stepped to a corner to wait until he was ready to speak with me, keeping my head bowed slightly. I knew that the emperor deserved my respect more than most anyone else. I did not want to intrude, but it seemed rather necessary. Being useless is not something I enjoy.

Hotohori-sama glanced back to his advisors. "Recheck the records for years past. Perhaps this year isn't as abnormal as we think." I tried to not watch him, but I couldn't help but strain my eyes, wanting to see him, almost needing to. I felt him look briefly at me again and then away, presumably toward his advisors. "And if we could postpone the rest of this until later? There's something else I need to see to..."

I waited silently, feeling enormously shy, trying not to eavesdrop, but being forced by proximity to do so anyway. I kept my eyes down with a good deal of self-will.

I assume that the emperor gestured, because all but one of the advisors suddenly piled out of the room, glancing curiously at me, while trying to look as if they weren't, as they went. I watched them out of the corner of my eyes, then lifted my eyes up, gazing under my dark eyelashes at him.

I kept my voice low. "I'm very sorry to interrupt you, heika-sama." I took a step forward and dipped a quick bow.

"Daijoubu. Actually... thank you for the interruption." He smiled slightly at the obvious glare that he was getting from his chief advisor who was still beside him.

I laughed quietly. "Well, I'm glad I assisted, but that is not why I came." I paused a moment, thinking of how to phrase my request. "I have a slight dilemma."

He glanced at me curiously. "And that would be?"

I looked back at him helplessly. "What do I do now? Do you want me to attend to my harem duties? Does a seishi have other responsibilities?"

He blinked, looking a bit unsure himself. I found that odd. Wouldn't an emperor have supreme self-confidence? "There is no precedent of a court maiden being a seishi... so... I suppose we'll have to improvise."

I gave him a little grin. "Meaning...?"

He grinned back sheepishly. "Meaning that we make it up as we go along, I believe. What were your duties before you became a seishi?"

I lowered my eyes, feeling shy. How could he not know? We were his harem after all. It seemed odd to me that he never visited. Why else were all the royal maidens assembled for him? "Needlework... cooking... sitting there looking pretty..." I paused, thinking. "Mostly waiting for you to visit the harem."

His advisor mumbled something under his breath. All I could make out was something about that being a long wait.

I blinked and glanced at him, curious. "Pardon?" I asked, trying to appear innocent.

Hotohori-sama glared sideways at the advisor, who quickly amended himself. "Iie... nothing, miss. Something caught in my throat. Gomen."

I granted him a sweet smile, completely disbelieving him, and turned my attention back to Hotohori-sama. "As we go along, hm? So what should I do now?"

"What would you like to do?"

I frowned, caught off-guard. "Like to do...? I..." I knew I couldn't say what I'd like to do. I just gave him a helpless glance.

He raised an eyebrow at me, looking almost, but not quite amused. "Well...?"

How could I tell him that I just wanted to spend every moment with him, being with him, loving him, able to tell him so? How could I admit that I wanted to stroke his gorgeous long brown hair, to kiss his forehead gently, to whisper into his ear the deepest feelings I'd ever had in my life? How was I to confess that my thoughts were so often of him, how he was, what he was doing, how he was feeling? I wanted to give him my heart more than anything, but I knew I couldn't. He didn't love me.

I felt disappointed in myself, like an idiot. I was glad he couldn't read my thoughts. "Whatever you want me to do, heika-sama." I lowered my eyes in deference.

He leaned forward in his throne, looking directly at me. I could feel him watching me. "Your harem duties come second to your duties as a Suzaku seishi."

I nodded, still not looking at him. "Of course." I then spoke quickly, to get it out. "But Miaka isn't here right now."

He nodded, lowering his eyes slightly, taking them off me. "True..."

Idiot!! What had I done? What a fool I was! "Gomen," I said quietly, furious at myself. "I'd know what to do if she were here. I don't mean to remind you." I sighed softly as he did not answer me for a moment. I looked up at him silently. He seemed so sad, so young, so hurt. How much I just wanted to go up to him and put my arms around him, to comfort him.

I looked down and noticed I still had something in my hand. "Oh! I'd almost forgotten!!"

A little roused from his misery, he looked up, curious. "What?"

I gave him a shy smile, reached out, and held the flower out toward him.

His face looked surprised, but reached out as well and took the flower tentatively.

I was still smiling gently at him. "It's from Yumi the maid. You might want to thank her later."

He smiled back at me, laying the flower gently in his lap. "Hai... arigatou."

I clasped my hands in front of me. "Well... I suppose I should take it one day at a time. What would you like me to do now?"

He laughed. "Well, certainly not needlepoint... unless you enjoyed it that is..." He made a face, and I wondered if he hated it as much as I always had, and then suddenly wondered how he would know it to hate it. I stifled a stray thought and a laugh. Did emperors learn needlepoint too? He paused and thought for a moment. "I suppose..."

I glanced up, trying to make it look as if I were not, through my eyelashes again. "You suppose...?"

He leaned back on the throne, once again readjusting position, seeming uncomfortable sitting there. "Truthfully, Nuriko, I'd like to keep you close by. I value your counsel."

I suddenly felt my face color. "I... I... if you want... I... I'd be delighted," I stammered out, a little stunned. Me? A counselor? I... would spend so much time with him... was it possible?

I still did not raise my eyes, and kept my voice quiet. "But... it's a little unusual to have a... woman as an advisor, isn't it?"

His advisor smiled at me, his eyes shining with something I didn't understand. "Heika-sama is quite liberal about such issues, aren't you, heika-sama?"

I now raised my eyes to Hotohori-sama fully, a little surprised. Liberal though he be, women were almost never allowed on a council.

He gave his advisor a meaningful glance before he nodded. "Hai."

I watched the looks going between the two and realized that I was missing something rather large. I covered up my confusion by giving them both a quick smile. "So an advisor... meaning exactly what do I do now?"

The emperor paused for a moment, looking pensive, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him. He looked up at me after a moment. "Perhaps you could keep me informed and advise me on the goings on in the court...?"

I gave him a shy quick smile. Court gossip? Easy enough! "I'd be delighted to do so, heika-sama. When should I report to you?"

He smiled back at him, shaking his head. I forced myself not to glow with pleasure. "Whenever is convenient."

I grinned. "For you or for me?"

He laughed and I felt good again. Despite his worry for Miaka, he could still laugh. "When it is convenient for you, come... and when it is convenient for me, I will call you."

Still smiling, I nodded once. "I'll do my best." I gave him a little glance. "Should I make my first report now then, heika-sama?"

He nodded, looking a bit curious. "Hai... if there is something to be reported."

I gave him an impish grin and took a deep breath. "Well... apparently Yumi the maid is in love with you, as are most of the female inhabitants of the court, as well as several male ones that I can name." I gave him a little grin, wondering how he would take that. Miaka had told him that I loved him, but I doubted that he had actually heard her. He loved her so much, and there was no place for me. It was all right. I would manage. "Most of the others in the harem are jealous that you came and visited me... I'm sure they're plotting something to ensnare you... let's see..." I put my hand on my chin, thinking, an unconscious gesture that I picked up from my brother what felt like ages ago. "I suggest you have dinner brought to you tonight so that you aren't molested on the way." I gave him a naughty grin and waited for his reaction.

