I suppose I had not been expecting to see her so soon. I was so worried about her, but somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice whispered that she wasn't real, that she was just a dream. Just a dream, a left-over fancy from childhood... a wish for someone... an ethereal memory of a fleeting vision. I had dreamed of having her back again, safe, of hearing her light footsteps in the halls or her happy, free laugh breaking through the stillness. As much as I had hoped for it, as long as I had been waiting- but was it truly that long?- I wasn't quite prepared to see her step through the door or hear her cheerful greeting.

"Hotohori, I'm home!" she chirped, smiling as always. I could scarcely believe my eyes. She was back. Home. Safe.

I pushed myself off the throne and nearly ran to her, wrapping her in a tight hug. I held her closely for a moment, convincing myself that she was real, that this time it wasn't a dream. "Miaka..." I spoke her name and glanced up, looking about at the others, noticing them for the first time. Tamahome was glaring at me dangerously, unrestrained jealousy glittering in his dark eyes. I glared straight back at him, angry that he had been the one to save her, instead of me. Tension gave the entire atmosphere a dangerous feeling. I did not know what would have happened from there, because the hostile air was suddenly softened by the appearance of a well-timed violet ray of light. Nuriko rushed into the room and Miaka fled my arms. They chirped at each other a greeting whose words and meaning were lost to me. The two of them hurried quickly from the room, heads bent together in girlish chatter. I watched them for a moment before turning my eyes back to Tamahome, but he also had vanished, leaving while my eyes were turned, like a cold shadow fading in a sudden light.

Moments passed as I stood silently, watching nothing save the empty air in front of me. I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to get out, go walking... somewhere. I stepped outside my door and let myself wander. Perhaps the wind pushed me, or maybe some portion of my mind of which I was unaware compelled me, but I wound up just outside Miaka's room. Voices drifted from inside, coloring the cool night with emotions and words. They were arguing, Tamahome and Miaka. His voice rose, perhaps in anger, and fell again in despair. Miaka's voice was strangely level as though the words were forced out with no emotion.
 
She couldn't love him anymore. My eyes widened at this. He wouldn't take that. I had not expected him to. I listened for a moment longer, pictures of what was going on inside the room flashing through my mind. Stepping around the corner, I opened the door silently. I saw him, pushing her backwards on the bed, hands on her shoulders. My hand strayed to my sword and drew it, the cold metal sliding soundlessly from the sheath. In a blur of motion that I could scarcely follow myself, I had Tamahome separated from Miaka, as well as from myself by a length of sharp metal. He stared back at me, our eyes meeting, both flashing in stubborn defiance. Miaka gasped and started towards Tamahome, calling out in worry. Tamahome held out an arm, stopping her, his eyes never leaving mine. The stare-off continued, Miaka watching, her own eyes wide with apprehension.

"If you have something to say, Tamahome, I will listen. But I'll accept no excuses," I said simply, holding my blade steady.

"I'll give no excuses," he said, the tone of his voice matching my own. "But let me say this. I love Miaka. And I will not give her up to anyone for anything. Ever."

A half-smile flickered across my face for the briefest instant. "You have guts," I began quietly, "to challenge the ruler of a country."

He smiled back, that quiet secret smile I've seen on his face, on Miaka's, when they look at each other. His eyes strayed to her. I lowered my sword, still watching him. "I could not kill you in any case. You are one of the seven Suzaku seishi. But if you ever become just a man, then so will I." I managed the last part without a qualm. It's amazing how easy lies become after you've lived them for a while.

Oftentimes, they're easier than truth.

Miaka's eyes were wide and tear-filled; she had remembered how much she loved him and forgotten her reasons for being unable to do so. I smiled internally. "Remember, Miaka, I'm the one who loves you."

Tamahome shot me a look, but I wasn't watching him. My eyes were on Miaka's. She just looked back at me for a moment before her eyes turned to Tamahome, shining with that something.

I wondered if anyone would ever look at me like that...

Turning from the room, the last thing I saw was the two of them rushing together and embracing. Smiling sadly, I shut the door behind me. As it closed, I had the odd feeling that I was closing the door on something more than a room.

