I stood before the mirror, regarding my reflection quietly. My hands strayed to smooth the slightly wrinkled fabric of the long outer jacket over my hips. The clothing was for a man, my normal attire, but I had tied the sash about my waist so that the curves I no longer needed to hide for the moment were evident despite the apparel. My hair was tied back loosely at the nape of my neck, but several strands had already escaped their captivity and swirled around my face. Turning sideways, I frowned to myself. My stomach had not yet begun to grow with the baby that slept inside me. I was unsure when it would begin to do so, but I expected soon. Still watching myself in the mirror, I retied the sash about my waist, readjusting the soft material. We would be traveling soon, away from this inn.

And I would be glad for the movement. Sighing to myself, I lay down on the bed. It was happening again; the strange sick feeling I had been warding off was washing over me. It made me dizzy. I shut my eyes tightly, willing the tightness in my chest and throat to disappear. I would not be sick. I refused to be. Uncomfortable any way I lay, I shifted over to my side, curling my legs up tightly to me. Maybe if I just lay still the feeling would leave. It had happened quite often lately, but never this bad. But then, it usually it did not strike in the middle of the day, but rather early in the morning. I breathed deeply, slowly, as the nausea grew worse. We would be leaving soon; this was not the time to be doing this.

I assumed Nuriko was still downstairs, talking with the others, hearing the plans for our departure. I vaguely thought that I should go down and join him. Another wave of nausea took me and I clawed my fingers into the blanket I lay upon, taking my frustration out upon the innocent smooth fabric. This was ridiculous! It was cold in the room, and despite the heavy clothes I wore, I was shivering. Frustrated with myself, I let out a soft sigh. It was unlike me to be like this, and I hated it.

Growing angry at my rebellious body, I forced myself to sit up and was caught off-guard by a dizzying rush brought on by the sudden movement. The nausea that had been nested in my chest grew worse. Frantically, I looked around the room, knowing what was about to happen and being appalled at it. I had not thrown up since I was a child. A waste basket caught my eyes and I rushed to it, just in time to be sick in it. I knelt there for a moment, unmoving, disgusted with myself. Still feeling miserable, I stayed on my knees, feeling the cold floor through the material of my pants, and just breathed, trying to dispel the feeling that still lingered in my stomach.
 
 

Tamahome was still slumped at the table. I nudged him gently, being very careful. He wasn't a fragile man, but his heart was right now. "Ne, ne, Tamahome," I began a little worriedly. "Where did you say Miaka ran off to?"

He lifted slightly bleary eyes to meet my own. "Taiitsu-kun said she was having girl problems..."

I made a face. Though I had never experienced them- obviously- the signs of pain that a girl endured were not unfamiliar to me. "Taiitsu-kun?" I asked curiously. "She appeared to you?"

He nodded dismally. "And said that Miaka told us to go on without her."

I frowned, but said nothing. My intuition was driving me insane. This seemed wrong. I sighed quietly. Perhaps afterglow had left me a bit woozy. I rested my hand lightly on his head a moment, then walked away toward Tasuki.

The ex-bandit was sprawled in the corner of the room on a chair, mouth hanging open, and snoring loudly. Seeing that there would be nothing worth doing here, I proceeded over to Mitsukake and Chiriko and sat beside the boy. Chiriko looked up at me and gave me a wide smile. "Konnichi wa, Nuriko-san! Feeling better?"

I gave him a small smile. "Much, thank you." My eyes flickered from him to Mitsukake. Our masked monk was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Chichiri?"

The healer gave me a small smile and shrugged, not bothering to speak. The answer was, however, apparent. If Mitsukake didn't know, no one would. I sighed again.

Chiriko had been kind to Hotohori. Curious, but kind. Tamahome... I wasn't sure of his reaction yet, but Tasuki's certainly had not been out of character for him. And the missing monk- he was hard for me to read. I reached out a hand and touched the boy's shoulder, just smiling at him. He looked a little startled, but then smiled back.

I took a deep breath and stood, wondering about the inaction, and moved back to Tamahome. As I was about to ask him why we were still here, the door opened and a wind-blown monk barred the door. "We can leave now no da!" Chichiri announced cheerfully.

