The words were a constant buzzing, a relentless drone that fell unheard, or at least unheeded, on my ears. I really suppose I should have been listening to them. After all, they were matters of the country, my country. But I couldn't concentrate on any of it. My mind was somewhere else.

Miaka. Missing, run to Kutou. What could have possessed her to run off alone? She could be in danger. And I couldn't even go to help her, bound by duty as I was. Wasn't I in love with this girl? Still, I couldn't help her. I was useless.

Sighing inwardly, I raised my hand drawing the glances of those in the room, and, for the moment, silencing the droning voices. Thank goodness.

"Enough of this for now. Nothing of this is new. You know how to attend to these matters. See to them and report back to me later," I said, my deep voice slipping into that commanding tone my mother used to say made me sound like my father.

My advisors gathered their things in a flurry of motion, and bobbing their heads in hasty bows, they scurried from the room.

All save one, that is. My chief advisor remained behind. Perhaps the only one of them I trusted fully, I had known him since as far back as I could remember. He was the only one who knew everything about me.

Poor man.

"Don't get too frustrated with them," he said, placing a hand on my arm. "They're only trying to distract you from your worries, in their own self-important ways." He half-smiled at me but then it faded. "I know you're frustrated about not being able to go after the miko, but don't worry. We've sent the best men we have after her. I know it isn't much assurance to you, but she will be fine. Have faith."

I nodded, vaguely agreeing with him. He was usually at least in part right in most things, and this time was no exception. Dwelling on what had happened wouldn't help, and it was impossible for me to go after her. "It isn't right..."

"I know. But many things in life are difficult, you know that. Certain things are necessary. Miko-sama already has two seishi searching for her. And two others waiting for her when she returns."

I frowned. He was speaking of myself and Nuriko, of course. Nuriko... I hadn't treated him well when he had delivered the news. I had been so angry.... but I shouldn't have taken it out on Nuriko. That was unfair of me. I owed Nuriko an apology.

I stood, the long full robes of my office as emperor swirling around me with the motion.

"Heika-sama?" my advisor asked curiously. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to talk to Nuriko... to apologize for my behavior earlier," I explained, walking towards the door. My advisor nodded in acknowledgment, looking as though he approved the idea. Though I don't doubt he would have approved anything that would have gotten me away from my thoughts, from dwelling on Miaka.

Nuriko. I'd go apologize to her... him... Nuriko.
 
 

I wished he wasn't quite so angry. I already felt enough like a failure and his anger and hurt did nothing to improve my mood. Miaka was gone and I had done nothing.

I was in my room, my mood grey, sitting on my bed silently. The lucky bearer of bad news. I guess Tamahome hadn't thought about my feelings when he told me to go back and tell Hotohori-sama that Miaka was gone. It wouldn't have mattered anyway- I was the only one who could go. So I had told him and watched his eyes blaze with anger and frustration, directed at me, because I was the one who had brought the news. It would have hurt anyway, but I loved him, and that made the pain that much worse.

I stood up and walked to my closet, my feet silent on the wooden floor. I rested my hand against the door and pulled it open.

He had wanted to go to Kutou, enemy country, for Miaka, the girl he loved. How could she not love him? He was everything I desired, and so much more. He was kind, gentle, loving, sweet... perfect. And he knew I was a man.

I angrily tugged off my men's tunic then my pants, throwing them across the room onto the floor. It just wasn't fair! Why did I have to be a man? He could never love me because of that. So my love for him was condemned to wither away in my chest until either I died or I found a new love. I had never fallen in love before Hotohori-sama. I doubted that I would fall in love after him.

I took a dress out of the closet and slipped it on, feeling immediately more comfortable. No one at the palace besides the emperor knew that I was a man. Only the other seishi. I didn't plan on letting the court know either. I would not bring shame on my family.

I needed to do something. I was bored already. How had I ever managed to survive boredom that year in the harem before Miaka? I stepped to a mirror, taking my hair and unbraiding it. I brushed it out, watching in the mirror how it shone. I felt so beautiful and I wished he would see me and think that I was. All I ever was or had become was for him. Even just a little, "You look nice today, Nuriko," would satisfy me forever. I sighed, gazing at myself a lingering moment longer, and then turned away, quiet and sad. Without Miaka here, I wasn't a seishi. I was simply a court maiden and my duties as such had resumed. I sighed again. It was going to seem like forever until she came back.