What I did had worked though. Miaka had found Tamahome again. She was happy again... in his arms.

I leaned against the balcony rail, letting the moonlight bathe over my face. My hair fell across my eyes in waves. I'm sure I looked wonderful, but for some reason, at that moment, I didn't care.
 
 

It was the next evening that Miaka returned.

I lingered in the doorway, watching as she presented herself again to the emperor. I watched as Hotohori-sama almost fled off her throne and threw her arms around Miaka. I watched her hug the miko tightly, as if she would never let go. And I watched the dark looks that passed between Hotohori-sama and Tamahome.

I sighed softly. Hotohori-sama, despite the fact that she was a woman, loved Miaka with all her heart. I understood- hadn't I loved Hotohori-sama when I thought her a man? It was no different. But it still made my heart ache for her because I knew Miaka could never love her back; at least, she couldn't while Tamahome was around.

Miaka introduced Chichiri to the emperor, cheerful, nearly bubbling. She was completely oblivious to the air of animosity in the room. I knew I would have to step in before Tamahome killed the emperor or the other way around.

I burst into the room with forced cheerfulness. "Miaka!"

She broke away from Hotohori-sama and ran excitedly over to me. "Nuriko, you're still being gay!" she exclaimed, grabbing my hands in hers and almost dancing.

Not quite, I thought wryly, but I said nothing about that. "Miaka, you're still being stupid!" I teased back.

I never really considered myself gay. Yes, I cross-dressed, but I had my own reasons for that. The reason I loved Hotohori-sama was for herself- it hadn't mattered that I had thought she was a man. What I loved was her personality, her mind, her heart. It wasn't important to me if she were a man or a woman.

I led her out of the room, both of us happily chattering about trivialities. I felt the tension in the room behind us, almost tangible. "Ah!" I said as we were still in earshot. "That's right! Did you get to see your friend?"

Her reply was unsure. "Well... um..." I could tell it was going to be a long story. By the look on her face, it wasn't a happy one either.

Miaka and I walked along the hallway. "Yui-chan is Seiryuu no Miko," she said quietly.

I looked at her in surprise. "What happened, Miaka?"

She didn't look back at me. "She... had a hard time because of me." The tone of her voice told me it was a little more than just a "hard time", but I let it be. "We're going to get her back, Nuriko. We have to."

"We will," I affirmed. I glanced down at her. Her face was determined, set, not depressed at all. That was good. I stopped as we arrived at her room. "Ne, Miaka... do you need anything?"

She looked up at me, a pitiful expression on her face. "I'm starving..."

I laughed suddenly and gave her a quick, tight hug. It was so good to have her home. "I'm glad you're back, Miaka."

She gave me a little grin. "Arigatou, Nuriko. I am too."

"Shall I get you something to eat?" I asked. I was a fair cook.

"No, that's all right," she replied, smiling at me. "I have my own food from home. Oyasumi, Nuriko!"

"Oyasumi, Miaka." I smiled farewell, and she stepped into her room, shutting the door behind her.

I glanced behind me and saw Tamahome storming in my direction. He probably wanted to talk to Miaka. I moved away from her door, silent, because he had not noticed me yet.

I stepped quietly down the stairs, moving out into the gardens. Everything was so pretty in the dark. Unlike my maids, I did not fear darkness. Night birds serenaded me softly, romantically. I settled myself on a rock, vaguely listening to the happenings in Miaka's room.

I heard her and Tamahome talking, then footsteps along the hallway. Her door creaked open and Hotohori-sama's voice floated across the night wind. Then a long silence. A few more voices, and then I heard someone step out of Miaka's room.

I looked up. Her beautiful face was dark because the lantern was behind her, but nothing could disguise the profile so familiar to me. She was silent, gazing out over the gardens. She looked so sad and lonely. Life is a game of broken hearts echoed through my mind. I stood up, getting off the rock, moving toward her, my feet quietly crushing the grass beneath me. I raised my eyes to her, standing directly below her, nearly hidden in the darkness.
 
 

The voice came from the darkness, a quiet, shy whisper, almost as though the evening wind itself were calling me. "Hotohori-sama?"