I blinked and shrugged, and then started up the stairs. I had to get Hotohori. I wondered if she was dressed yet, and blushed slightly as my hand reached for the handle of the door to our room.
 
 

I was still on my knees beside the basket, feeling rather ashamed of myself and just praying that no one came back for a while. The floor was cold, even through the thick pants I now wore. I felt so weak, and I hated feeling that way. I had been forced to grow up quickly, and I accepted that, I understood it, and weakness was not a part of it. Shaking slightly, I remained kneeling even as the door opened. Nuriko's expression looked a bit pensive, worried, as he stepped through the door. "Hotohori, they-" He stopped suddenly, his already large eyes widening slightly as he caught sight of me as I knelt on the floor. He rushed over to me, suddenly at my side. "Hotohori!! What's wrong? Are you all right?"

Half-raising my eyes to look at him, I tried to push back the sick feeling that still lingered in my throat. "I don't feel overly well right now..." I trailed off, my voice quiet. I was embarrassed, having him see me like this. I felt my face redden slightly, but I doubt it showed, as pale as I'm sure I was.

His look was one of pure worry, and he pressed a gentle hand to my damp forehead. Even his touch felt concerned. "I'll go get Mitsukake... can you move to the bed?"

Slowly, uneasily, I stood, not trusting myself not to be sick again. The feeling still lingered in my chest and in my throat, a vague whisper letting me know that I was not free from its clutches quite yet. "Don't bother Mitsukake... I'll be fine in just a minute. I just need to sit still for a moment..." And regain my hold on myself. My hands were shaking slightly and I clamped them into fists at my side. His hands flew to my arms, guiding me as I stood up, helping me and holding me steady. "Are you sure? You can't be sick..." His voice and face were wrought with alarm. "I'm sure it will be fine, right?"

I nodded in agreement, pulling away from him slowly, angry at myself for needing help. "I'm fine, really." I sat on the bed, looking at him seriously. "It's all right."

He stepped back, releasing my arm and watched me, his deep discerning eyes seeing my every moment. He held himself back, knowing I did not want to need his help, but looking as if it almost pained him not to aid me. He bit his lip, unsure. When he spoke next, his voice was quiet, hesitant. "Shall I get you a wet cloth?"

I smiled slightly at him. "Nuriko... really, I'm fine." I opened my mouth to reassure him further, but my words were given no time to form. The smile on my face fell completely. Utterly devoid of any poise or grace of movement, I rushed past him, scrambling for the basket and was sick again.

On the fringe of my awareness, Nuriko stood blinking, looking a bit stunned before disappearing from the room, rushing down the stairs. He reappeared a moment later, dragging Mitsukake behind him. The tall healer looked confused as he was nearly shoved over to me. For a moment, his stoic gaze rested on me, before he turned back to Nuriko questioningly. I knelt by the basket, miserable with myself.

Dropping to his knees beside me, Nuriko turned a pleading glance up to Mitsukake. "Help her!" Gently, he rested a hand on my back, worriedly.

Mitsukake blinked, something in his mind seeming to click into place. "Hai... what's wrong?" He asked, low voice rumbling through the room. I just gave him a look, daring him to ask such an obvious question again. My mood was a bit foul, but at that moment, I did not care. Almost unconsciously, I leaned lightly against Nuriko, only barely realizing that I was doing that and not feeling up to moving when I did.

"Ssshh," his voice came softly, soothingly, even as his arms went around me gently, offering support. He turned his eyes up to the tall seishi. "I don't know! You're the doctor!!"

Mitsukake knelt beside us and cast a glance into the basket, managing to keep any reaction from his face. I sighed slightly, shutting my eyes, embarrassed, unhappy, and annoyed. Mitsukake looked over me quickly, his hands touching my throat and carefully feeling my stomach. I opened my eyes to see him smiling at Nuriko and me. "Morning sickness," he said simply, his voice almost amused.

Nuriko suddenly smiled and turned to me, nearly glowing. "Morning sickness..." His face shone with relief.