He blinked for a minute, looking a bit surprised, then laughed. "I'll take that under advisement... thank you."

I laughed as well, delighted. I could be useful! "I believe that is all for now, Hotohori-sama... at least all that I can think of right now." Before he could comment, I interjected quietly, "What should I tell Yumi when she asks about the flower?"

He smiled gently at me. "Tell her I said thank you."

Yumi was going to swoon. I nodded. "I'll do that."

He nodded back. "Thank you." He then tilted his head slightly towards the door. His advisor had been watching us curiously the whole time. I too was curious. Something was amiss and I didn't know what it was. "I'll let you go now... I'll expect to hear from you soon, though, ne?"

I gave him a shy smile. "Of course, heika-sama. I always have time for you. Just call me if you need anything." I bowed slightly and started toward the door, feeling his dark eyes on me until I closed it gently behind me.
 
 
 

I watched the door click shut behind Nuriko and glanced over to my chief advisor. "'Heika-sama is liberal about such things'?" I raised an eyebrow. "Whatever possessed you to say that?"

My advisor smirked back at me, his familiar face doing its best to look apologetic and hide a devilish grin that threatened to overtake it. "My humblest apologies, heika-sama."

Glancing at him, I smiled. "Humblest apologies?"

"I thought it was a nice touch," he said, smiling back at me. He knew I wasn't truly upset with him. Having watched me grow up, he knew exactly what he could and couldn't get away with. He had guided me through some of the rougher times in my life, after both my parents were gone. And like it or not, I needed his advice on many matters. I was stuck with him.

"You seem to be in better spirits, heika-sama." He looked at me, as though studying my features for signs of subterfuge. "Is that possible?"

I nodded. "It is, and I am." I glanced at the small flower that was in my lap. From the maid, Nuriko had said. I laid it aside on the table gently.

"Well, heika-sama... what will you do now? It appears you have a few moments to yourself..."

Leaning back in my throne, I shut my eyes. "I think I'll just enjoy the silence." I paused. "Or better yet, I'll go for a walk in the garden... if you'll excuse me." I stood. My advisor bowed his head as I walked towards the door.

Outside, the sun was still shining, although it had slid lower into the sky. A soft breeze was blowing through the many trees that lined the path on which I was walking. The leaves whispered among themselves, spreading secrets, rumors that would never reach human ears. I wondered of what they spoke. I laughed at myself silently. Thinking such thoughts. If I were to ever say such things out loud... Well, it was best that I kept my mind's wandering to myself.

I stopped beneath a large tree that sent its branches out creating a shady canopy. I looked up, watching numerous pairs of black pearl eyes peek out at me as the tree's inhabitants checked out the newest invader to their home. Leaning back against the trunk of the tree I sighed slightly and shut my eyes. Sometimes it was nice to just rest.

I stayed there a while, just thinking, enjoying the relative silence. But soon, I knew I had to return. They would be looking for me. And it would be easier if I went to them. I walked back to the throne room and stepped inside. My chief advisor was still there, sitting at a desk, writing something that must have been important, judging by the slow definite way in which he applied the brush strokes. He glanced over at me as I entered, rising and bowing. "Heika-sama."

I nodded towards him, seated myself in the uncomfortable throne, and glanced around.

My advisor walked over to me, stopping just in front of the throne. "Surprisingly enough there is nothing that needs your attention at this moment." He glanced out the window at the sky. "It's nearing dinner time... will you be taking that girl's advice and remaining in this evening?"

I paused for a moment, thinking of what Nuriko had said. I assumed he had been kidding about that part, but I had no desire to go out. "Hai... I think I will..."

Nodding, my advisor turned back to his desk, picking up a bundle of papers. "Perhaps heika-sama should invite someone to dinner so you can have some sort of company. It wouldn't hurt. The pretty child who was in here earlier would come, I'm sure."

I laughed. "You're talking about Nuriko? We're the same age. Nuriko isn't a child."

He smiled and nodded. "True..." He trailed off, but I saw the remainder of his words in his eyes. He still thought of me as a child as well in some ways. Perhaps, in some ways, he was right.

"Hai... I think I'll do that." I called out, raising my voice a bit so it would be heard. A short heavy-set servant bustled quickly into the room, bowing.

"Heika-sama?" he spoke, awaiting my directions.

"I'd like you to deliver an invitation to one of the court princesses to join me for dinner. The one who was here earlier, Nuriko."

"Hai. Right away, heika-sama," he said, bowing again, looking happy to be useful.

I raised my hand, dismissing him and he hurried from the room. I stood slowly, trying to stretch without looking like I was stretching. "I shall be in the dining room then, reading," I explained to my advisor who was already buried in his papers. I think he heard me. It looked like he nodded. Not really thinking about it, I left the room, walking towards the dining room.
 
 

I did not skip down the hallway. I did not start singing joyfully at the top of my lungs. I did not smile maniacally at everyone who passed. I merely bowed my head modestly and walked to my room, looking for all the world like a quiet, shy maiden; inside, my heart was soaring.

Advisor! Now I had to see him on a regular basis until he dismissed me! I tried to stifle it, but a little smile escaped to my lips. He had said he valued my counsel! I would do what he requested of me very faithfully, as best as I possibly could. I stopped in front of my room, leaning against the wall, just smiling to myself, quiet in my thrill.

A maid came out of my room, holding some clothes in her arms, presumable to take them to wash. I opened my eyes and glanced at her, still smiling. It was not Yumi, but it was a cleaning maid. I did not recognize her, so she was probably new. She disappeared down the hall and I slipped into my room, closing the door behind me.

I glanced around at my room and began to tidy it myself, disappearing outside for a moment to gather a few flowers. I placed them in a vase on a shelf and smiled. It was too wonderful to be true.

I turned my eyes to the window, gazing out dreamily. The sun was starting to fade behind the trees. I felt a bit hungry as I had not eaten since breakfast. Not wanting to ruin my mood, I remained where I was, leaning my elbows against the window frame, looking out at the darkening red- and violet-streaked sky. A light breeze danced past me, ruffling my hair and stirring my dress. It smelled of roses and water with a hint of supper in it.

There was a knock on my door. Startled from my dazed state, I turned to it and opened it. A man, shorter than me, but certainly not slighter, stood there, his ruddy face beaming cheerfully up at me.

A little unsure, I smiled back at him warily. "Can I help you?"

He beamed at me a moment more, then nodded his head, as if approving me. "You are Nuriko-san?"

I nodded back, a bit cautious.

He gave me another glowing smile. "The emperor requests your presence in his chambers for dinner. Will you follow me please?"

I blinked down at him. "Hotohori-sama wants me to eat dinner with him?"

He grinned and nodded.

I gave him a quick, bewildered smile. "Will you give me a minute then?"

He laughed, a low dry chuckle. "Of course."

