One of the ways people waste their minds is in the endless tape loops of negative emotions. You know, the worrying, arguing and complaining that keeps repeating in our heads like a broken record. Shakti Gawain explains that they really aren’t negative; we just make them negative by repressing them. She said "That’s a very dangerous thing to do... That’s how we get stuck. So I’m very much a believer in accepting all of your feelings... and that involves feeling your sadness, feeling your anger, feeling your grief, feeling your fear, all of those things... We do this in order to heal ourselves and get in touch with our selves."

Your journal is a safe place to express your feelings. Writing out your angry, sad, fearful or guilty feelings can give you a tremendous sense of relief, and lessen the urge to express these feelings with words and actions. I call this writing a healing letter. The first time I wrote a healing letter was when I attended John Gray’s Heart to Heart workshop in 1983. At the time, he called them "love letters" and later, in his books, "feeling letters." I didn't think it would help me much. But I was surprised, when I actually sat down and wrote it, at how much better I felt immediately. While it’s nice to be understood by someone else, and it is nice to be able to make a point in an argument with someone, a healing letter is only written for you. It releases the thoughts and feelings that you have stored in your heart, and lets you move on with your life. It is truly a gift you give yourself.

The beauty of healing letters is that they give you the opportunity to express everything you have been holding in your heart, what you have left unsaid. In our lives, there are many times when we leave things unsaid. Sometimes, it’s because we can't think of a good response at the time. At other times, it’s because the person left without giving us a chance to respond. And there are times we don’t think our opinion is worth speaking, or we don’t want to burden someone who already has enough on his or her mind. Whatever the reason, we often find that we have something to say to someone, but that person isn't available.

You can write healing letters to any person. It doesn't matter if they are dead, if they don't want to talk to you, or if you have lost touch with them, because you don’t send the letter to them. The person could be someone you've never met, like an ex-president or it could be a group, like the faceless bureaucracy of a government agency. The person might be someone who is part of your daily life, who you would never hurt by expressing your unbridled feelings. By writing out your feelings, you allow yourself to release them without dumping on the other person.

I suggest you write a healing letter whenever you’re angry. It will help you to release your anger and associated sadness, fear and remorse. Don't let these feelings build up inside of you. It reduces your ability to love with your whole heart and limits your capacity for joy! John Gray writes that "The purpose of a feeling letter is not to dump resentment, judgement, and criticism on your partner. It is not written to try to change them or correct them, nor to point out their inadequacies. If used in this way, it will not work. The feeling letter works only when it is written for you to feel more loving."

Now, you may have several people in mind to whom you want to write a healing letter. For example, a parent, sibling or spouse or ex-spouse who has hurt you. Or somebody like a friend who didn’t invite you to a party or didn’t show up at your party. If you’re having trouble feeling angry, just close your eyes and visualize the incident and relive it. The following explains the healing letter and makes writing one very easy.

In Chapter 3 of my book I explain that any inner work should begin with a tube of light. So it would be good to give a tube of light before writing a healing letter. Also, those who are under the care of a therapist or counselor should do it only with their consent and direction since healing letters can bring up a lot of strong emotions.

Begin the healing letter by writing out your anger and resentment. There’s no need to be polite, tactful or to hold back anything. LET IT ALL OUT. At some point you will notice a shift in feelings from rage to hurt. Now write down all your feelings of sadness. Then all you fears. If the feelings intensify it means that you are finally allowing yourself to experience them and you can let them go. But before we can let them go completely you have to take responsibility for your role in the situations that caused the anger, hurt and fear. So you express remorse. Step into the other person's shoes. How did you look to that person? Did you do or say anything that you regret? It is important now to say everything so you won't feel guilty in the future. Confess your shortcomings, and the things that you wish had turned out better. Finally, you close by expressing positive feelings of love, appreciation, respect, understanding, acceptance, caring and trust. Even if you don’t feel any love for that person, you can express gratitude because he or she has been a teacher in your life. You have learned a lot from this interaction. Take a few minutes to write about what you have learned. Think about how your life is different now that you have had this experience. Dr. Wayne Dyer speaks about the deep gratitude he has for his father who abandoned him because it forced him to become strong and self-reliant.