Understandably less thrilled, I sighed. "Morning sickness."

Mitsukake nodded, crossing his arms across his chest. "Perfectly normal. Everything is fine. It should pass, but it will most likely come again."

Smiling, Nuriko hugged me from the side. Carefully, gently, almost cautiously, his arms encircled me in a soft embrace.

Morning sickness. Even though it was perfectly normal, Nuriko thought it would be best if we returned to the palace. I had protested. It was ridiculous, catering to me like that, but I had been double-teamed. Mitsukake had agreed with Nuriko, telling me that it would only become more and more difficult for me to travel. We had parted from the others then, leaving them with the rest of our money and wishes of safety and success. It was some time later, though time had long since become blurred by the relentless days of traveling across barren snow-ridden plains and nights of fitful sleep in inns that all seemed the same, and none of them seemed like home. I was perched atop my horse, riding in silence. I had hoped to come across as being silently pensive, but I trust I mostly seemed to be sulking and annoyed at myself.

We should have been with the others. Protecting Miaka, Suzaku no Miko, was my duty. And here I was, miles away from her and traveling in the opposite direction. If anything happened to Miaka... or any of the others for that matter, it would be my fault. Mitsukake had traveled with us, because of me. He too should have remained with the others. It was not right. But it was the way things were, and so we traveled, the silent day turning to evening around us.

"Mmm... we've been traveling for over a week..." Nuriko began, breaking the uneasy silence that had enveloped us. "Is it faster on horse or by ship?" His tone was curious.

"It's much faster by ship..." I answered, sighing slightly. "But our pace is making it an even slower journey." I frowned. I should not be so short with either of them. Neither of them were at fault. It was myself at whom I was angry, and I truly had no right to take anything out on either of them. I sighed again, trying to let my feelings be taken away by the chill breeze that stirred my hair and clothes.

Mitsukake cast us both an uneasy glance, remaining silent and slowing his horse so that he rode slight behind us, seeming quite content to stay out of the conversation.

Nuriko guided his horse closer to mine. "Are we going slow?" He seemed a bit surprised and almost worried.

I turned my glance in his direction. I suppose if I had had my way, we would be riding at full gallop, day and night in the other direction. I sighed and shook my head. "Only slightly." I paused a moment. "We should have stayed with the others."

He blinked, seeming genuinely bewildered that I would suggest such a thing. "But you're sick." Concern ran thick in his tone.

Shaking my head, I held back another sigh and found his eyes with mine. "No, I'm pregnant... I'm told there is a significant difference." I heard the healer swallow a laugh.

Nuriko still looked worried. "You're the emperor... we have to take care of you." His face fell and he looked away, his voice suddenly distant and sad. "If anyone, I should be there now."

Sighing, I watched him before pulling my eyes away to watch the ground in front of me. "I'm sorry. It's my fault you aren't. It's my fault we all aren't." And that was true. If it were not for me, they would be there, with the miko.

I felt more than saw him frowning. "Don't say that." His expression suddenly shifted, and his words grew lighter. "Some things require two people..." He left it hanging and gave me a meaningful glance. I glanced back at Mitsukake and flushed. But I had to stifle a smile that suddenly threatened my face. I looked at Nuriko. He could always make me smile. Mitsukake seemed to mostly pretend that he had not heard what was said, his dark silent eyes searching the distance.

Nuriko gave me a gentle grin. "So relax. Everything will be fine. They'll get the shinzahou. I know they will."

I nodded, giving him a small smile in return, knowing I had to believe that, to believe in them. "Hai..."

We arrived in Kounan finally, exhausted from traveling. The pregnancy that had been unnoticeable before had taken a firm hold on me. I had put on weight despite the inhospitable conditions of traveling in which I had been living, and my waist was beginning to grow with our child. It was not overly noticeable under the clothing I wore, but I knew, I could tell. My mind was largely on this as we entered the palace gates. Nearly throwing the horse at the stable hand, Nuriko dismounted and ran into the palace, toward the throne room.

