She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding
the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this
useless boob?"
And God created man.
God creates Adam (for Eve)
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability
to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger,
faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really
good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
About real women ...
-If shop mannequins were real women, they'd be too thin to menstruate.
-There are 3 billion women who don't look like super models and only eight who do.
-Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16.
-If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
-The average American woman weights 114 lbs. And wears between a size 12 and 14.
-One out of every four college-age women has an eating disorder.
-The models in the magazines are airbrushed.
-A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70
percent of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.
-Models weighed 8 percent less than the average woman twenty years ago. Today, models weigh 23 percent less.
Comparing men and women
NICKNAMES -- If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT -- When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY -- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS -- A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS -- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS -- Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE -- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS -- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE -- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP -- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
NATURAL -- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING -- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.