I jerked my head up, startled out of the eerie stillness into which I had settled myself. I looked around, straining my eyes to see through the untempered black. My gaze came to rest on a shadowy form, so familiar... "Nuriko?" I called, my voice curious, a bit unsure because I could not quite see through the curtain of darkness night had drawn.
 
I was sure he smiled to himself; I could hear it in his voice. "Hai, heika-sama." A moment passed and he spoke again, his voice sounding almost worried. "Are you all right?"

"Of course..." He sounded so concerned. It caught me off-guard a bit.

Another bleakly silent moment passed where even the night birds seemed to still their songs. "I see."

I was still trying to see through the blackness of the night, my own dark eyes sparkling in the effort. "After all, why wouldn't I be?" My voice was surprisingly quiet, and though not sad, it seemed to sound a bit wistful. Still watching Nuriko through the dark, I could almost make out his features now, the violet eyes and long flowing hair framing a face so quick to take on whatever emotion the wind blew in.

He took a step forward into sort of a watery shadow, the movement more audible than visible in the night. His face was turned down, not looking at me. "I guess you answered me before..."

His words confused me and I couldn't think of any reply to a statement I did not understand. "Oh..." I whispered the word out and leaned on the rail of the balcony, partly over it. I glanced up at the sky, my eyes watching the stars. Moonlight flooded over me, my hair, my face. It is strange... sunlight and firelight are warming, but moonlight is always... always... so cold... chilling... lonesome...

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him raise his face to me, smiling. In the surreal glow cast by the moon, the expression seemed so wistful. "You told me... that because Miaka is happy, that you weren't discouraged." He paused for the briefest moment. "But you never really answered me if you were happy."

I turned my eyes back to Nuriko, watching his shadowy form silently for a moment. "Happy?" I smiled a bit. "There's no reason for me not to be, is there?"

His voice was quiet, too quiet, when he answered me. "Akito-san has trained you well."

I hesitated slightly. "What do you mean?"

"You skirt answers superbly."

I laughed slightly, not really seeing anything funny. "Gomen... I suppose I do." I felt subdued, like something heavy, dark, and cold had settled on my shoulders, and I fell quiet.

He looked up at me quietly for a moment, no trace of a smile on his face. "I understand if you don't want to answer me. But that's nearly the same as a no, in any case."

"It isn't that I don't want to answer you, Nuriko," I began quietly. "But I don't want to sound ungrateful. I've grown up with everything I could possibly ever ask for. There truly is no reason I should be unhappy, and yet..." I sighed slightly. "I'm foolish, I suppose, wishing for something more with all I have."
 
His voice was amazingly soft. I was not one to talk to people like this. And yet... "What do you want, Hotohori-sama?"
 
"Something impossible..." I cast a glance back to Miaka's room where she and Tamahome still were, together. My voice was sort of soft, musing, not my usual tone. "I want what they have... But that can't be. And I know that. Still... dreams can't harm anything, can they?" They couldn't, could they?

He lowered his eyes and looked away. I must have sounded like a sentimental fool to him. "You want love..."
 
"Hai... I suppose that's it," I confirmed, both to myself as well as Nuriko.

He was still gazing off somewhere else when he spoke, his voice tight. "I... I wish I knew how to help, Hotohori-sama."

I turned my eyes back to him, studying his small form through the shadows. A little smile crossed my face briefly. A silent moment passed where I just watched him. "Thank you... but it really doesn't matter. After all, to think my needs had precedence over someone else's would be selfish." My dark eyes still watched his figure as best they could through the darkness.

His eyes turned back to me quickly, sharply. "Don't say that! You're an important person too!" He trailed off suddenly. "Very important..."

I was surprised. I hadn't been expecting such an adamant reaction. I just stood silent for a long moment, but finally I recovered my voice. "Thank you."

Nuriko lowered his eyes again, his face becoming hidden even more in shadow. "You're very important to so many people. Not because you're the emperor. But because you're you. Do you think Miaka cares about you because of your throne?" He stopped short, and it seemed there was something more, something he wasn't saying.

"Miaka is like that... she cares about everyone as a person," I answered him quietly.

He nodded. "Is that why you love her?" He looked up at me, his expression hidden in the nighttime darkness.