I tied up my hair partially, letting a few dark violet waves trickle over my shoulders and down my back. I would have to see what was now expected of me, my harem duties.

I slipped on a pair of shoes, comfortable and gentle to my feet, unlike those awful men's shoes. I stopped as I heard a sudden tap.

"One moment, please!" I called, expecting it to be a maid telling me my new duties or someone visiting. I slid open the door. Dark brown eyes met mine and I took a step back in surprise.
 
 

"Hotohori-sama!"

He looked surprised at seeing me, but then I suppose almost anyone would be surprised if the emperor of the country showed up at their door.

It would have surprised me, had I not been the emperor. I managed to smile at him in a way I believed congenial, but then, facial expressions have never been my thing. I prefer to deal in words; things are much more definite when they're just said outright. "Konnichi wa, Nuriko..." I ventured.

He looked at me, smiling shakily. "Konnichi wa, heika-sama." The words were stammered out, as though forming the sounds was an effort.

For a moment, I considered how to approach the subject of an apology. It wasn't something I was used to. And so, I stumbled straight into it. "I... earlier... I reacted very harshly," I said, my voice gaining confidence and going at a more steady rate as I spoke. "I wanted to apologize for that. I was angry, upset... but I shouldn't have taken it out on you..."

I watched Nuriko, waiting for some sort of reaction. The surprise on his face grew. I suppose he didn't quite believe that the emperor was apologizing to him. "Iie, Hotohori-sama, you were upset... I know you didn't mean anything." He smiled, a warm smile, so unlike the political smiles that are often directed my way. "It's all right."

I smiled back, deciding that my apology had been accepted. It felt as though a burden had been lifted from my chest. Feeling a bit lighter, I immediately ventured into a heavier topic.  "Ne, Nuriko... Miaka... do... do you know why she ran off?" I didn't know why I was always so shy when mentioning her name. Was I afraid? I shook my head, forcing myself to pay attention to the answer to my question.

Nuriko had lowered his eyes and he spoke, his voice soft, almost hesitant. Did he not want to tell me? "She said 'Yui-chan' before she went."

I nodded, my eyes going quite serious, in worry, and understanding of the girl's concern for her friend. "Hai... I've been afraid she'd do something like this... for her friend."

Nuriko nodded, still keeping his voice in that quiet tone, as though he were holding something back. "She's sweet like that."

I nodded, trying to kill my frustration. "Hai... sweet... but also foolish... to run with no one to protect her... she's a stranger to this world..."

Stepping back a bit, he nodded, whether in agreement with me or for some other reason I don't know.  "Would you like to come in?"

It was then I realized I was still standing in the doorway. Killing a flush that was threatening to rise into my cheeks, I nodded, managing a smile. "Hai... thank you..."

He stepped back a bit more, letting me step into the room. Glancing around in curiosity, I noticed Nuriko had left the door open, most likely to discourage any rumors that might have attempted to rear their ugly heads.

"Make yourself at home." He smiled at me, but it looked a bit forced. "I think Miaka will be fine, heika-sama..." he ventured after a moment.

Grateful for the reassurance, I nodded in agreement. "I hope so..." I trailed off, wondering briefly why I couldn't be as optimistic about this as everyone else seemed to be.

"Trust me. And Tamahome and Chichiri went after her." He flashed another smile at me, and though this one didn't seem forced, it almost looked... pained. I didn't understand, but my thoughts weren't allowed to wander far as he continued. "With any luck she'll be home for supper."

I laughed a bit as I remembered Miaka's ardor for being on time for meals... and showing up anywhere else that food may be present. "Hai..."

"You'll be all right...?" he asked, his voice sounding a bit worried. That surprised me, confused me, and so as usual, I muddled my reply.

"Oh, of course I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be?"

Frowning at me slightly, he shook his head, his voice almost admonishing. "Hotohori-sama... everyone knows how you feel about her. You must be very worried."