Quickly nodding, I shut the door. I flew to my closet, digging through to find my best dress. Dinner! I yanked off the dress I had been wearing and gently slid on the other. It was a little loose. Apparently I had lost weight while running all over the countryside with Miaka. I hurried to the mirror, pinching my cheeks to get some color into them and grabbed my makeup. I lightly coated my lips, darkening them, and lined my eyes to make them look larger, just as they had taught me at court. I brushed my hair through and tied up part of it in a tight bun. I then reached over to the vase and pulled a flower out of it. I stuck it behind my ear, brushing a few strands of my hair out of my face. I studied myself in the mirror silently a moment. It wasn't perfect, but it would have to do. The emperor was waiting.

I reopened the door, tightening the sash around my waist a bit more, and he smiled at me again. For some reason, this man was delighted to have come and seen me. I wanted to find out why. "Nuriko-san, you look lovely," he said happily.

I smiled at him, wondering if I were blushing. "Thank you," I replied, trying to keep my voice low and maidenly. I quickly leaned over the railing as Yumi had, plucking a different flower from another tree. It was dark pink as opposed to the red-violet that Yumi had chosen, the same red-violet that I wore in my hair. He started walking and I followed the customary step-and-a-half behind that a woman must walk behind a man. I studied the flower as we made our way along the corridor and was surprised to note that it was a little rose.

He glanced back at me, smiling. "I'm glad the emperor has chosen such a pretty young lady after so long."

Now I'm sure I blushed. "It's not like that," I protested quickly. "I'm just an advisor to Hotohori-sama."

He laughed merrily. "Don't be so sure. He must think highly of you if he made you an advisor."

I kept my eyes down. "I'm just a seishi, like he is. He has to keep me nearby."

He laughed again, winking at me as he slowed down. "May I come to your wedding?"

I flushed brightly. I could feel my cheeks burning, but I'm not sure with what they were burning. Pride? Hope? Shame? Self-hatred? "No, sir, you don't understand-"

"Here we are!" he announced cheerily.

Flustered and with no other choice, I entered shyly where he indicated, the little rose clutched tightly in my hand.
 
 

I had been standing, leafing through a book by the window, trying to catch the dying light so I could read the words on the page. A noise at the door dragged me out of the story. I glanced up. "Konban wa, Nuriko," I said. He looked a bit unsure, or perhaps confused.

He stepped forward, his eyes lowered to the ground in what I had become accustomed to as a sign of respect. "Konban wa, heika-sama."

"I'm glad you could come... I hope I didn't pull you from doing anything...?" I certainly hoped I hadn't imposed on him. He looked different; a different dress and his hair was done up in quite a pretty way so that it fell about his face. Some people just had fashion sense I guessed.

He laughed and shook his head. "From listening to court gossip at best. No, I'm delighted to be here."

I smiled and gestured towards a seat at the table, sitting down myself. "I took your advice about laying low... it seems the more I show my face the more people come up with issues that I need to deal with."

Nuriko stepped forward. Smoothing his skirt under him, his delicate hands brushing across the fabric, he seated himself on one of the chairs. "It must be hard... dealing with so many people all the time. Don't you ever get tired of it?"

I paused for a moment but then nodded.  "Yes, but it has to get done. And truthfully in normal circumstances it isn't that bad."

Nuriko raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "Normal...?"

"The palace is in a minor uproar with the disappearance of the miko." I looked down and I don't doubt my eyes darkened slightly. I was still so worried about her.  "What with the rumors of Kutou having found their own Miko... everyone is uneasy," I finished explaining, my voice growing a bit quieter.

Nuriko bit his lip and nodded slowly, in something akin to comprehension. "And they all look to you for guidance..."

I nodded again, still feeling a bit subdued.  "Granted I'm not even half the age of the majority of them..." I shrugged slightly.  "I just wish I could reassure them a bit more... but I'm not quite so reassured myself." I forced a slight smile.

"About Miaka still?" His voice was surprisingly gentle as he asked the question.

Nodding in affirmation, I glanced at him briefly. "Yes, for the most part."

He looked at me, his eyes worried. "Hotohori-sama, I know she'll be fine. Don't you think we would know if she were not? Wouldn't we be able to sense it?"

I smiled at him as he stated aloud the silent thoughts and hopes I had been fostering. "Those were my exact thoughts actually..."

He flashed a smile at me. "Then it's settled. Unless we both know it, then she is fine, ne?" Still such reassurance.

I was somewhere in the process of agreeing with him when I noticed the flower he was holding out.  I reached out to take the tiny rose, a bit surprised.

"To cheer you up," he stated cheerfully, smiling at me again and adding, "That one is from me."

Smiling back, I glanced from the flower in my hand to Nuriko. "Arigatou..." I laughed lowly, a strange thought crossing my mind. "This would be the first time I've received flowers from a man," I said as I gently twirled the stem in between my fingers.

Nuriko looked down, going quickly silent. A slight blush had crept into his face.

Glancing at him, I wondered if I had said something wrong. It seems I almost always managed to say something stupid like that. Devoid of other alternatives, I decided to change the subject. "They should be bringing dinner soon, I'd imagine," I ventured, quite lamely.

"Hai." He spoke the word in a quiet voice and without looking up at me, continued. "I'm sorry... it just feels so strange to... be here. And have someone know." I watched him for a moment, wondering...

I smiled at him apologetically. "Gomen." Nuriko must have thought I was a complete idiot. I kept saying the most ridiculous things.

He looked up, his face surprised. "No, no! It's all right. Actually... it's nice in a way. I don't have to pretend."

I nodded in understanding, a smile that I'm sure was a bit wistful, despite my best efforts otherwise. "Hai." I could feel his eyes on me, studying me. I glanced at him hesitantly, shaking my head to clear it as I met his violet eyes. "I really am glad you could come though... You wouldn't believe how refreshing it is to spend time with someone who isn't old stale and musty."

He nodded, still watching me, his eyes not leaving me. Although I didn't show it, I began feeling a bit uncomfortable under that perceptive gaze, as though I thought he might see through all the illusions I had built protectively around myself. But instead, he spoke again, his voice still quiet. "Do you ever get lonely? I'm sure most people are somewhat afraid to approach you." He looked away from me, dropping his eyes. "I know I usually am."

The question surprised me and I found myself gazing at him for a moment, all words lost to me. "Hai... people are afraid, I suppose."

Turning his eyes back up to me, he just looked at me, silent, watching. "But you aren't frightening... you're so kind to everyone.

I tilted my head to the side, a habit I've become accustomed to doing when musing over something. "Maybe that's why they're afraid... I don't think they know what to expect of me. I-" My words were interrupted by the opening of the door. A handful of servants bearing trays poured into the room, quickly setting the food on the table. Nuriko kept his eyes on the table, looking neither at me nor the servants, for the moment, being the demure maiden they thought he was.

I kept silent as well, watching as things were laid out. In only a moment's time, the servants exited the room, shutting the door softly behind them.

Nuriko looked back up at me, his face strangely guarded. "Isn't there anyone that you can talk to then?" he asked, slipping straight back into the conversation.

I paused for a moment, thinking. "My chief advisor... he listens..." I smiled.  "But you may have noticed he's a slightly sarcastic, caustic man. Indispensable of course, but sarcastic."

