11:31 AM 9/24/02 I have decided to write a story. I will post what I have written here, for you to read. It’s not complete yet. [Ed. against my better judgment I have decided to change names to protect the innocent. I scream out against censorship, but I feel it’s for the best.]

On February 23rd I was in Blockbuster. I was talking and flirting with Samantha. Sure, I knew she was married, but I'm an asshole. Anyway, while talking with her I learned that it was her birthday that day. I grabbed a pen and pencil and wrote her a dumb birthday card, with a balloon I drew on the front of it. I stapled it shut and handed it to her. She looked at it and asked if she should open it then or wait. I told her to open it then. She fought her way through the staples and read it and smiled. A thought occurred to me and I asked for it back. She gave it back and under my signature I wrote my phone number. I gave it back; she read it and laughed out loud. I smiled. She later told me that that was the only birthday card she received.

A couple of days later, Mitchell, Samantha and their son came into my workplace. I avoided talking to her and looking at her. Little awkward with her husband there and all. I gave Brady a flight in one of our F-16 flight sims. He enjoyed it and we all made pseudo-plans to go see a movie sometime. Sunday came along and I was rather anxious to see a movie with her. Of course I played it off like I just thought it would be a cool get together thing for a bunch of us. I called her and got her ICQ number and we discussed which movie to go to on there. We decided upon the latest laugh and cry movie. All in all it was a good experience. Brady and Samantha sat on one side of me, causing me to marvel at how cool Brady was. He just helped me decide even more how much I yearn for a child.

Samantha and I spoke the next day on ICQ and I enjoyed it. At one point she mentioned something about a sandwich she was eating and I said something about how good it sounded. She said that if she had known I wanted one she would have made me one. I explained to her that I probably wouldn't be able to eat it because I didn't feel well. When she asked how I felt unwell I told her that I felt like puking. She asked why and I said I wasn't sure. Thoughts in my head were making me ill at ease. She asked me what thoughts I was thinking. I told her I couldn't say.

"So shy. You don't come off shy at first meeting."

That's something I always try to avoid. Shyness. I will go out of my way to avoid being considered shy. I don't think that I'm nearly as shy as people may perceive. It may just be the fact that I have ideas in my head about how to approach certain subjects/objects. Or I may be horribly shy and just not notice it. I was being shy with her. How was I supposed to tell a girl, whom I don't know very well, that I think I like her. That I like her and she's married. That was a huge thing for me. What the hell was I doing even contemplating anything with a married chick!?!?

I expressed to her that I couldn't say what was on my mind for a couple of reasons. One of them was that I felt uncomfortable talking to her about it. She said that maybe one day I would express these thoughts and discover that her's weren't so very different. She knew what I was about.

One night, not too long after, I called her from home. I said, "We need to talk." She told Mitchell that she was going to go out and talk with me and asked him if it would be all right. He consented. I had absolutely no intentions of ending the night the way that it did.

She came over and we departed in my vehicle. Left her's in front of my house and drove to the park. We got to the park and got out of the vehicle and walked around. Talking. I was avoiding the reason that I had asked her out with me. She was probably waiting for me to get serious. We learned a lot about each other and I bitched about my job a little. Finally I decided that it was time to get to the point.

"Let's sit on that bench."

It wasn't any easier to bring up sitting. After sitting there trying to put into words what I felt she showed me something. "Look at this," she said holding her hands out on bench.

"What is it?" I asked, searching her hands for ... something.

"My pinkies don't bend."

I looked closer. Sure enough, her pinkies were unable to bend.

"It's a condition called chlondikkyisis. [Ed. that's my technical term, I don’t remember the correct name for the condition. [Ed.Ed. I now know the real spelling. It's camptodactyly.]] They haven't been able to bend since I was a child."

I told her how much I admired her. She was able to take my mind off of the difficulty I was experiencing and put me totally at ease, with just a few words.

"I called you tonight because I wanted for us to talk before it was comfortable for us to talk. Because by then it will have progressed so far that this conversation will be pointless."

I proceeded to tell her that I thought that I was beginning to fall for her. And that that was really uncomfortable for me because of the fact that she was married. She told me about the state of her marriage and how it came about. Told me things that made me feel a little less weary about my feelings. She cried. I resisted the urge to take her in my arms and limited myself to squeezing her shoulder.

"Get up. I want to show you something," I said.

I took her down the road a bit to a lovely girl taking spot. A wonderful place with flowers, trees, artificial lighting, and a functioning pond/stream thing. A tranquil place and chicks really seem to dig it. On the way there we had to walk up a hill to some railroad tracks. She slipped and I put out my hand to steady her.

We got there and looked at the pond and marveled at the tranquility of it all, me grunting, her cooing, in our fashion. We sat on a conveniently placed bench. I looked at her and brushed some strands of hair out of her eyes. I must have gotten a look of sadness on my face for she asked, "What is it?"

I told her that I had done three things that night. Three things which I had promised myself that I wouldn't do. When she asked what they were I said, "I touched you three times."