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FURTHERMORE GETS HELP, FINALLY
Brother Furthermore, my Masonic pet raven, needs help. Some of you have pointed this out in unflattering terms on occasion. You know who you are. More to the point, Furthermore knows who you are. And where you live, Brothers.
That bit of unpleasantness aside, however, the old bird and I began to consider, based on volume alone, that some of you might actually have a point. So we decided to get Furthermore the help he so richly deserves…er…needs.
We did this in the true American way. We went looking for self-help books.
Upon arrival at our favorite big box bookstore, we asked the officious clerk where we could find the self-help book section. She peered at us from over her glasses and said if she told us, it would defeat the purpose.
After a field trip through history, fiction and true crime, we finally found it. The wonder is not that we found it. The wonder is that we hadn’t spotted it before. It’s HUGE! Have you ever just wandered through the self-help section and read the book titles? Do it sometime. Pack a lunch. You could be there for several days. Furthermore took a few notes. These are some of the titles we discovered. No joke. Well, not intended, anyway.
The first thing we noticed were the numbers. We understand the symbolic significance of numbers in our Craft, so we were drawn right to them. 12 was a popular number. Lots of 12-step plans to do everything from fixing your plumbing to kicking whatever disgusting habits you may have acquired earlier in life.
7 Ways to Unclutter Your Life.
365 Ways to Relax Mind, Body and Soul.
365 Simple Reminders.
100 Creative Ways to Relax. Just 100? Somebody’s not trying!
After a time, we got tired of numbers and moved on.
Mind Your Own Business. We almost bought that one.
I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! This was Furthermore’s choice for the day.
Celebrating Girls. When I was young and single we endorsed this concept, although I don’t recall needing a book of instructions.
Being An Outrageous Older Woman.
Freedom From Fear.
Freedom From Panic.
Freedom From Nosey Self-Help Authors. Just kidding. We didn’t see that one.
Then there’s that whole “dummies” series. You know, DOS for Dummies, SATs for Dummies, Windows for Dummies, Ritual for Dummies, Ventriloquism for Dummies, etc. And that was before we got to the Chicken Soup books! Chicken Soup for the Soul, Chicken Soup for Athletes, Chicken Soup for the Soulless, Chicken Soup for Vegetarians, etc.
Okay. You get the point. After a couple of hours of this, we really did need help. We didn’t realize so much of the world was so messed up.
We did learn something else, too. By comparison, Furthermore is in better shape than most people we know. So, secure in this newfound knowledge, the old bird and I headed home to try to find a way to get a piece of the action. We are now collaborating on a self-help book of our own: 12 Ways to Make Chicken Soup for Ritual Dummies While Minding Our Own Damned Business. It’s only a working title, of course, but we’ve found it really helps to have a starting point, you know?
Have a good day, Brothers! Unless, of course, it’s already too late for that.
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