FURTHERMORE RETURNS TO THE MINOR MYSTERIES - AGAIN I almost hate to do this to you. But, after all, it is Friday. The week’s pretty well shot and we’ve had about all the fun we can handle. That was Furthermore’s excuse for the following. He’s been pondering the Minor Mysteries of Life again. For a bird, he is a deep thinker. Or something is deep, anyway. So, once again, he screws the inscrutable, conceives the inconceivable and mentions the unmentionables. Among his most recent Minor Mysteries (down the cavern, we just refer to them as the M&Ms) are the following. Hang on tight.  How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?  Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck together?  The light went out, but where to?  Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?  Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?  Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?  When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds more like a near hit.  How come abbreviated is such a long word?  Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?  If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?  Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?  Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?  If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?  Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.  How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?  If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then what is opposite of progress?  Why is "lemon juice" mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?  Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?  Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?  I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.  Is Disneyland a people-trap operated by a mouse? I left him puzzling over these and more. Even the hydra, my nine-headed near mythical semi-watchbeast, was looking for earmuffs. Enough is enough, after all.

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