Miaka.

I hear you’re sick.

I was upset at first, you know. That may surprise you.

Of course, I’m not now. I can’t be. I won’t let myself be. I won’t be weak.

You abandoned me. Why? I still don’t understand. You were supposed to be my best friend. You were really my only friend. Without you, I never would have met Kyou-chan and the others. But you never came for me. You left me here. I was hurting, bleeding, dying, and you left me here.

Maybe if you suffer too, you’ll understand.

So many tears. Every night that I waited for you, I cried myself to sleep. I would wake from that fitful sleep crying again, from nightmares. They were almost always of those men on me, touching me, kissing me, and--

Well, since Tamahome knows, you must too.

Tamahome.

I love him too, Miaka. But he has never looked at me and he never will. So you’ve doomed me in another way. You should be proud. I never thought I’d let anyone stand in the way of my dreams. But somehow, you are.

I wanted to die, you know. Everything had been taken from me. And so I took the small knife into my hands. I was afraid, of course, but it was better for me to die than to live like that. So I cut my arm, the inside of my wrist. I bled and bled. There was so much blood. But I lived. I fainted, and when I awoke, it was bandaged. I would have been happier had I died. And it’s your fault.

I believed in you. I told myself you would come for me. Don’t you know that you were the fragile thread that kept me alive after that? And you took so long.

You were my only hope of rescue. I needed you. But you didn’t come. Day after day, I was still alone.

It was three months, Miaka!

And then, one day, they summoned me. I was told to go to the throne room. I was almost numb from being afraid all the time. It was just one more thing.

And then I saw you and you dropped your bag and ran to hug me. You held me so tightly and I was so happy. Nakago had been wrong. You had come for me. And all I could do was cry.

I cry now too, remembering. How happy I was.

I promised you I’d get the scroll. I was so, so happy. How much I believed in you, trusted you, loved you. And so I ran off and, like I promised, I got it.

But something stopped me. I heard you speaking. And Tamahome’s voice. Gentle but firm. And then you again.

You had not come back for me.

You had come back for him.

I doubt you’ll ever know how painful it is to have the one person in your life, the one you loved most, the only one you’ve ever considered a true friend say that she does not care for you.

What can Tamahome possibly see in you? You’re so selfish. Did you tolerate me all those years just to study with me? I know I’m reasonably smart. I should have seen that before now. What a fool I am. How cold you are.

And after you had ripped me heart out of my chest and crushed it in your bare hand, you kissed him.

It took a long time for me to remember how to breathe. I was too hurt to even cry. That was good though-- I fooled you. You were completely oblivious to my agony. I just walked right in when you two were done. And then I said I wanted to show you something.

You held onto my arm. It was an impressive charade. I would never have expected you to be so good at hiding your true feelings, but, of course, you had been lying to me the entire time we had been together.

And then I was sure. Utterly, completely, deadly sure.

I led you into the shrine.

It took a few moments for you to feel the pain. You always were thick, Miaka. I studied the statue of Seiryuu for a while. Blue is such a lovely color. I waited until I heard you fall.

I knew it hurt so I said so. I hated you. You betrayed me.

You asked me if it were a joke.

How those words hurt me. My crushed heart burned, flames licking it slowly, agonizingly. The tears started to fall. I didn’t mean to cry. I just wanted you to suffer. I wanted you to hurt every iota you had hurt me.

Traitor. You traitor. Go to the same high school, you said. Of course, it doesn’t matter now. I can never go home. I can never face my mother again. They handled me any way they wanted. But what do you care?

But I see now that I can’t die yet. I owe too many people too much. When I’m done, I will die, and I’ll do it right this time. But you changed my heart. As much as I loved you, you made me hate. The same amount. I hope you are happy. This is what you wanted.

Nakago is the only one I can trust now. I suppose I ought to thank you for my happy childhood, but it is stained with dark lies now.

I should be used to being alone by now.

I did think of you as my best friend. I never loved anyone else more.

I won’t lose.
 
 

Good-bye, Miaka.
 
 

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