He laughed quietly and then tilted his head to the side, slightly, once more studying me with those unnervingly bright, wide eyes. "What was that he said about you not visiting the harem? When he said he had something stuck in his throat?"

I nearly choked, but managed to cover it fairly well; at least, I thought so. "He has it in his head that I'm the only emperor who has ever or will ever be that doesn't visit his harem. I think he finds it amusing."

Nuriko smiled slightly and looked down yet again. "I don't mean to intrude... but perhaps you should. Not for... well, that... but we're all-" He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "They're all there for you. And some of them are lonely too." His eyes remained focused on his steaming food.

I watched him for a moment, thinking over his words. "Hai... perhaps you're right..."

Smiling slightly, he glanced up. "They'll be delighted to see you if you do."

For the first time I took notice of the food in front of me. Picking up my chopsticks,  I tentatively took a bite of the hot food set before me.

Nuriko lifted his chopsticks, tasting the food as well. His eyes widened in surprise. "This is good!"

I nodded, pleased he liked it. I swallowed what was in my mouth and was able to answer. "Hai... the cooks have outdone themselves tonight," I said, impressed with the food myself.

He smiled up at me, his face looking pleased. "It's truly excellent... will you send them my compliments?"

I nodded. "Hai... I will."

"Thank you." He paused for a moment and then spoke up again, his musical voice questioning. "Ne, out of curiosity..."

I glanced at him questioningly. "Hmm?"

"Is that what you do all day? Listen to them like that? What do you do for fun?" Those were not questions I had been expecting. They threw me off a bit. Partially because I couldn't think up an answer right away, and partially because I'd never expected anyone to care enough to ask me that.

So I blinked. "Fun? I practice my swordsmanship... I read..." I smiled briefly. "And when I can escape I just walk outside... especially on days like today..." My smile grew as I thought back on the sunshine and the breeze that the day had brought.

Nuriko smiled back, turning his gaze towards the open window. "It was lovely... but..." He stopped.

I looked at him waiting for him to finish his thought. "But...?"

He glanced up to me. "This would be the kind of day you would want to spend with Miaka, isn't it?" It wasn't a question. I could tell by his tone. It was a simple statement.

I just looked at him for a moment, unsure of how to answer. "Hai... demo..." Sadness struck hard at that moment,  I tried to cover it with a quick smile, but I'm not sure I quite managed. "I doubt she'd want to spend it with me. She has other... interests... and truthfully, I don't blame her."

He frowned at me slightly. "Hotohori-sama... you shouldn't think like that."

"Like what?"

He looked at me, worry in his clear eyes. "I'm sorry. I spoke out of place."

I shook my head. "Iie... daijoubu. You were speaking honestly. Honesty is never out of place." And truthfully, I did appreciate his honesty. I had to deal with half-truths and sugared reality from so many people.

He frowned again, this time not looking at me. "Don't be discouraged, please..."

I sipped at my drink, letting the cool liquid pass over my lips and down my throat. "Discouraged?"

"About Miaka." He still wasn't looking up and his voice was quiet.

I smiled slightly at this, albeit a bit sadly. I gazed into my glass, looking at my reflection in the clear liquid. My dark brown eyes looked a bit distant even to me. "I'm not..."

"I... I thought you loved her... I don't understand..." He looked at me, his eyes clearly confused.

"I do love her.... and she doesn't love me." I smiled slightly, still looking into my glass, pausing slightly for a moment before continuing. "But she has found love in someone else... and I think she's happy. How can I be discouraged when she's happy?"

There was moment of silence. Nuriko lowered his soft violet eyes, looking a bit unsure, maybe even a bit stunned. He spoke, his soft voice hesitant. "Are you happy then?"

My eyes finally looked up at him, away from my drink. "Why wouldn't I be happy?"

Still eating, he shook his head slightly, a confused gesture perhaps. "I... I don't know."

"Hmm... neither do I." I flashed a quick half-smile at him.

Frowning slightly at me, he turned his eyes back up to me. Even when I looked away I could feel him watching me. I glanced over at him, curiosity covering my face. I raised an eyebrow slightly in question. He smiled at me again. That smile. Confusing, mysterious as always. "You're a very complicated person, Hotohori-sama."

I blinked in surprise. "Am I?"

His smile grew into a true smile. "Very." He laid down his chopsticks, his dinner finished. "But I'm glad. No one wants to see you sad."

I smiled slightly at this but didn't say anything back.

He stood slowly, his long skirts swirling about him. He looked away from me and towards the door. "I should go... you don't need me wasting your time with my prattling. Thank you very much for the delightful dinner."

I smiled at him slightly again, a bit disappointed to see him going. "And thank you for the company. I appreciate it very much," I said truthfully.

He inclined his head slightly towards me and smiled a shy smile. "It's there any time you want it."

At this, I smiled fully. "Arigatou." I stood as well, picking up the delicate flower I had been given as I did so. "I trust I'll hear from you again soon, then?"

His face worked itself into a mischievous look. "Of course... I'm your palace spy now."

I raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Was that the official title we decided on?" Shaking my head slightly and sending my hair falling forward over my shoulders, I smiled. "Oyasumi, Nuriko."

His grin grew at the comment. "Ii yume, heika-sama," he replied, stepping towards the door. He disappeared out the door into the slowly darkening evening. He called out behind him though, loud enough for me to hear. "Don't let your flower die!"

I laughed slightly again and glanced at the flower in my hand, turning it over gently in my hand, thinking. I stood there for a long moment, letting my thoughts sort out in the silence.
 
 
 

I dropped onto my bed without bothering to undo my hair or to take off my dress.

Nothing. Nothing. Not a compliment. Absolutely nothing. Just... he loved Miaka.

I buried my face in my arms. Why did it hurt so much? I knew nothing could come of my love. It was foolish to torment myself further. But I couldn't stop. No matter what, I loved him with all my heart.

A tear escaped my eyes and I angrily brushed it away. Stupid!! Why couldn't I realize that love wasn't for me? He would never love me, could never love me. Only Miaka. Only ever Miaka.

I sat up and took the flower out of my hair, gently placing it back in the vase. I wasn't sure why I had even bothered to look my best. He hadn't noticed. I was nothing to him. I slid out of the dress quietly and arranged it carefully in my closet. I wasn't sure I would wear it again. I wiped my face with a cloth dampened in the little basin of water by the mirror. I glanced at my reflection, the sad, quiet face that looked back at me, the red-rimmed eyes, the disordered hair. I pulled on my robe and slid into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin tightly.

I had to come to terms with it. I had to accept it. He would only ever love Miaka, and I was not Miaka. I was being selfish to even hope for more.

It was actually interesting to spy for him, as I teasingly called it. He liked to hear stories of the court. It must have been an almost alien world to him. It was something he had never encountered, trapped in the life of a politician.

Several days passed in this way, my days shining brightly with Hotohori-sama, my nights darkened with my own personal misery. I never let him see that, never told him my feelings. My job was to bring him news of the court, to help his mood, not to be an extra burden to him. I told Yumi that Hotohori-sama was grateful for the flower and she blushed scarlet. He had the power to break too many hearts.

