6:16 AM 1/19/2003 im sitting here
on the verge of tears
i want you all to leave me alone
i want you all to ask me everyday if im ok
i miss tabby
i went to invite her to dinner, but she dint go to work
avoiding me?
i read every single email she ever wrote me
im depressed
and scared
and scared shitless
and wanting comfort
i cant get that from most of you

i put in my two weeks at papa johns. after i am officially quitted i will have like 1.5 weeks to pack my house up, sell my car (if thats what i choose) and get ready to fucking leave. all of you. everything ive ever known. im leaving it. its so fucking scary. and exciting. and depressing.

i went back and read every email that tabby ever sent me. i miss that. i miss her. im depressed.

i wish i was coo. i wish i had an entourage. i wish i had a phone so people could call me. im glad i dont have a phone, it would be depressing to affirm my suspicion that it would never ring anyway. i want to visit with ruth. i want to be able to pick up a pen and not put it down until 300 pages have come out of it. its not in me. my destiny is not to be a writer. i need to go to sleep. im not at my home and i feel bad waking auger up and asking for him to take me to my car. i hate going to his house. it shows me what i could have but dont. i hate that. sometimes i hate alicia. often i hate censoring myself.

i enjoy depression. i think. i wallow in it. i bask in it. when i get in a depressed mood theres nothing i enjoy more than feeding it. getting more depressed. and right now, im very depressed.

530 am. im listening to music and typing. thinking about walking to my car. or not. maybe ill just marathon it. fuck all. wow, im really rather negative tonight arent i?

ive nothing exciting going on to talk about. so i wont talk. yes, yes i will. i want cheese sticks. am i hungry?
i need to visit :
amy
luke
tabby
kory
jessie
liz (that wont happen soon)
tabby
and more, im sure. tired.

downloading music. im a thief. so sue me. i dont like enigma.

i feel as if im putting something off. im not sure what that could possibly be though. always so many emotions running through my head. recent events and happenings have reinforced some emotions. yet, at the same time, jaded them. and its all a promise.

saying nothing. im good at it. i do it all day most days. and half the day the rest of the days. im wandering, so im going to finish typing. bye.

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