"It's so good to be back!" His voice rang through the hallways, a melody to the echoing cadence of his footfalls. He cast a glance back to see if I were following, which I was, someways behind. My mind flew through the things I could say to Akito. I wondered if he would notice. He had always been able to see everything. Every last thing I had tried to hide from him had always been found out before I had even thought he suspected. So of course I would tell him. But what would he say? He had wanted an heir for the throne, but even so...

"Akito-saaaaaaaannn!!" Nuriko greeted cheerfully as he stepped into the throne room. Lingering just outside the doorway and off to the side, I could see them, but remained invisible myself. I saw Akito look up, his eyes obviously searching for something and not able to find it.

"Where is she?" he asked curtly, scanning the room again as though expecting me to suddenly appear.

Nuriko glanced behind him and called my name. "Hotohori!!" He peeked his head just outside the door, grinning as he caught sight of me. "Coming, love?"

Seeing no other options, I stepped into the room, smiling slightly at Nuriko and casting wary glances at Akito. Would he notice? What would he say. These thoughts were nearly dislodged from my mind by Nuriko as he placed a quick kiss on my cheek. I watched as he nearly pranced over to Akito, his grin still etched across his face. "I bet you didn't miss us!"

Raising a whitened eyebrow, Akito watched us both with his typical knowing smirk. His dark eyes glittered with questions as he shifted himself in his chair. He looked the same as when we had left him, the same as I had always known him to look. His hair had long ago shed its dark color to take on a white streaked with silver, untouched by the grey that took so many others. Lines had only begun to touch his face, and were it not for his hair, he could easily have passed for a younger man.

"The palace was notably quieter, Nuriko-sama... but I'm glad to see you back." Akito paused for a moment, his eyes darkening slightly, lightened only by a small glimmer of curiosity. "But you're far ahead of schedule..." He left it hanging, waiting for us to explain.

Nuriko blinked and glanced back at me. He knew the reason as well as I did. The baby. His face was suddenly solemn. He would not be the one to tell Akito, I knew that. I looked at the older man, the man who had been the closest thing to a father I had ever had, and sighed slightly. "Hai... we are..." I said quietly, skirting the issue.

"Why?" he asked bluntly, his sharp eyes darting between the two of us. Nuriko still stood close to him, just beside his desk, while I was some ways away from the both of them. Akito's brush was still held in his hand, poised over his papers, already scarred with the slashes of his writing.

Nuriko's face colored slightly as a blush took hold of him, and he glanced down at the smooth wooden floor of the throne room. "I think Hotohori should explain..."

My eyes widened a bit. Why was I so afraid of telling Akito? "It's a long complicated story..." I said lamely. Did I fear what he would think? Was I afraid he would disapprove?

Akito did not seem to care how long the story was. Turning his dark eyes to focus on me, he studied me with his knowing gaze. "Oh, I have all day, please explain."

Trying to be quiet and indiscreet, Nuriko began inching towards the door for an escape. He glanced at me hesitantly after each move. I saw his attempt at fleeing and threw him a helpless, pleading look. I could not do this without him here. Taking a breath, I turned my eyes back to Akito. "I wasn't feeling overly well... and... well..."

Nuriko gave me a shy smile, finally making it back to my side, seeming to relax as he created distance between himself and my chief advisor. "Just tell him..." he said quietly, touching my arm slightly, encouragingly. I looked down at him for a moment, at his perfect smiling face.

Akito's words brought my eyes back up to face him. "Yes, just tell me. Listen to Nuriko-sama. He's wise beyond his years at times."

I bit my lip and tore my eyes from his, focusing them on the ground. Quietly, I admitted the truth. "I'm pregnant, Akito." The man I had known my entire life, whom I had trusted with everything and who knew my every secret, stared at me, his jaw dropped. A long moment passed, both of us silent. Perhaps the silence would have gone on forever, but for a small, soft laugh off to my side. Suddenly, Nuriko's arms were around me, in a tight hug. His face glowed with happiness.