The other maidens had started to treat me a little differently because of my association with the emperor. I had never been great friends with any of them, but they were all being a bit colder towards me. I was slightly worried, as I knew that jealous females could be extremely vicious. I never told Hotohori-sama this either.

I was wandering down the hallway, twisting the end of my long braid in my fingers. My mind was mostly unfocused on where I was going, but instead was idling about how nice the gardens were... and how nice it might be to take a walk there with someone... maybe someone tall... with long dark hair... and kind brown eyes... and-

"DA!" A grinning face dropped out of nowhere and popped into mine.

I yelped and scrambled backwards, tripping over the hem of my long skirt, and fell down hard.

He blinked at me. "Anou... gomen nasai no da, Nuriko-kun."

I glared darkly. "Chichiri..." I started threateningly as I carefully stood up. I then suddenly remembered. "How's Miaka?" I demanded, lunging toward him.

He stared at me, trying to inch away. Embarrassed, I let go of his shirt, cleared my throat, and smiled weakly at him.

I tried again. "Konnichi wa, Chichiri! Any word on Miaka?"

He gave me a wary smile back. "Hai. She and Tamahome-kun are at Taiitsu-kun's place no da. Everyone is fine no da."

I grinned, excited. Hotohori-sama would be so pleased! I started to run to the throne room to tell him. "Thank you very much, Chichiri!" I called back happily.

I threw open the door, looking around for him. I saw only his chief advisor, whose name, I had learned, was Akito. "Where is he?" I called hurriedly, breaking nearly every rule of maidenly politeness that I had been taught.

He stared at me much as Chichiri had. "He's... in his chambers," he said, frowning slightly. "But he-"

"Thank you!" I called back to him, for I had already started running again, this time towards the emperor's rooms.

"Nuriko-san, wait!" the advisor shouted after me, but I barely heard him. I was too busy shouting myself.

"Hotohori-sama!" I cried out, nearly there. "Hotohori-sama!"

I skidded to a halt outside his door and flung it open.
 
 

Sleep was a long time coming that night and when it finally did come, it brought with it strange dreams. Faces swirled in front of my eyes and voices spoke. Some I recognized. Others were strangers to me and yet so familiar...

I woke the next morning nearly as tired as I had been when I had gone to bed the night before. Daylight danced through the window far too cheerfully and spilled across my face. And so I rose, dressed, going through my morning routine. A few days passed like this. The tedium of the days of decisions and worries about the country, about Miaka, passed uninterrupted except for the small breaks of bright cheeriness that managed to work their way into my days in the form of Nuriko's reports.

It had been a few days since the news of Miaka's disappearance had reached my ears, since Nuriko had become my palace spy.

"I think the tide of mindless boredom has just left you, heika-sama," Akito, my chief advisor, remarked as the last of a long line of advisors walked out the door. Not even glancing up at me, he continued writing in his careful measured hand. Even so, I could see the smirk on his face. "If you want to escape, I suggest you do it soon..."

I smiled slightly. "Is that your professional advice?"

"Always, heika-sama. My modest opinion, that is." He glanced up at me briefly to smile his wry smile and then went back to his work.

I stood quickly and began heading for the door then. "I think I'll take that advice then. I'm going to go change and then pay a visit to the harem, I think."

Akito coughed and looked at me incredulously.

"Not for that!" I said holding up my hands and laughing.

"I should hope not..." Akito murmured quietly. Ignoring him, I opened the door and walked towards my room, removing my crown and letting my hair fall down about my shoulders.

I slipped inside my room and out of the cumbersome robes that marked me so vividly as emperor. I'd wear something a bit less conspicuous and hopefully I'd be able to blend in. Hopefully.
 
 

"Hotohori-sama!" I called, grinning, but then my smile froze.  My entire body was unmoving, my mind trying to understand what my eyes were seeing.
 
 

The door was flung open before I could say anything. I looked up and found myself staring at Nuriko. I held my shirt limply in my hand, and stared at him completely uncovered for a moment, surprised and frozen.
 
 

It took me a moment, just gazing blankly, my mind completely empty, impenetrable. After a second, but what felt like an eon, I recovered. "Gomen nasai!!" I said frantically and spun around facing the other way, shaking slightly.
 
 

Realization sunk in hard. I whirled, turning my back towards him and wrapping my arms about my bare chest. He had seen. He knew my secret. Gods... oh gods... My mind swam, jumping from frantic thought to frantic thought.
 
 

My face was burning. Very quickly, I announced what it was I had come to say. "Heika-sama, I apologize for the intrusion. I came to say that Miaka is fine. She is at Mount Taikyoku with Taiitsu-kun."
 
 

As quickly as I could I wrapped a robe tightly around myself and turned back to Nuriko. Relief at the news was washed over by the apprehension I was still feeling. I tried to speak but my throat was tight and no sound would come out other than a pathetic little squeak.
 
 

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't accept it. This wasn't right. My mind refused to believe what I had seen, and yet I had seen it. "Hotohori-sama?" My voice was a frightened, weak sound, not like my normal tone. I winced at it and waited for the response.
 
 

Forcing myself to breathe, I took a hesitant step towards Nuriko, my robe clutched tightly shut. "Please... I... I can explain this..." I managed to choke the words out in a whisper. I couldn't believe this was happening. I could almost feel my world crumbling beneath my feet.
 
 

It was taking everything I was not to go over and hug the emperor tightly. "Hotohori-sama... don't. I won't tell. I promise." My heart was pounding. How could this be?
 
 

I nodded, a small trickle of relief working its way into me. Trying to calm down, I nodded a bit numbly. "Thank you..." I wished my voice weren't shaking half as much, but I couldn't steady it anymore than I had.
 
 

It wasn't true. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. "Just... I thought you might want to know. About Miaka, I mean." My voice still sounded nowhere near normal, but it was getting closer. It couldn't be true.
 
 

I nodded. "Hai... thank you for delivering the news." Normal conversation. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. He knew. He'd seen what only two other people living knew. "Nuriko..."
 
 

I had been stepping toward the door when Hotohori-sama said my name. Again, I froze. This changed everything! What was I going to do? What about Miaka? A little nervously, my voice weak, I asked, "Hai?"
 
 

I shook my head. What could I say? "I... I know this looks bad. But there are explanations... I... I..." My voice broke off. I couldn't... Why did this have to happen?
 
 

I tried to make my voice soft, gentle. "Hotohori-sama... you don't have to explain to me. You don't owe me anything." I took a step forward, then stopped again. "Do you want me to go?"
 
 

I stammered, the composure I usually manifested falling to pieces at my feet. "If... if you want." I managed to keep the desperation from my voice, mostly. "Just... please... no one can know. Please. Please."
 
 

I wanted to die. The emperor was begging me. Me. I was nothing. I kept my voice as steady as I could as I spoke. "No one will ever know from me, Hotohori-sama. I swear it."
 
 

I still couldn't breathe quite right. The feeling in my chest wouldn't go away. I had been afraid before, but never this badly. This could destroy me. And worse, it could destroy the names of my father and my mother who had died. I didn't know what to do. Nuriko wouldn't tell anyone, but he knew. If he had found out... other people surely could. I sank down to my knees as reality crashed through my illusions, driving the shards of shattered lies into my skin.
 