I looked at him for a moment, appraisingly trying to figure out something that was nagging me in the corner of my mind. He was right, of course. I was worried sick about her. Miaka. Why did you run off like that? I shook my head. "I am worried, but worry has never killed anyone. I just have to believe that Tamahome and Chichiri will get her back safe and soon." Without me. Without my help.

"They will." The firmness and complete confidence in his voice caught me off-guard a bit, but his conviction bolstered the small supply I had been nurturing in myself. I nodded silently in agreement.

"You're sure you'll be all right?" He still sounded so concerned.

"Of course." I nodded. "I'm positive." I glanced at him for a moment, judging something, weighing it in my mind. I wasn't sure even after what possessed me to do this, but I did. "Ne, Nuriko...would you mind if I asked you a... slightly... personal question...?"

He tilted his head up and glanced at me. Curiosity or something of the like was swimming in his dark purple eyes. "I wouldn't mind..." His voice, I thought, lacked some of the conviction of earlier.

I frowned a bit, trying to figure out the best way to phrase my question. I suppose a moment or so passed because Nuriko began looking more and more nervous.

"When you... well... when you cross-dress... and people think you're a woman..." I began quite lamely, "don't you ever get tired of everyone thinking you're something you're not? Don't you ever want to just scream out the truth? Once and for all?" I blurted it out, the words coming easier once I had set my mind on spitting them out, despite how ridiculous they might sound.

He didn't look at me, but he answered in a quiet voice. "I want them to think I'm a woman, Hotohori-sama."

I blinked, feeling like a complete idiot. What had possessed me to ask that? "Hai... of course...." I smiled sheepishly, hoping I hadn't offended Nuriko.  "Never mind then..." I trailed off, glancing around uncomfortably.

"Why?" That one word pulled me from my thoughts. Nuriko was looking at me curiously.

I concentrated on not wringing my hands in front of me. "Because... I suppose I'd nearly go crazy... having everyone think I was something else. Even if I wanted them to... or needed them to," I finished, by that time, twisting my hands in front of me, a nervous habit I seemed to have picked up.

"I suppose you get used to it," he said, flashing a little grin.

I nodded, grinning back. "Hai..." I agreed, my tone a bit more wry than I had planned it.

He glanced at me, curiosity still evident in his wide eyes. "Why? Are you planning on cross-dressing, heika-sama?" His face took on an impish quality and twisted into a mischievous dark smile.

I choked and started coughing. "That'd start too many rumors..." Cough. "Besides I'd make a very poor excuse for a woman..."

"Whatever happened to your being so beautiful?" he asked wryly.

I grinned trying not to look overly mischievous, but, I imagine, failing miserably at that. "Oh, nothing happened to that... I am," I said simply. And it was true. "Just... I don't think it's in a feminine way... do you?" My brows furrowed, thinking that through for a moment.

Nuriko laughed. I was caught completely off-guard.  "Of course not. Beauty can be manly or feminine," he said, his smile and mirth fading slightly.

"Ne, Nuriko... arigatou."

 He looked at me, raising a ladylike eyebrow. "Hm? For what?"

"You've greatly helped my mood. Thank you. I shouldn't take up more of your time," I said, truly grateful for Nuriko's help in letting me forget my worries for a few moments.

He smiled at me again, that enigmatic sad smile I never quite understood, but he was so prone to giving.  "I don't mind at all, heika-sama."

"Thank you..." I glanced back as I headed towards the door, taking one last look around his neat small room. It was minimally furnished but quaint and comfortable, soft looking. I liked it. Nuriko was watching me, no longer smiling, just watching, his deep eyes hiding something I couldn't even guess at.

"If you truly don't mind listening to my ravings," I began hesitantly, pushing back a few errant strands of hair that had fallen into my face, "I'll rant to you again some time." Nodding my head towards him, I thought I saw the beginnings of a smile creep into his delicate features.  "Good-bye..." I said as I shut the door behind me, letting it click softly into place before starting towards my own room.
 


Just seeing how many people actually read our stuff. ^^;;
 

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