Write your feelings in a way that will help the other person understand how to support you. As in the dialogue game of softball, write "I felt hurt when you..." or "I would feel better if you..." instead of "you did such and such." It is best that you write out your letter straight through in one sitting so give yourself a good amount of time, about one hour, when you can sit down and write without interruption. When you are finished with the healing letter, it is essential that you write out a response. Just write what you would like the other person to say in reply to your letter, the apologies, forgiveness, understanding, support and love you need to hear. Write what you would like the other person to do to make amends. It doesn’t matter that he or she will never read it and probably wouldn’t make amends if they did. Just imagining it can help heal the pain. Use the following as a guide to organizing your feelings. Write out the lead-in phrases for each feeling and then complete the sentence. You can use all the lead-in phrases or just one over and over. Use the one or ones that helps you the most in expressing your feelings.

Dear ,

ANGER

I hate...I feel resentful...I feel exasperated...I feel offended...I feel bitter...I feel furious...I want...

SADNESS

It hurts me..I feel disappointed...I feel so sad...I feel unhappy...It’s so depressing...I wish...

FEAR

It’s so painful...I’m worried...I feel afraid...I need...

REMORSE

I apologize...I am so sorry...I feel embarrassed...I feel ashamed...I hope...I am willing...

LOVE, GRATITUDE, FORGIVENESS

I love...I am grateful...I realize...I would like...I forgive...

Love,

___________

The response letter should include:

1. Apologies written in a way that makes you feel heard and understood.

2. Validating statements that express compassion for your feelings.

3. Loving statements that express praise, appreciation and acknowledgment of what you deserve.

4. Anything else you need to hear to feel better.

After writing your healing letter and response, it would be good to read them out loud with feeling. Imagine that the person is right there with you. Most people find this to be more healing than just writing because writing is a mental exercise, but speaking connects them with their heart.

After writing and reading your healing letter, you must decide what you are going to do with it. Even though you are not going to mail it, there are several options.

Some people like to keep their healing letters as part of their journal. If you want to keep your letter, you must decide where you are going to write it. You may want to write your letter as a journal entry. Or, you may want to use stationary to make it feel more like a real letter, and then staple or glue the letter inside your journal.

If you don't want to keep your letter, you have several options for releasing it.

You can leave your letter at a significant place. You can hide it under a rock on a tombstone. You can place it on a page in the Bible with a significant quote such as Matthew 5:44. Or you might take your letter to a special place that you shared with the person you wrote to. Just be aware that with this type of release, your letter is more likely to be discovered by another person.

You can throw the finished letter in the trash. This option doesn't feel right to me because the letter contains thoughts and feelings from you heart. It would be like throwing part of your self into a garbage pail.

You can bury your letter. This is more preferable. Your feelings in the letter no longer have any power over you; they’re dead. So the logical thing to do is bury the letter.

You can cast your letter into the sea. If you live near an ocean you can drive to the beach and walked out on a pier to send healing letters to the bottom of the ocean. If you don’t, use a stream or a lake.

You can burn your letter. This, I feel is the best option just as I feel cremation is the best method of releasing a body. I don’t have to worry that someone will find it and I can see it turn to ashes. This gives me a sense of resolution. I watch the letter burn, and see the smoke carry my thoughts and feelings to heaven. Just be careful when burning letters that you don't start a fire! You can use a fireplace or barbecue grill safely, but be cautious about using something as small as a ashtray.

Whatever you decide to do with your letters, I recommend that you make a ritual out of releasing them. After all, they contain your heartfelt feelings, which deserve the utmost respect. Spend a few minutes before you release your letters to relax and feel the feelings leaving your heart. Send them out with any sort of prayers you feel are appropriate. I recommend giving at least 15 minutes of Violet Flame while visualizing sparks of violet flame flying from your heart to the heart of the one you have forgiven.

Can you write a healing letter to yourself? Yes, you can have your inner child write one to your inner parent. The inner child can write out its anger, sadness and fear at being abandoned, but instead of the inner child writing remorse and love, the inner parent would do that in the response letter. I find it helpful to switch hands when I’m expressing my inner child. I’m right-handed so I use my left hand. The words and sentences are short and scribbled just like a child’s and this helps me get into the role of the inner child.