 

I turned my head slightly to glance back and saw, kneeling, the emperor of the entire country. And with what I knew, I was most likely the dangerous man there was. I couldn't even touch-

No... no... everything was wrong now.

I turned my face toward the door, stepped out, and shut it silently behind me. Tears were threatening my eyes and I had to escape. Everything was destroyed. My world seemed to be drowning and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
 
 

I heard the door click, but nothing of it registered. I stared at it silently for a moment, thinking. Forcing myself to my feet, I quickly got dressed, going through the routine, taking some comfort from it, from the familiarity. Angry. I was so angry. Not at Nuriko. At myself. My parents. My life. I was angry at the gods and fate, but once again I found myself useless. I finished dressing.
 
 

I didn't mean to start running toward my room, but suddenly I found myself there, tears streaming down my face. I let myself in and collapsed, kneeling beside my bed, burying my face in my arms. It was impossible. It couldn't be. I...
 
 

I stood, not caring what I looked like. My clothes were hastily put on and my hair was loose and wild. I didn't care. I stepped out my door, eyes dead to the world, and began walking towards Nuriko's room. I wasn't sure why I was going there. But that was the direction in which my feet took me and so I went.
 
 

Through my tears, I vaguely recalled hearing Hotohori-sama's advisor, calling my name, telling me to wait. I was such a fool. Why hadn't I listened? Why did I always have to be so rash?
 
 

I reached his door. I still wasn't sure why I'd come or what I intended to do or say. I didn't care. Gathering the small scraps of courage I had left, I knocked on his door, softly, hesitantly.
 
 

I was tempted to ignore it. I was very tempted. I looked like a wreck; I was sure my eyes were very red and my face hideously blotchy, but I dragged myself up anyway. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I prayed it was just a maid. I made my way shakily to the door and slid it open, glancing up to see who it was.
 
 

I couldn't look at him. Not then. So I watched the ground quietly. "I... that is, we... need to talk." My voice was quiet, flat-sounding. I was surprised at how hollow it sounded to my own ears.
 
 

Of course. Who else would it be? I dropped my eyes as soon as I saw who it was, and stepped away to allow room to move inside. "Shall I shut the door?" I asked quietly, my breathing slightly irregular.
 
 

I nodded. "Please."
 
 

I nodded back, a little afraid of the rumors that would start. I choked back a wild laugh. It could be true this time, though, those horrible rumors. I shut it tightly, then turned, keeping my eyes on the floor.
 
 

"You saw." The words weren't harsh or accusing. Just simple. A statement. There was no use casting blame. Any fault was my own.
 
 

I flinched. "I'm sorry... I... I..." What could I say? There was nothing that I could do to change it.
 
 

"I'm sorry you had to. I'm afraid you're part of the lie now." I looked at him sadly for a moment before looking away quickly again.
 
 

I couldn't look up. My chest felt tight. I just wanted to forget everything, to forget this entire day. "Hotohori-sama," I started, my voice soft and trying to sound gentle, "please don't be sorry. I... I... just..." I stopped. I couldn't ask that.
 
 

I smiled ironically at him. "Do you want to know why?"
 
 

Silently, ashamed, I just nodded, wishing I could look up.
 
 

"It wasn't my choice. It was made for me, when I was barely a few days old. Father decided it and Mother complied. She had to." I sighed slightly. "Only a man is allowed to rule a country, you see." I paused, unsure of where to go from there.
 
 

It was impossible... I couldn't accept this. "But... don't you have a brother? A half-brother?" I had my arms wrapped tightly around myself, forcing myself to stop shaking.
 
 

I nodded. "Hai, a half-brother. He was the child of a wife who wasn't my father's favorite. That was my mother..." I sighed and finished quietly. "I was her only child."
 
 

I nodded slowly, understanding. "So you were chosen..." I took a step closer, wanting to comfort, almost needing to. Keeping my voice gentle, I continued. "Who else knows?"
 
 

I smiled slightly at him. I don't know why. It was a sad smile at best, but still... "My chief advisor, myself, and one other who isn't at the palace. And now you." I looked at him, eyes studying. "No one else can know... if it were to be found out that... that I was a woman... I..." I broke off, unable to continue.
 
 

I raised my eyes to her, wanting to hold her tightly, keeping myself away. I did take a step forward. "Hotohori-sama... please don't worry." I tried to meet her eyes. "If you want, if it makes you feel better, after we call Suzaku, you can kill me." My voice was steady finally. I honestly meant my words. If she wanted me to die with her secret, I gladly would.

Thoughts were percolating through my head at the same time. Hotohori-sama was a woman... I was a man... that meant...
 
 

My eyes widened. "Kill you?" I looked at him, my eyes meeting his. "I could never." I managed a shaky smile. "After Suzaku is called, it shan't matter who knows. My job will be done then."
 
 

I watched her, my eyes serious, and took my sleeve and wiped them again, gathering leftover traces of tears. "Your job will be done...?"
 
 

I nodded. "Hai. Suzaku will have been called and the country will be safe." That was what mattered, what my mother had always told me. Take care of the country. Watch out for its people. And I would, no matter what. Even if I were frightened.
 
 

I took another step toward her. "The country still needs a leader." I glanced toward the window, almost wishing for freedom, but for some reason, not so scared anymore. It didn't matter what happened to me. "You're the best leader this country has ever had." I turned my eyes back to her. "Please believe me."
 
 

It surprised me, the sincerity in his voice. There were no accusations, no condemning. "A... arigatou..." I whispered out, still watching him, my dark eyes curious as to why. Why was he still being so kind? He knew my secret. He knew my life was a lie, and yet...
 
 

I lowered my eyes. "Ne... what about Miaka? You love her..." I was afraid I didn't want the answer. My heart was suddenly pounding with hope. A woman! I killed my rising joy by remembering how she must feel, and waited for the response.
 
 

I sort of smiled at this. "Hai... the emperor is expected to fall in love, ne?" I sighed softly. "And I do love Miaka. She's perhaps the one person whom I thought could understand me." I looked at him. "But now you know why I could never truly fall in love with anyone. Not in that way. And who safer to have some sort of love for than a Miko? A virgin priestess? Who loves someone else." I smiled a bit sadly, relieved at having finally just spoken it aloud.
 
 

I felt my throat tighten. Of course. It was still foolish to hope. I was still nothing. This really didn't change anything. "I understand," I said, for I really did. But there was something nagging at the edge of my mind... something...
 
 

I sighed softly. "Thank you... for keeping my secret. For not hating me."
 
 

I jerked my eyes up. "Hate you? I... I could never..." I stared at her in shock, wishing there was something, anything, I could do. She looked so defeated, her whole posture, and it was my fault. I said it again. "I could never hate you. I-" I broke off my words suddenly. They seemed so natural to me, but truly nothing had changed. I would never be able to say it.
 
 

I studied him silently for a moment and then brought my eyes up to catch his. "Thank you." My voice was a bit more sure now, although still soft. I moved my shoulders in a shrugging motion, feeling a bit awkward to say the very least.
 
