Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane." After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA."

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.

This is a recorded message."

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers aboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same-rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight atendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer.

On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks "Whatta bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...

"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late."

Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life... "This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."

The flight goes on, when the passengers heard the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late."

On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest.