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FURTHERMORE GETS HIS RIGHTS READ a//k/a FURTHERMORE OBEYS THE LAW
The week of May 1 is traditionally Law Week in much of the United States.
Our sister, the lawyer, confirms this, but we’re uncertain whether she is
for or against. With lawyers, it’s hard to tell sometimes. Even ones who are
related to you.
Anyway, Furthermore, my Masonic pet raven brother, and I are suckers for
tradition and the instant we learned of this event, we wanted to get
involved. Any excuse for a celebration, of course. Actually, our first
reaction was one of concern. Usually, special weeks—like Bible Week, for
example—attract the attention of ACLU and suits get filed and…oh. Okay. Never mind. Now we understand. Lawyers are pretty crafty!
In Washington State, the emphasis is on education. They try to visit every
classroom in the state. The official motto is “A Judge and Lawyer in Every
Classroom.” No joke. Furthermore and I think that makes perfect sense.
They go right along with the undercover policeman and the drug dealer in
every classroom.
The purpose of Law Week, as we understand it, is to encourage respect for
the laws, a truly Masonic virtue, and to remind us all that law enforcement
is no joke. Before we proceed, we must make it abundantly clear that we
have incredible respect for the men and women who don uniforms and enforce
the law of the land. They are underpaid, under appreciated and they run the
daily risk of not coming home when the shift is ended. We don’t make jokes
at their expense.
However—and you knew there had to be an “however”—while we don’t make jokes
about the people who enforce the laws, the law, itself, is a whole ‘nuther
kettle of fish.
The law, one Shakespearian character noted, is an ass. Furthermore couldn’t
agree more. He has been collecting examples of truly stupid laws, and he’s
about to share them with you. Here are just a few captives in the
Furthermore Collection of Truly Stupid American Laws.
In Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
In Arkansas, the legislature passed a law making it illegal for the Arkansas
River to rise higher than the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock. No mention
of how they enforce it. Put the river in jail for contempt or just go with
the flow?
In Los Angeles, you can go to jail for hunting moths under a streetlight.
Like that’s the worst thing that happens at night on the streets of L.A.
And in Ventura County, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a
permit. I’ll bet there’s an entire department with clerks, directors and a
database to take care of those permits.
In Connecticut, you can’t walk across a bridge on your hands. Go figure.
In Quitman, Georgia, it’s illegal for a chicken to cross the road, so that
takes care of the old question of “why.”
In Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly through town. Another tough
one to enforce.
In Waterloo, Nebraska, it’s against the law for barbers to eat onions
between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. At last, a law that makes perfect sense.
It’s illegal to race horses on the New Jersey Turnpike. Dang.
Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn. No word on where
they can sleep.
In Tennessee, it’s against the law to use a lasso to catch fish. Death to
another potentially great sport. Of course, it’s also illegal to sell
hollow logs in Tennessee, so the real issue down there probably has more to
do with the legality of what the legislature is smoking, rather than
crafting laws.
Here’s one of our all time favorites. It comes from Texas. When two trains
meet each other at a railroad crossing, each must come to a full stop and
neither shall proceed until the other has gone. You figure it out.
Probably pushed by the airline lobby.
In Utah, it’s illegal NOT to drink milk. Another lobby hard at work.
A great many silly and archaic laws deal with sex in one form or another.
Because this column is written for the whole family, we don’t intend to go
there.
Well, maybe just once.
In Newcastle, Wyoming, a law specifically bans couples from making love
while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat locker. Now aren’t you just a
little curious about what prompted that bit of law-making?
Well, that’s probably enough. Furthermore’s collection runs into the
hundreds, so we may revisit this next Law Week.
In the meantime, have a great Law Week. And remember, it only comes once a
year, so you’ve got the other 51 weeks to do pretty much whatever you want.
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