 

I tried to give her a reassuring smile, unsure how well it was working. "Ne... I'm sure your advisor is looking for you. He... he might know." I couldn't meet her eyes. "I'm very sorry, Hotohori-sama."
 
 

I nodded slightly, straightening myself up. "I'll go to see him then." I smiled at Nuriko a bit, sadly, slowly. "Don't be sorry. It's over and nothing can be done. It wasn't your fault." I stepped towards the door, reaching out for the handle.
 
 

Something was still bothering me. Something... I couldn't quite...

I lifted my eyes suddenly. "Hotohori-sama!"
 
 

I half-turned, glancing at him over my shoulder questioningly. "Hai?"
 
 

I was frowning, the thought having solidified in my mind. It was hard, however, to force it out between my lips. "Well... when Miaka wanted to go home... I... well... we all saw you..." I stopped. That sounded terrible, but it would have to do. I hoped she understood.
 
 

I couldn't quite keep myself from smiling at that. The fear of earlier was quickly fading into a remote corner of my mind as I realized that my secret was safe with Nuriko. And he wasn't judging me. I was still surprised by that. "Hai... That was Taiitsu-kun's doing. She's the only other person who knows about me. Believe me, I was as surprised as everyone else." My smile fell slightly. "She's a master at illusions. Even I would have been fooled..." I broke off.
 
 

I gave her a little smile. "You are doing an excellent job. I think your parents would be proud of you." I stopped for a second, a momentary pause. "No, I know they would be proud."
 
 

I smiled back, feeling a slight blush threaten to creep into my face. I pushed it back quickly. It had been entirely too rough a day if I was on the verge of blushing. Too many things at once. "Thank you... I... it's nice to hear someone say that." It was nice. More than nice. I had always hoped my parents could be proud of me, but I had always feared I was failing them.
 
 

I paused, watching her silently a moment. No wonder she had always been so lonely... "Hotohori-sama?"
 
 

I tilted my head to the side slightly. "Nani?"
 
 

I gave her one last smile, sad, understanding her too well. "It'll be all right."
 
 

I opened the door and stepped outside into the dying sunlight. I turned around, back to face Nuriko. "Thank you." I smiled gratefully at him and turned to walk away, trying to keep my step measured and my pace steady. It took all my effort to keep from running back to my room.
 
 

I watched her go, my arms still tight around me. I felt light-headed, as if I had stood up very suddenly. None of this seemed real. Everything was dream-like, ethereal. I watched the long brown hair fade behind a corner and sighed softly, turning back to my room, feeling a bit stunned about everything. I, in a sort of daze, slowly went to my bed and sat, my mind almost too overwhelmed to think. A woman... a woman... it explained so much. That was why she had asked me about cross-dressing, why she never visited the harem. The way she talked about herself being so beautiful must have been her only way to feel feminine. Her role reversal had been forced onto her, so it was a bit different for me. But I did know how she felt, in some ways- the trapped feeling, the sudden terror that someone might see, might figure it out, the fear of the shame that we could bring on our families.

That was the worst- the shame I could bring on my family, innocent of all this. But I would never let that happen. I would die before I disgraced them.

I couldn't stay here. I had to do my job. No matter what had happened, I was still the emperor's palace spy.

Glancing at myself in the mirror to make sure I was somewhat presentable, I stepped out of my room, my slippers padding softly down the hallway. I was going toward the kitchens, one of the best places to pick up gossip. Just to spend ten minutes with some of the servants there was to learn more about the palace than most learn in a lifetime. I made my way to the secret alcove that I had learned to stay in, listening to the people below me talk about their lives and what was going on around me that I didn't see all the time.

I perched in my usual position, where I could see everything that was happening and no one could see me, listening intently.

The man's voice directly below me was rough, almost grating to my ears. "I hear it was Kourin's room."

I perked my ears up. They were talking about me...

Another voice added in. "He was in her room! I saw him go in. And she shut the door!"

I winced. I knew that had been a mistake.

"She's a little slut!" said another voice, female, indignantly.

"Don't say that," said another voice, one I recognized. It was Yumi. "Kourin-san's very nice. I just hope he makes her happy."

I blinked. Made me happy...? What on earth...?

Realization dawned. They thought I was going to marry her. I almost laughed aloud. If only they knew...

I glanced outside, or what I could see of it from my little alcove. I moved out of it, sighing quietly. I knew, if they were talking about me, every little twist and turn they would create in my relationship with the emperor.

Speaking of whom, it was time to make my report to him... her... Hotohori-sama.

Walking to the throne room, I passed a branch of flowers and plucked one off. Flowers always cheered people up. I would show her that everything was going to be fine.
 
 

My steps turned off down another path, away from my room and towards the throne room. I was still in complete disarray: my hair wildly cascading about my shoulders and the sash at my waist tied crooked. I really should have tried to assemble myself a bit better before I burst in on Akito. His eyes glanced up quickly from the page he was working on. "Heika-sama?"

My eyes must have betrayed my thoughts because the comment Akito was forming about my disheveled appearance in connection to my harem visit fell from his lips and were replaced by hesitant words of concern. "My god. What's wrong?" Akito asked, his voice altogether losing its hard sarcastic edge. He was genuinely concerned. It was so strange to see him like that.

I simply looked at him, drawing comfort from the familiar old visage that seemed so steady and unchanging. Akito had always looked the same and I supposed he always would. "Nuriko saw me."

His eyes widened, the heavy brows rising against the age that was weighing them down. "Heika-sama?" he ventured and I could tell by his voice where his thoughts were headed. "If Nuriko-san will be a threat to your secret... we will have to deal with her..."

I sighed. Nuriko had mentioned killing him as well. I couldn't do that. Not to Nuriko... but then again, I doubt I could have done that to anyone. No one should die for my sake, for the sake of a secret, a lie. "Iie..." I held up a hand. "Nuriko won't tell. Anyone. He promised and I trust him," I explained as best I could.

Akito raised an eyebrow, his quick old mind racing to some destination that I couldn't see. "He swore? You trust him?" He looked at me questioningly, the wry twist to his expressions resurfacing as the threat to me and my secret faded.

I blinked. I had said "him". Akito didn't know Nuriko's secret. Lying wouldn't do any good. Akito could always tell when something I said was not the truth. Always. It unnerved me to no end, but I knew better than to try to pull something on Akito. "Hai..."

"Then that means..." I swear his eyes flashed so brightly that the room was for a moment filled with a spark of light. "Nuriko-san is a man?"

I nodded, even though the question no longer needed an answer. Akito's eyes were glimmering and were he any less self-controlled, I don't doubt he would have been rubbing his hands together in delight. "Akito..." I said, my voice warning.

He turned and smiled at me innocently. "Hai, heika-sama?"

"Whatever you're up to... it won't work... so don't try it," I said, sighing and shaking my head.

"Up to, heika-sama? Why, I'm not up to anything. I'd never dream of being up to something unless you ordered me to." The laughter in his voice was more than evident and I do not doubt he meant it to be that way. I shook my head, a smile crossing my face as I sat myself down in the stiff straight-backed chair that was my throne.

"On a more positive note..." I began, smiling genuinely at Akito. "Miaka is safe. She's with the others at Mount Taikyoku. It seems everything is going well."

