home12:01 PM 7/16/02 sitting here at gate c7 in salt lake's airport when I am struck by a thought. Who will be dead when I go home? Odd thought indeed. I made a decision when we took off. I want to fly as much as possible. mmmmm. My wife I've decided. strange beginning to a sentence. But I can't ever remember a time when any one has ever said that I am normal. A girl who will stick her feet our my car window. A girl who will let me protect her from any and all harm, maybe even feign fear so that I may feel more ... manly.
Why do I seem to have no control over people. When I speak Im not heard. When I'm heard I am either ignored or dismissed as ... annoying? dumb? irrelevant?. When I get angry its obviously over something trivial. When I want space I'm ignoring everyone. When I express concerns for myself I'm selfish. Most of the time I hate me.
Girls with English accents are good. Skinny girls. Pretty girls. I wouldn't mind going to a hooters restaurant but theyd all have big breasts and i would be disgusted.
Example: My family and the other familly that we are with just went on some dumb one lap go kart thing. They all got in and took off as a group. Leaving me behind. I drove around by my lonseome. We got done. Everybody got out laughing and carrying on. Asking each other if they enjoyed racing each other. not me. alas.
Am I conceited? If so, am I too conceited, or is any conceit bad conceit? girls with braces. cute.
I saw the largest nipples that I have ever seen on a white girl today. Nipples are wierd.
Liz hinted to me of things behind closed doors and then went to california. stupid liz. she's the greatest.
A backrub. I could use one right now. hmm..... I've no memory of ever getting a bckrub. I'm sure I have though. I've been known to give a few in my day. Christina said that the one that I gave her flet better than anything that shes ever felt while on ecstasy. A compliment I took that as. Given what I know of ecstasy anyway. A girl that will give me a backrub. Yeah. I think it's someting like 80% of all backrubs lead to sexual encounters. I may have been missing out.
petite girls. I like them
I think that I am fast approaching an/the age where fumbled explorations in the dark will only be left to myself. That is rather unfortunate as I had this sort of hopeless romancistic view of sharing, learning and giving with my partner new things for both of us.
I had a wonderful idea today. This idea may be about something that I don't think I've ever metnioned on here before. An idea I am... ¿Ashamedly? well-versed in. Masturbation. hmmm.. In a world where images of human shit is decidedly more pornographic than images of fornication I find it odd that I would feel awkward to talk about such a subject. Maybe its because its rather personal. here goes. read if you wish. ... I was in the pool. alone. everyone but one person was away. she was in her bedroom watching television. mind wandering while sitting in the... well it was kinda like a hot tub thing. anyway. there I was giving it a good what for and go to and such and they chose that moment to come home. No problem, theyll take a bit to come out here. Nope. They came out right away. dint catch me or anything, just interrupted. Maybe another time.
superficial. i am. disappointing.
I want that chick from junk yard wars. on tlc. the channel.
I thought of teresa, in my bed, kissing me. A story I dont think ive put up here yet. I believe I need to edit it for private teresa content first. Thinking that thought made me angry. I wanted to punch something. instead i wrote this. feel privileged. while i am writing my mind is wandering and i am getting more depressed. i am going to stop here for now and wallow in my self-induced depression. one of the only 'highs' I allow myself. Depression. Monday july 8. 2:00 am Orlando Florida.