1. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
2. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
3. It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
5. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. Never knock on Death’s door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
10. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
11. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
12. If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
13. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
14. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
15. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
16. Life is sexually transmitted.
17. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
18. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
20. It’s not hard to meet expenses...they’re everywhere.
21. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
22. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Part II
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear and algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer to stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
9. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
10. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
11. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
12. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
13. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
14. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
15. Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
16. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
17. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
18. What happens when none of your bees wax?
19. Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
20. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
21. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
22. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
23. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
24. Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
25. I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose?
26. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
27. There are two types of motorcycle riders those who have been down and those who are going down.