Nodding, Akito sat back down at his desk. "I'm glad. Perhaps things will become a bit more normal around here then. I shall have an announcement made later so the court officials can stop tearing out their hair." Shaking his head and laughing to himself, he went back to his writing and left me to my thoughts. He knew me well enough to know that all I wanted to do at that moment was think.

My thoughts came, winding me tightly in a web of worries I had to untangle, and so I set about working through everything that had happened and that would happen. I was pulled from my reverie by a knock at the door and a familar soft voice calling out for permission to enter.
 
 

I made sure this time to knock on the throne room door and call out before I entered, waiting for permission. I assume she was slightly busy because it was a moment before I heard her response. "Hai... come in."

I pushed the door open and gave her a little smile, keeping my eyes down. The flower was held tightly in my hand. "Konban wa... I'm here to give you my report."

"Konban wa," she replied, smiling back slightly, looking genuinely surprised to see me. I suppose she must have thought maybe I wouldn't be coming anymore. "Hai... your report."

Her chief advisor raised an eyebrow, not looking away from his paperwork, but I could tell he was listening. He was a sharp individual. I did not wish to ever cross him.

I stepped forward a bit so she wouldn't have to strain to hear me. "Well... everyone knows about your appearance in my room..." I flushed slightly. "And how the door was shut..." My voice was quiet, shy. "They're all talking about me..."

Her smile faded, replaced by an apologetic look. "I'm sorry... I know being the subject of rumors isn't fun."

I gave her a wry grin. "I'll manage. It's not the first time this has happened to me." And it wasn't. There had been many other times, much worse than this. Not many people at the palace liked me much at all. "It's just the first time that it has concerned myself and the emperor."

She smiled back slightly, looking as if she were trying not to feel awkward, then at me as if she were thinking. She remained silent.

I shrugged. "That's about all they're talking about. However, I brought you a gift." I held the flower out to her, almost shyly, my voice soft enough so that Akito could not hear. "Your second flower from a man."

A complete smile broke across her face. She reached out slowly and took the flower, almost hesitantly. "Hai... thank you." She laughed softly, looking relieved.

I nearly glowed at her smile, delighted. "If you really want details, I can give them to you. If you are finished with me, I think I shall go to bed." I gave her a little grin. "It's been a long day, hasn't it?"

She nodded and answered, her voice a bit sarcastic. "Hai, it has." She smiled again, inclining her head slightly towards me. "Goodnight, Nuriko... and thank you... for everything."

I suppose that the chief advisor thought he was undetectable, but the little glances he sent our way made him seem to try to be listening without looking like he was. He was no longer writing, his brush held still in his hand.

I gave her a little smile. "I shall see you tomorrow then. Pleasant dreams, heika-sama."

Akito stood up and faced us, bowing slightly. "If it is all right, heika-sama, I too shall be taking leave for a while."

Hotohori-sama glanced at him. "Hai, of course."

He turned and walked out the door, surprisingly quickly for an old man.

"Oyasumi," I called to her, then turned to follow Akito out the door, shutting it behind me.

She was left sitting alone, flower in her hands, gazing at it solemnly.

Akito was standing just outside the door. He stepped out almost in front of me. "Konban wa, miss." His uniquely sarcastic voice gave that final word a strange twist, full of things he left unsaid.

I frowned slightly, a little nervously, very unsure of myself because of his tone. "Hai... konban wa..." Without further words, I started towards my room.

He smiled. "Would you mind if I walked you back to your room, miss? A lady really shouldn't walk around alone when it's getting dark..." His smile broadened, a bit wryly. "And I've been meaning to talk to you... about a few things."

I froze, a slight shiver running up my spine at the tone and stopped walking. "H-hai... that... would be fine..."

He smiled and caught up with me, turning and glancing over at me. "Wonderful!" He looked to be sure that no one else was around and then clapped his hands together once, a bit like an excited toddler, but also sharp and final, leaving no room for argument. "So you know heika-sama's little secret now, ne?"

I flinched. "Yes... I'm... I'm sorry..."

He shook his head, holding up his hands. "Oh no! Don't apologize to me. I'm simply the emperor's advisor, looking out for heika-sama's best interests." He grinned slightly. "I don't see you as any sort of threat... on the contrary..." I could feel him looking at me appraisingly for a minute.

I kept my head bowed as I walked, feeling the scrutinizing eyes on me. "Contrary...?"

He shook his head. "Iie, iie... never mind." I could almost hear him smirk. "Thinking out loud again. I should really stop doing that." He glanced off, away. "Would you mind if I were completely blunt for a moment?"

I gave him a sideways glance and stopped, turning fully to him. I was just going to give up. He obviously did not want to leave me in peace. I leaned against the wall, my arms folded against my chest. "No, I wouldn't mind. What you seem to be thinking is interesting me quite greatly." I was desperately hoping he was not thinking what I thought he was, because I was sure it would never work out.

He was smirking ever so slightly still, but trying to hide it. He was also doing a terrible job. "And what is it you believe I'm thinking?" He looked like he knew he was being annoying- and that he was enjoying it.

I sighed quietly, lowering my eyes. "I don't want to presume, sir." I didn't want to play guessing games. I most certainly was not in the mood.

He laughed quietly at this. "That's right... presumptions can lead to trouble. Taking things at face value is risky. Take Hotohori-sama, for example." He turned and looked at me with a knowing smile. "Or yourself. Things are often other than they first appear."

I slowly raised my eyes, a bit stunned, looking at him wide-eyed. He knew...

He was still smiling sardonically. "Oh... don't worry. Some secrets are worth keeping. I know that better than most men." He lowered his voice, speaking quietly, secretly, to me. "Besides, things could work out better this way..."

I watched him carefully, my eyebrows lowered, worried. I was still praying that he wasn't implying what I feared. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "Only a thought I had... it seems that you and heika-sama are a matched pair... or something of the like." He brought his voice even lower. "You could give her an heir and still keep up the illusion that needs to be kept." He smiled again, raising his voice to his normal tone. "Well, as I said, just the thought of an idle old mind. I trust you can manage the rest of the way on your own... I'll leave you now, miss. My old bones are in need of rest." He bowed slightly. "Good night!" He seemed very cheerful as he turned to go.

I froze, staring at him. He had not, of course, disappointed me with what his thoughts were. I was not pleased about that. I kept my voice quiet. "Ne, Akito-san..." I lowered my eyes to the ground, no longer watching him.

He turned back, his old face looking curious. "Hai?"

My voice was soft, but it seemed loud to my ears. "Gomen... but she doesn't love me. If... she wants it that way, then of course I'll agree. It's duty. But... maybe you should think of her heart." I looked up once at him, then away. "Oyasumi."

He smiled a bit. "Life is a game of broken hearts." He bowed again. "Oyasumi, Nuriko-san." With that, he began to walk away.

I followed him with my eyes, silent. What he was suggesting made sense. I shivered and made my way to my room. I had dreamed about that for so long, but not this way. I wondered vaguely whose heart it was that would be broken this time. One... or both?

I shut tightly the door to my room.
 
 
 

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