I laughed softly, feeling that at that moment my choice was laughter or tears. "I think so."

"Hotohori-sama..." His voice was tight, controlled.

Still leaning over the balcony, I tilted my head to the side slightly, looking down on Nuriko. "Hai?"

A silent moment passed where he just looked at me, watching. "It's not impossible... for her to love you back... if that's what you want. I'm sure you just have to be patient." His voice stopped suddenly again and the night faded into silence.

I shook my head. "It wouldn't work, Nuriko. Goodness knows you know that. And besides... have you seen the way they look at each other? Miaka and Tamahome, I mean. The way their eyes shine when they see each other. If he ever hurts her, I will kill him... but they love each other." They truly loved each other. I suppose I envied them that a bit, but I was glad for them, I truly was. Things like what they had only came along once in a lifetime, if at all...
 
Nuriko's voice rose over the humming of the crickets, tight and strained. "I know... I know..."

It was his tone that caught my attention. "Is something wrong, Nuriko?" I was concerned for him and I suppose it showed in my voice.

He blinked, the sparkle the moonlight created in his eyes winking out for the briefest moment, and looked up at me, a bit suddenly. A smile spread across his face, but it didn't look natural. "Nothing... sorry. Just thinking."

"Thinking... ahhh..." I did not quite buy that. There was something more. Something lay in the things he had left unsaid, things at which only the sweetly singing night birds could guess. "Ne... thanks for listening to me ramble. I really shouldn't impose upon you like this," I said after a moment and smiled slightly, wondering if he could see my face through the night's blackness.

"Ne... may I come up there?" The question rang through the night softly.

I nodded. "Hai... of course."

He walked to the stairs and climbing up, his soft footsteps seeming to echo through the stillness of the night. He stopped, neither close beside nor far away from me. "If there is anything I can do to help... anything at all..." He looked up at me, his eyes serious, clear. "Please tell me."

I looked over at him and sent him a smile. "Thank you... you don't know how much I appreciate that." Even I didn't know how much I appreciated it. I was unused to having someone to whom I could talk, whom I could trust.

He turned his eyes back to me, from watching the movements of the trees in the darkness and smiled shyly. "It's really not a burden."
 
I was still smiling when I turned my eyes back to the evening sky, to the stars. "Thank you..." I could feel his eyes on me, studying me through the dim light cast by the sparkling jewels in the night sky.

It seemed random, my next remark, but I couldn't stay in the silence any longer. "I don't think I love her like that... Miaka, I mean..."

Even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was still watching me. "Like... romantically?"

I nodded, musingly. "Hai... I do care for her... but it just doesn't seem to be romantically..."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod and something flashed briefly in his eyes. "I... don't mean to intrude... but... is there anyone you care for like that then?" His voice was soft, shy.

I had to think about that. I hoped... that somewhere there was someone I could love. Someone who could love me as well. I knew that someday I'd find that person... maybe. "Hai... perhaps." I hoped so. Mother always said that love was something that even the stars couldn't foretell. I looked to Nuriko for a moment, the shining stars reflected in his dark eyes. I felt for a moment as though I were still watching the sky. I sighed internally. Thoughts like that I was glad I kept to myself. So many people would laugh.

He was silent a moment. "I see." He spoke again, his voice dropping into something so quiet it was nearly a whisper. "I truly hope you find happiness, Hotohori-sama."

Laughter came to my lips at that moment, slightly ironic even to my own ears. I don't know why I laughed. Nothing was funny. "Thank you..."

He breathed deeply, slowly, a soft sighing sound that mingled with the night's gentle breeze. "Well... I ought to be going. I'm sure I'm going to have to entertain Miaka early tomorrow morning." The smile he gave me was small, almost sad. "Oyasumi, heika-sama."

I smiled back a bit, my feelings mirroring Nuriko's expression. "Oyasumi..."

He stepped away quietly, feet padding softly across the wooden floor. I watched him disappear into his room beside Miaka's. The door clicked shut softly. I stayed where I was, leaning on the balcony and closed my eyes, alone with my thoughts and the stars, listening to the soft whisper of the night wind.
 
 
 
 

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