"Well... yes..." Akito's voice seemed gruff, and for the first time since I had known him, I believe he looked flustered. "We'll of course have to announce that the empress is pregnant, Nuriko-sama will have to play the part... and we'll have to make sure it's well hidden with you, heika-sama. I'll have the clothes altered, of course." His words were too quick. He did not know what to say. He was unsure, almost nervous. I had never seen him like that. Not looking up at him, I simply nodded, focusing my eyes on the floor and feeling like a child being scolded.

Burying his face in my shoulder, Nuriko spoke quietly, his voice rather muffled. "You'll make such a wonderful mother..." He cut short a quiet laugh. "Or father..." I hugged him back tightly, so grateful to have him there, suddenly struck again at how lucky I was... to have found him... and to have recovered him from the icy hands of death that had almost taken him. Finally, I turned my eyes back to Akito, questioningly.

I was unprepared for the sudden smile that spread across his face. "Congratulations, Sai-chan. I'm happy for you." His sharp eyes went distant for a moment, as they tended to do at times, a deep sadness settling over them. This quickly faded though, never lasting more than a moment, and his gaze snapped back to the present. "I feel ancient, but I'm happy." I smiled back at him slightly, relieved and quiet. Everything would be all right.

In my arms, Nuriko suddenly froze, his entire body stiffening against mine and his smile being washed from his face in an instant. He turned terrified eyes up to me. I felt it too, at the same moment. I could not move. It was stifling, the feeling that washed over me. I could not breathe, or speak, as though something had been forcibly ripped from me, a piece of myself that I had not known existed. I looked back down at Nuriko, my expression mirroring his.

His voice was a horrified whisper, almost breathless. "Chiriko.." The name caught in his throat. It was not a question, but a soft impossible reality. Akito, not understanding what was going on, blinked at us. Nuriko's eyes widened even more, and he looked, for all the world, like a lost, scared child.

I nodded, shutting my eyes and lowering my head, fighting back the sudden flash of tears. "He's only a child..." My voice was strained. What we had just felt, what had suddenly washed over us, leaving us with nothing but cold dread and emptiness was the death of one of our own. One of the Suzaku seishi... Chiriko. I could not believe it. I would not allow myself to... and yet... it was true. There was no way it could be otherwise.

Shaking slightly, Nuriko buried his face in my shoulder again, trying to keep his feet and remain standing. "It's not true."

My eyes still closed, I simply held as much as clutched tightly to Nuriko. "Chiriko..." I repeated softly.

His voice was tight, strained, and filled with tears. "It's not true..." he protested again.

I did not answer him. I knew the truth, as much as I did not want to believe it. Chiriko was dead. A child... a friend... and it was my fault. If I had been there, or Mitsukake, or Nuriko, it would have been all right. And I was the reason none of us were there. It was my fault Chiriko was dead. My fault for not fulfilling my duty.

Almost violently, he pulled away from me, tears shimmering on his cheeks. "It's not true!!" He backed away slowly to the door, shaking his head in disbelief and then broke into a run, disappearing quickly from sight.

I stood silently for a moment, staring at the air in front of me, pushing back the tears that were trying to fall from my eyes.

"Sai-chan..." Akito said, stepping towards me warily. His familiar face was concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Chiriko..." I managed to say, "is dead..." The tears began falling silently from my eyes.

"Oh, Sai-chan..." he said, stepping closer once again. "Just now?"

I nodded, brushing angrily at the tears. Nuriko had run from me, and I knew I would have to go find him in a moment, to try and comfort him, and to find my own solace in him as well. I nodded silently in response to Akito's question.

In an uncharacteristic display of emotion, he hugged me, briefly wrapping his still-strong arms around me before stepping away. I looked at him for moment before smiling a small sad smile at him. I knew what it had taken for him to do that, and I was more grateful than I could have told him. But he knew. He was, after all, like a father to me. "You should go after your husband..." he said quietly, his voice lacking all sarcasm, all biting comment, ringing instead with that strange sadness that lived in his eyes. "You need each other."

"Thank you, Akito..." I said quietly, watching him for a moment more before turning and leaving the room. I walked towards Nuriko's room- his old one, knowing that's where he would be. But I walked slowly, allowing us both some time alone, to think, to feel... and to grieve.
 
 

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