A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first. Then, finally, she says, "You."
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".
The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".
Clinton got off his plane, followed by a pig. The Marine saluted smartly and said "Good Morning, Mr. President. Nice pig." Clinton said: "I am from Arkansas. It is a razorback." The Marine again saluted smartly and said "Good morning, Mr. President. Nice Razorback." Clinton replied: "I got it for Hilary." The Marine again saluted smartly and said: "Good morning, Mr. President. Good trade."
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow.
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
A nun comes out of a building and hails a cab. The cab driver pulls over and she gets in. He asks her where she's going and she responds by saying, "I'm headed to 682 West Haven Road." The cab driver says, "Well that's a long way off. So do you mind if we talk?" The nun says, "No not at all." The cab driver says, "So sister, do you ever think of well, you know, doing it?" "Well, yes. The thought has crossed my mind." Then the cab driver says, "And what would the circumstances have to be, to do it." The nun says, "Well he would have to be unmarried, have no children, and be a Christian." "Well this is your lucky day sister. I'm all those things. You wouldn't have to break any vows or anything, you'd just have to go down on me." The nun looks out the window and realizes that they are out in a very rural area and no one was really around to see them. So the nun hops into the front seat and ten minutes later hops into the back seat. The cab driver now has a huge ear to ear grin on his face. And as they arrive at the house he says, "Hey sister I lied to you, I'm married, I have six kids, and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "Well that's okay. I lied too. My name is Bob and I'm headed to a costume party."
Radio #1: Unknown vessel. We see your light. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Radio #2: Unknown vessel. Can't do. I recommend you divert *your* course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Radio #1: Unknown vessel. This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert *your* course.
Radio #2: No. I say again, you need to divert *your* course.
Radio #1: UNKNOWN VESSEL. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Radio #2: Enterprise, this is a lighthouse. Your call.
A three year old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens... On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,.....
"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?"...His mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, "he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
The man was sitting in the bar when a sweet thing came in and sat down. After awhile she moved over and was sitting next to the man. She said that she would do absolutely anything he wanted, no matter how kinky. The only thing was that he had to ask her in three words. The man thought a minute, pulled out five $20 bills -- handed them to the gal and said --
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." The following information will allow you to handle the situation! Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, The fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee Deep in Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva, and Bull.
Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a strange son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable through childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
|
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with
me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill
effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large
helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home
he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table
and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel
another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,
the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned
and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his
leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.
To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and
keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next
10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
An attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a word.
The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers. The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her boobs!
The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!!
A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver, and says, "Tom, I've been riding your bus for quite a few years now and I've never seen anything as vulgar as this! I'm going to have to ride a different route!"Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies, "You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th. street, I said, "no, 10th street." She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said, "shit, I'm on the wrong bus" and left!
Tom has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Hiram,Maine...as far from humanity as possible. Tom sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it is total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Mainer standing there.
"Name's Enoch... yoah neighbah from ovah the ridge... Havin' a pahty
Satahday....thought you might like to come."
"Great!" says Tom "After six months of this, I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving, he stops and says "Gotta warn you that theyah's
gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem, after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that
with the best of them." says Tom.
Again, as Enoch starts to leave, he stops and says "More n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too!"
Damn, Tom thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be
there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch starts to go and turns back.
"I've seen some wild sex at these pahties too!"
"Now that's not a problem." says Tom, "Remember, I've been alone for
six months. I'll definitely be there!! By the way,
what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch says "Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us!!"
Did you hear about the gay guy that put a nicotine patch on his dick?
Now he's down to two butts a day!
|
"This is hilarious .... It comes from an E-mail sent by a
secretary.
PLEASE PLEASE please please please!! -- I am begging here -- keep any and all
paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the
last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the
innards of the copier.
PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially
the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
Thanks for your help."
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we
returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never
heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come
get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
There was a blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh, I'm still winning!"
A Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair..... One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.... He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet, then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by.... One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye, "See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome build, I wonder if it's true what they dont wear beneath the kilt."
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be. Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see, and there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish shirt.......
Twas nothin more that God had graced him with upon his birth.... They marveled for a while, then one said, "we must be gone."
"Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along"
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into bow around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift then show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward a tree. Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, "Oh, Lad I dont' know where ya' been, but I see ya' won first prize!"
***This is a true story!!*** In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.
It's the Spring of 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He is a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?", he says. "That's cool", says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the
soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two
go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes
as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's father to repeat it. "Yeah",
says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if
we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she is ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front
door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her and screams at her father,
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS
USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND
LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN
FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING
SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A
DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
.....TOOTHBRUSH.........
What were you thinking?
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes,he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?" "Sure", says the farmer,"come on in." The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat,I want to see her twat!"
The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that... ........I'd like to thee her gallop!"
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St.Peter.
"OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was doing two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, you may go."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, you may go."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies,"Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, you may go!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
ONe evening a man goes out for his run........after a couple of miles he notices that he has to go poop......he's to far from home, so he starts looking around for a secluded place in which to do the job!....... He starts to pass by a house with lots of trees in the front yard....he picks one with over hanging branches and squats...... Just as he finishes he notices a beautiful woman standing in the doorway of the house wearing a silky night gown...... She motions for him to come to her......he does.... she says...."I couldn't help but notice what a nice set of balls you have, may I touch them?" delighted.....the man agrees "well ok" She slowly lowers his running shorts, looking at him seductively.. she takes a ball in each hand and exclaims...."OH, these are very nice indeed!"....she gives each a gentle rub and the man smiles with pride.... then her grip gets firmer..... With a ball in each hand she yanks downward and says.......... "Dont........You.......Ever.......Shit......In.....My.......Yard..... Again!!!!!
So this guy goes into this bar in Wyoming and sits up at the counter and orders a beer. All of a sudden a T.V. special comes on and it's the President of the United States.
The guy at the bar say's (out loud) "Oh what a horse's ass". The guy next to him cold cocks him in the face and he falls to the floor. A bit dazed he sits back at his stool and doesn't say anything.
Then Hillary Clinton comes on the T.V. and he again says out loud, "Oh what a horse's ass." The same guy next to him cold cocks him and lays him out on he floor again.
So the guy gets up on his stool again and looks at the guy next to him and says " Boy this must be Clinton country!!!!"
The guy next to him says "No this is horse country
NAME: Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:...Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches,depending on its mood and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS:...This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in thelower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT:...Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE:...Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *
TOURNIQUET:....Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:....This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND:.....This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,
"Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific. "The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow,that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts,too."Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The follow morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while and then they turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing her, I figured sis might be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath...His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the edge of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt REALLY HOT! Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 10" long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off, all of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a Hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend gotup, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. But by golly, that eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are something like cats- they have nine lives or something! This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel! I knew it was dead this time, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet!
Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn't go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the She began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yep, you got it.
She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backwards, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere was still bare, her pants down around her knees. She was picking up speed all the while, and continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.
So, how'd you break your arm?"
It seems there was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything!!
After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She said "While in town, I found a little foil package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said "keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease", and you know I think it works, I haven't had a cold all winter."
One day sheriff sees BillyBob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.. The sheriff says "BillyBob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
Sheriff says that he isn't in a hurry and that BillyBob should tell the story......
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well MaryLou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then MaryLou lay on the ground and opened here legs and said "Billy-Bob, go to town."
A married couple were outside doing yardwork and gardening and stuff. They've been outside for a while so the woman decides to take a break and go have a shower. While she's in the shower the guy starts looking around for the rake but he can't find it. SO he yells to his wife that he needs the rake. She yells back "What I can't hear you" so he tries to show her....he points at his eye(I) grabs his knee (need) and does a raking motion(rake).
He repeats it a few times until she nods her head that she understands.
Then she points at her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her butt and rubs her crotch.
The guy has no idea what she's trying to say but it gets him quite aroused. SO he runs into the house and up the stairs and into the bathroom and asks his wife what she was saying. She says "I left tit behind the bush"
******************(Typographical Errors)***************
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
6) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
34) The associate pastor unveiled his new tithing program to the church. It is entitled, I upped my pledge, up yours!
35) A bean supper will be held saturday night at 7pm, music to follow.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get .... screwed."
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Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room. If it Messes up your stuff. If it Eats your food. If it uses your telephone. If it takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place. A. You either married it. .....OR...... B. You gave birth to it! |
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on the front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF ***
She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear. "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their
hotel and the bride said to her new groom,
"Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at
least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked
his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'"
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said,'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, design, and implement a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ----OH God! I miss him!
So now that I've married a lawyer, I know I'm going to get screwed!!!"
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.
I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
